Juxtaposition of Dream and Pragmatism

The End of Juxtaposition

2011-09-24T00:48:00.004+08:00

Though a rushed decision, I decided that this entry is the last entry for this juxtaposition.

For I see that juxtaposition of dreams and pragmatism is probably no longer as germane as it was, for new problems emerge when the old ones dissolve, for new contemplations surface when the old ones sink, for any new modes of thinking override the old ones.

It also has come to my attention that after all these while, perhaps the things that have evolved are paradoxically multitudinous and yet it feels stagnant watching such evolutions. On one hand, while all things may seem to change, I feel as if I am trapped in a rip of space-time and not moving forward. Whatever changes in me, mentally or physically, seem to be not relevant to whatever I require myself to solve. On the other hand, things do change and I can still see that phenomenon affecting my life in one way or another.

Bottom line is: I will end this juxtaposition, and commence another form of it. In laymen terms, it means changing blog. Hopefully it does change the way I think and write, and let me wish that I can think more coherently as compared to the past. Those who are interested in the new one, do contact me.

And that marks the end of my juxtaposition.

Continuum Hypothesis

2011-09-04T17:25:00.003+08:00

This title is borrowed from the mathematician Georg Cantor's most famous hypothesis, the Continuum Hypothesis, which speaks about the sizes or cardinals of infinity. And I am borrowing this name for entirely different reason - purely for aesthetic purpose, which will be understood by the end of this entry.

As I have uttered in the previous entry, my classmates, 15 of them, had started their university lives now. It is about one month since their orientation day in early August. I dedicate this entry specifically to convey my thoughts on this matter again, for inexorably I must capitulate that I am still not quite positive about my life at this juncture due to me not being in the same world as them.

Despite the fact that I fathom perfectly the ineluctable nature of the stage of life I am currently in, I must concede at the same time that this comprehension does not at all help to mitigate the proclivity towards bewailing and lamenting my current state. This is so even though the stage of life I am currently shackled to is not actually bad in the absolute sense. Or rather, such lamentation is engendered by the fact that this stage of life is one which could have been avoided and at the same time it is not a stage of life I would choose to go through. Unfortunately, I did not have any say in this matter, so in spite of all my contemplation pertaining this matter, nothing will change for at least the next 2 years.

Yes, my friends are moving on with their lives in terms of education while I remain stagnant in this respect. It feels like I am being isolated away from their space-time and immured into another dimension void of hopes and dreams. No matter how much I am considered irate at the moment, I could at most bawl silently (an oxymoron, yes) in my mind and heart. The world simply will not budge just because a person living in it curses the world in any conceivable way. Yes, basically I am saying that seeing them moving on with their lives in such a way made me feel somewhat sad, or perhaps, kind of crestfallen.

Without pretense, hopefully, I could say that I do like studying. Or at least, I like it infinitely many times more than what I am currently doing every day. This is one major reason why I feel that I am trapped in some sort of cul-de-sac of life, where bewailing is the only thing I can do. Of course seeing them going to university intensifies this feeling, and all the more I feel miserable. I could not help but to at least feel a little bitter about myself, no matter how much the situation has improved.

And the last thing that consummates this entire cycle of pain and regret is that these people are easily the best friends I ever have up to this point, and the very fact that I am watching them walking towards their desired future both lucidly signifies my own stagnation and at the same time prove that I value them much more than I ever thought I did. I miss them easily so much that I always feel bitter because it feels as if I am being left behind by the merciless flow of time.

The continuum hypothesis that I am hoping to make is that the bonds between me and these people are hopefully forming a continuum, i.e. bonds that do not break. My hypothesis is precisely that if our bonds form a continuum, then any form of misery due to separation in spatio-temporal terms can still be overcome. I do hope that our bonds do have such property and that such hypothesis can be corroborated in the affirmative. For if its verity can be demonstrated, I can feel slightly better despite the situation I am in.

In hindsight, what a selfish entry this is. For the first time I feel that I am writing something in which I wish for something purely for myself regardless of others. I know not for certain. However, I can certainly say this: I miss them a lot, I wished I could be with them in the same stage of life, same dimension as they are. However, I do recognize this as empty, futile dreams, and thus I could not help but simply curse myself. However, I will still move forward in this rip of space-time, for they are still the very core of my strength and I believe some day in far future, I will see them again with the same if not stronger bonds.

For I realized one thing. That If I ever have any positiveness in my life and my opinions as well as my point of view, it must be because they are always by my side. However exaggerated this sounds, I do not think I am saying something exaggerated. This feeling is as real as it can be, at least so I believe, and I will continue to believe so. And my apology if this entry, in the end, turns out to be one of the most incomprehensible, impenetrable of all due to its incoherence in many junctures.

Pandemonium of Thoughts

2011-08-04T10:10:00.008+08:00

Though this is not something new, I must say that I am a person who incessantly contemplates - practically, profusely or even superfluously about anything, and so endlessly that I could have easily become overloaded with information engendered by my own rumination and scrutiny. So much that thoughts were no longer coherent, no longer germane to contexts I am in, no longer lapidary in its form and shape, no longer rationally justified when verisimilitude is at stake, where assaying feels apocryphal. Being immured in this vicious cycle of information pandemonium and yet being conscious of it makes it worse, for it posits the idea that either I lack the capacity to resolve it or this problem is pretty much intractable, if surmountable at all in principle. Nonetheless any assumption shall be held in abeyance, for again I shall analyze, like how it has always been, for I have never had anything that behaves like a sanctuary - one that provides sense of security privy to those who ponders - besides what I call rationality. And up to this second, I prize it more than anything else, subsuming emotion in the latter set.

I shall commence with the first thought that came to mind, noting the fact that this entry will be expected to be incoherent as mentioned in the prefactory paragraph.

Some time ago, a person told me to keep trying to apply to UK university after I told him I aspired to get into Oxford University's Physics and Philosophy. His reasoning was that it is always worth it to give a shot, and for some reason he is optimistic that I have a chance to actualize it. He mentioned about the interview, that creativity can be learnt, that personal statement is important. And some other things which summed up to one conclusion: just go and try it out.

Not that I do not want to do as he said; in fact, I have prepared much of the UCAS application form, not perfect but nearly complete. However, I have always seen optimism as something that is not logically justified. That is, optimism cannot be grounded at all. I do, however accept the less rigorous version of it, i.e. optimism is justified if there is reasonable amount of evidence for one to do so. Hence this problem is reduced to the problem of how much evidence I have to ground myself for that optimism, and from my analysis, I concluded that I do not have sufficient evidence to feel optimistic.

How so? Firstly, my academic qualification is probably not stellar enough for such top-notch university. Just like the Ivy League universities, their students' performances are pretty much able to eclipse my results quite easily despite me having only one B in my main subjects. It's exacerbated by the fact that I do not have anything useful that is non-academic in nature to support my case, such as leadership qualities. In hindsight, this is a mistake on my part for I was too engrossed with academic aspect and thought I could get away with it alone. The proclivity towards academics alone boomeranged as a result. Plus, I do not have strong enough reference and personal statements to back me up as most teachers do not know me well. Lastly, the lack of financial capacity on my part basically riven all my hopes, cutting asunder all my chances that would have otherwise been theoretically possible at the very least. With such overwhelming evidence against me, how could I hope for optimism, with the tides of despair coming towards me relentlessly? I will still try it out, but my analysis postulates that in pragmatic terms, I would not even dare to have the temerity to claim that I have a chance - even the slightest confidence will not do. This concludes my first thought, and this conclusion assumes that I have construed the person's meaning accurately if not unerringly.

Next, about the commencement of university. My classmates, at least, 15 of them out of 20 have begun their university life starting last Monday, in various places including Indonesia. 2 in Electrical Engineering, 5 in Mathematics, 2 in Business, 1 in Computer Science, 1 in Nursing, 1 in Literature, 1 in Engineering, 1 in Medicine, 1 in Social Work. 1 will be starting Law next year, 1 will be starting Physics two years later. While it has become some sort of inveterate habit minus off the negative connotation, I wished them all the best while concurrently felt that I could have gone with them if not for my circumstances which some people would understand without me mentioning here. Inasmuch as I try to work very hard in whatever I do now, I could not help but often think that I am still squandering 2 years of my life. I could not impugn the proposition that I could learn some things by ensuring that I make the full use of my time at the moment, yet the thought of these things being highly likely irrelevant to what I wish to attain is the major motivation to think that time is simply wasted. Indeed, the main issue here is that regardless of what I think pertaining this matter, I could never extricate myself from this situation; I am inexorably shackled into this circumstance whereby I could only evoke lamentation, whereby bewailing and bemoaning my past mistakes is all I can do at the moment.

If one thinks about it, lamentation or any manifestation of negativity is indeed irrational for it is never more productive than being positive in attitude. After all, negativity cripples more often and not, and it signifies the prelude to despair. Yet, no matter how level-headed one is, negativity is bound to sustain itself even in infinitesimal amount. Vestiges of regrets, anger, hatred, or simply negativity will always retain itself within the crevasses of one's heart no matter how far they dwindle. Furthermore, my analysis suggests that negativity is guaranteed to exist and bound to each individual. Though the argument is quite a cheap trick, I believe it is pretty much apodictic. Given that negativity is a diametric concept, i.e. that its existence entails the existence of positiveness and vice versa, the very meaning of positiveness such as optimism cannot be fathomed without having the concept of pessimism in mind - something that laymen call "two sides of the same coin". This is circular if and only if we use one to prove the other, for each is only justified when the other is. This circularity disappears when we take both to be one and the same thing - that both have to simultaneously exist, and must be understood concurrently. Though not ostensible to some, this is similar to the fact that the concept of difference can only be understood when concept of boundary is understood and vice versa. So it is actually logically justified to possess negativity. However, it is, almost certainly, not practically justified due to its nature of crippling people's productivity in their work and performance, which is psychological in nature. So the point is I do not see why I should lie to myself and say I am contented with my current life when I do not feel so, although I would still continue walking forward and do whatever I can to do what I must.

There is one issue that piqued my interest - namely about what is loosely called relationship in the sense of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Hereafter I shall denote such relationship BGR. My current fellow mates sometimes discuss about this matter, whether it is about their own experiences or simply for the sake of discussing it. And I expected them to ask why I did not participate in BGR, which they did inquire at some juncture. I do not find myself in a quandary when such issue was brought up, for I vividly know what my answer is. I shall state it explicitly for the sake of those who are interested though this is highly unlikely. My answer is that "I have no right to partake in such activity or relation, at least not yet", and this I have upheld for at least 6 to 8 years. Most people would find me lugubrious with such an answer, perhaps?

It is not my intention nor my discretion to make those who wish to know addled by my responses in any matter. After all, any form of writing is never meant to stonewall comprehension; at most, even for poets, they merely try to place their contents behind shrouds of mystery, clandestine as they are perceived superficially. This also means that they were supposed to be comprehended even if the propensity to misapprehend it far outweighs the possibility of understanding it correctly. Therefore, it is imperative for me to demonstrate my thought processes in such a way that its meaning can be made out though multitudinous interpretation is bound to occur.

When I claimed that I have no "right", I implied that I am not good enough in whatever respect one could think of in order to ensure that BGR is a successful event - the phrase successful event do sound disinterested or even clinical and misplaced, but I do this to maintain objectivity if there exists at all. The word "whatever" is used because of the subjectivity of the people involved. Suppose two girls A and B - given the nature of humanity, there are common grounds that A and B will have when they try to participate in BGR, e.g. they do not want me, in this example, to be abusive to them. This is pretty much a sensible demand. However, there can be no consensus about other properties or characteristics of mine that they will demand universally, for both A and B. A may require me to be good looking, B may require me to be rich, and extending this to the set of all possible girls/ladies, a set L containing all ladies cannot demand a universal property that applies to all gents especially positive traits. In other words, it is easier to pin down what all ladies do NOT want than to pin down what ALL ladies want to have, i.e. a universal positive characteristic. Subjectivity prevents such universal positive trait to be derived but permits universal negative trait to be specified. Hence, firstly I have established that I will not be completely able to decide why I have no right, though I can always speculate or surmise some properties inherent in me which the ladies in G will not wish to see, which in turn affects the success of the BGR itself. Lastly, the word "yet" implies that I assume the possibility that there exists at least a lady/girl who despite some negative traits will still partake in the BGR, and such possibility is guaranteed for one cannot posit the physical existence of a perfect being, and thus no one can have zero negative trait especially when the concept of positive and negative is one that is not absolute or indubitable - a stance that even moral philosophy cannot establish rigorously yet.

I must concede that my scrutiny is nowhere close to stalwart. Still, hopefully the analysis itself sufficiently limn my thought processes in pellucid enough way for no one to be flummoxed though my convoluted style of writing and my language proficiency could in principle hamper even the most basic interpretation of it. After all, I could not help but think that in some way this entry is tainted in verbiage, verbose in nature and yet I find myself unable to convey better in other way.

Recently I kept thinking and behaving in such a way as if I have a set of rules and principles hardwired in my mind which I cannot and shall not defy. For example, I have been moving on based on simply two objects - responsibility and integrity. I do things that I must, and I do not say no when it is a yes. These may not seem unnatural, or rather, these seem to be basic values that everyone knows. However, I am inclined to opine that the society do not behave exactly as these basic rules dictate, which is basically an empirical evidence of Kant's Categorical Imperative not working in practice. Most people will reason out that such absolute, sacrosanct obedience to moral rules or principles is way too strict to make practical sense; a weaker version of moral absolutes or a "less absolute moral absolutes", evidently an oxymoron as it sounds, is always at work. It professes to be able to resolve more satisfactorily moral dilemmas, and this advantage is precisely the pretext of a less strict moral rules, and now such rules have been so embedded in people's lives that strictly speaking no one would be able to completely live their lives without at least once committing infraction to one's own rules and principles.

The verity of my analysis in this matter is also not logically certain - for like all philosophers as far as I know, I could not find a logic behind moral rules and mechanism that is at work in society, and in turn no satisfactory moral theory can explain why society behaves in this manner. In my case, I see responsibility and integrity as two main drive in my behaviour and yet I do see people not conforming to these basic laws of societal behaviour. I can certainly conceive of one thing which may be the cause - namely self-interest, such as more rest and relaxation. Basically it is pretty much similar to the concept of hedonistic decadence - that moral rules are eroded by self interest especially material in nature. I will not be so bold as to claim that the morality of people around me has plummeted into oblivion, for it would have been equivalent to see only one side of a coin. However, it is certain that the very same force that drives the Invisible Hand of the market conceptualized by Adam Smith is one which erodes, at arbitrary pace, the morality that people are supposed to uphold in accordance to Categorical Imperative, one of the rational justification of morality.

The only thing I can do pertaining this matter is to list out the problem, which is the previous paragraph, for I believe that self-interest in unquenchable and thus the extent to which it overrides moral values and principles depends on how far a person can suppress his self-interest. If this is the case, will I be able to maintain my own rules and principles despite all odds to go otherwise? After all, to be selfish is still human, if you ask me. For now, I will only regret all mistakes I made, since for most of them there are corresponding infringement of my principles. I am inclined to believe that I am unable to live up to my own principles all the time, but if by doing so I can attain what I wish, I will strive for it even if it means my life will seem mechanical.

Up to this point, I have already been able to see that even the last analysis of self-interest seems anfractuous in style, despite my effort to ensure that my reasoning is as algorithmic as it can be. I must capitulate that perhaps I did not put as much effort as I claimed, thus this vague writing.

While I still have manifold thoughts and ideas that could in principle be written, even if some are merely platitudes of my mind, I shall at least end for now with the last analysis for the day, namely the examination of "juxtaposition of dreams and pragmatism". One would realize without delay that it is the same as the name of this blog, and it is logical to assume that this analysis is meant to scrutinize the very meaning and reason behind this blog's digital existence. I must say that this assumption is justified and indeed that is what I intend to do. this is especially so since the juxtaposition between dreams and pragmatism is on the outset a recondite notion - on one hand it represents a parallel comparison between two objects which more often than not clash bitterly than agglomerate sweetly, while on the other hand it signifies my very own dialectical way of dealing or even reconciling with the pragmatic side of the world and the idealistic facet of my rational thoughts. Indeed, now that I think about it, I have not reassessed since antiquity this notion and given that I have undergone many changes in both way of thinking, or even principles and circumstances, it would not be surprising to find my original ideas in need of revision. The redacted reason will be the end product of this last analysis.

Why should one even juxtapose dreams and pragmatism? For one simple reason - people dream and yet people live in real world, and by "dream" I mean aspiration, conceiving something yet attained for one to try to obtain. And this is especially germane for those who lives for their dreams. After all, some phantasms in one's dreams can be practically achieved or obtained, and this is common sense. No matter how much I am under illusion that I was a millionaire, it is still a practically tenable illusion, while of course some others are not practically possible e.g. squaring a circle. However, tenability or practical possibility is not adequate for most people, for what is important is to actualize all possible dreams. Humanity wants to achieve what they dream of, and if they have infinite amount of dreams, they will have to sacrifice some while actualize others from the entire set containing all dreams. And given the obvious handicap of a sentient being which is that of limited lifetime, one is bound to give up some dreams, or rather, to selectively realize some dreams.

I am of an idealistic disposition, though I do pay close attention to any force that are at work in real life which is short of ideal or perfect. Giving up some dreams does not imply aberration from idealistic behaviour. However, what is at stake is how people reconcile dreams and real life, which is often the very motivation for living and subsistence. It takes aptitude to achieve something of highest calibre. It takes tenacity, perseverance and commitment to achieve something difficult and time-consuming. It takes creativity to achieve something original. It takes what one calls talent to achieve something with less effort than the norm could dictate. It takes knowledge to achieve something new. It takes intrepidity to achieve something pristine and untouched. It takes astringency or in-depth analysis to achieve something rigorous. Whether one concurs with these depictions, I know not. The gist, at the very least, is there.

What is the significance of the above depiction? It simply means it takes A to achieve something of characteristic B, and this is sufficiently universal a guideline. When one dreams, one is attempting to grasp or even create an object O of property B. When one actualizes it, one is said to possess A. When one fails to achieve his dream/aspiration, it must mean that he is not in possession of A provided he knows O with property B. When a person lives whimsically without aim, it suggests that he does not know O, and subsequently he cannot have B as the challenge he must face. Consequently such a person will be likely to lead mediocre life for the lack of knowledge on B means he does not know what the nature of the things he tries to achieve is, thus do not know how to deal with it when things get tough. And lastly, a person C is called "Complacent" if he knows O, but he thinks he is in possession of A, misconstrued B or both.

The Complacent person, C, is of the highest significance because the other two types are easier to rectify. A whimsical person simply has to consider carefully and prudently his goals and dreams, and if he has what it takes, he will be able to fulfill what I shall denote as the AOB equation, that it takes A to achieve O of characteristic B. A person who failed to achieve his dreams simply has to reassess whether he actually has A, or whether O is too far-fetched, or both at the point of time he failed to achieve it and correct the relevant problems by adjusting A or O. However, for C, this is tough. He knows O, the objective he tries to attain. However, he thinks he has A when he does not, and obliviously proceeds to pursue O only to have failure face him in the end. Or alternatively, he misconstrued B as within his calibre or grasp, and subsequently proceeds to pursue O, also to have failure to meet him because his aptitude and characters would then be irrelevant to O, which actually has characteristic B' instead of B. It takes A' to achieve B' and C only has A to achieve it. The mismatch causes his demise.

For example, C wants to obtain perfect score in his examination. According to his results in the past, people regarded him as some genius because of his stellar performance, or better still, a performance cannot be bettered by anyone. The school practice papers are claimed to be harder than the actual examination to allow students to accustomize themselves with the standard of the papers.

Let B be the standard of examination paper, B' be standard of school papers. In this case, B < B'.

Also, O in this case is the examination itself. As such, A would be the proficiency level of the student C.

The AOB equation is:

It takes proficiency level A to achieve(or more aptly, conquer) examination of standard B, because student C manages to conquer examination of standard B'.

However, how about if B is not lesser than B', e.g. actually B > B'? Then there is no guarantee that C can conquer the examination, or in fact, he could have failed instead. Or alternatively, what if he thinks he is good enough with his subjects, e.g. English, that he thinks he will be able to achieve good results, and conquered school papers quite well in this subject as well, but in actuality he is not? This will mean that his proficiency level is actually A', where A' < A. And similarly, A' will not be enough to conquer an examination of standard B. Either way,he will be complacent in the literal sense and as a result, failure is to be expected and no one but C himself is to be blamed.

Yes, some will realize that the very person C that I am talking about is myself. And it happened as I depicted above, almost exactly. The significance of the depiction to my own self is that regrets and mistakes cannot be overridden, they can only be forgotten. Their effects will snowball in whatever they do when you cannot deal with it promptly. And I am here writing this entry with the scars of the past still deeply engraved in my mind, never to be extricated.

So much for the last analysis, I think it is necessary for me to include an equivalent of a peroration to this entry. No matter how much I think, there are things that will not change. I could feel bitter for it, and it will stay as stagnant as one could imagine. I feel more and more powerless in the face of the forces that act on me, be it circumstances or other people. I will, nonetheless be honest to myself. I will be doleful when I am not happy, and not delude myself in optimism and lies. I will be sang-froid even if things get uncontrollably challenging, if that is the only way to obtain what I want. I will not be hesitant to evince a strong feeling of hatred if the need comes. I will be inscrutable if severing bonds is what I require. I will masquerade if that will get the job done and help me attain my wish. My integrity will be upheld, but above all, my wish must be granted. That is my responsibility.

Dreams and pragmatism negate yet intermingle. However, for the sake of my minute, insignificant wish, if need be, I will decimate this logic with my own hands. I will obtain what I want, no matter what.

Realization

2011-06-14T19:41:00.003+08:00

The past few days were spent playing Pokemon White. This may seem quite weird and worthless, but somehow I do not feel so. Maybe my conviction towards my studies is not strong enough to make me study at home instead. Maybe. More importantly, there are some things I realized concurrently that of equal importance if not more.

One - the typical issue of 'friendship' or to put it more generally, relationship. What has come to my realization is that this particular object called relationship, if it is an object at all, is something I do possess like all humanity, but its nature is one which can be summarized into one word:

Ephemeral/Fragile/Frail

I do not know the exact chains of reasoning that led to such a conclusion, nor the definite premises which warrant such conclusion. However I seem to have a justification pertaining the conclusion though not the premises nor the reasoning. This justification manifests itself in that I lose friends almost as immediate as I leave them. By 'losing', I mean it subsumes loss of 'contact', conversations, or even greetings. Surely this is not their fault. This, I believe, partly come from the fact that I, by nature, relies on people coming to me in order for a relation to be forged; i.e. a passive person in nature. And what makes me slightly different is that even as I realize this consciously and lucidly, I have made no attempt to reverse this course. And this is likely to continue.

Two - I came to comprehend the fact that I may not be as devoted to physics, mathematics and philosophy as I declared to myself. Between choices to play, to slacken when I am not tired, against the choices to read up on the three fields, the former often, if not most of the time, prevailed. And it persists up till this very second. What this signifies remain shrouded in mystery as far as I can ruminate. But it may mark a turning point in which I may really need to rethink about whatever I have ever thought about in my mind. And this, partly, is the reason why I think I needed the Re-examination of Oneself.

And unfortunately, like all conclusions I ever had, I have no answer to all these - and this includes the possibility that there exists no answer at all and also the possibility that this is unknowable.

Two Months

2011-04-16T18:20:00.002+08:00

It has been two months, or rather close to ten weeks since I last enlisted into BMTC at Pulau Tekong. This Monday, in fact, I am going to Pasir Laba Camp for SCS - INF LDR vocation. Therefore, I shall write this entry concerning the two months I had gone through there and the contemplations following it. After all, as I mentioned in the previous entry, this entire two-year period serves as a time for me to stop walking and reflect upon many things, a time for reflection, rethinking, reinvention and hopefully recognition of answers to many things I have always sought after.

To begin, the training was in general manageable for me. This may differ between companies and schools, and in my view my company is one I classify as 'average' in terms of how tough and strenuous the entire course was. I have heard rumours about some companies being relatively more lax as well as some others being much tougher in terms of their physical challenges the recruits faced. I must say that given my physical capability which is less fit than most others (my IPPT was just a pass, for instance), most trainings are considered tough to me although I can cope with them. There are times when I felt like falling out, but I decided not to all the time. After all, so long as I still cannot accept my 'forced' existence into army fully, I will not entertain falling out for myself and I will only accept 90-100% effort for myself as well.

The commanders are varied in terms of language and punishment severity, discipline and other expectations. However, in my opinion they are very nice - or rather, they are nicer than I thought it would be before 8 Feb. My PC (Platoon Commander) is a very nice person with technically zero vulgarity in his language and is very caring to his platoon. My platoon sergeant and section commanders use more vulgarities, but assessing them holistically only conclude that they are still very nice. At one point I even doubted whether this is how army should be, but in the end I decided that the army has its own methods that a recruit like me may not yet understand at this juncture. As such, I will suspend my doubt first and move on with my next vocation before commenting further on army life.

I must say that there are things I learnt, either from my own constant contemplation in camp or from my commanders. Some are packaged in aphorisms - "people do not care how much you know till they know how much you care", "a group is only as strong as its weakest limb", "it takes 60 people to make things right, it takes 1 person to screw it up", "given something, if you cannot defend it, it is not yours". Certainly I learnt the basic military skills expected from BMT, higher discipline level than during civilian life and also how to work with others better, if at all.

As for my own reflection, I did rethink of some things while I was in camp. At least for now, I converse well with my siblings, contrary to my original desire to distance myself from them. I seemed to accept better my own incompetence in contrast to my siblings' strengths, though my original hatred from the past does not diminish. As for parents, no progress - if anything, it got worse due to various reasons and new problems which arose during these two months. I still could not embrace the fact that I am in NS by some stupid reason, even though I came to grasp the idea that I will certainly learn things from this two-year exposure.

In the end, the first two months yield no satisfactory answer to my questions and thoughts, and if anything, it's quite funny that I end up with more problems than before I went in. Either way, I will continue to seek answers to my thoughts, I will continue to hate if necessary, I will try to change if circumstances allow, I will make new friends if they accept me. My effort in SCS from Monday onwards is independent of all my problems, thus I have no reason to not work hard in my new vocation. Meanwhile, I will continue with my contemplation and reflection as days go by, hoping that answers may reveal itself, if any.

Before I Go

2011-02-06T19:02:00.003+08:00

Yes, it was my intention since antiquity to write this entry before I embark on a short new journey in the army for approximately 2 years long, of which the commencement of this journey is this Tuesday, 8 Feb 2011. In this respect, the length of this entry may be longer than usual, which I do not find it surprising. After all, despite the flow of time, I do not stop thinking, be it things in the past, future; things that have been resolved and not, trivial issues and important ones; and I believe so long as I continue to think, I would be able to scrawl it down if it is not in order, and I would be able to write it down if it is neatly thought over. Either way, these form the basis of this entry.

I do not know about others, however to me this two-year period would serve as another good time to reflect and stop walking. It is indubitable that I would be stagnant in some respects such as academic capacity and things to think about, but ways of thinking and conclusions of my reflections are expected to change, in whatever direction I will not rule out any. For I believe that whatever issues I have endured or pondered over, whatever conclusions I have reached are not absolute but contingent; I would not be surprised to find myself reaching different conclusions, however distinct they will be from those I believed in the past. In light of this, probably the hardship of any form in the army is too low a price to pay in exchange for such enlightenment. For the past years have been rather heavy in terms of mental load I had to bear, as I have not been able to extricate myself from the burdens of regrets and mistakes that I have created for myself. And for this I bear slight hope of finding an answer to some of these issues I have always had in mind.

I have been here for 4.5 years, since 24 June 2006 and 26 June 2006 being the first day of school here. At that juncture, I did not think about anything regarding this matter (of studying in Singapore and all other issues surrounding it). During the 6 months in secondary 2, it was completely playful period - with my first access to online games and MSN, coupled with easy schoolwork because I learnt them back then in Indonesia. Now when I looked back, I do regret being too playful but perhaps those are just some random fragments of insignificant happiness. The next two years in secondary 3 and 4 were more meaningful, in the sense that I studied when needed, definitely more assiduously than secondary 2.

I have always perceived that the actual problem started during this time - where I had always said that this period were the true downfall on my part. This was the time when I studied harder but at the same time remained playful most of the time. I vividly recall how I could regurgitate several chapters of geography and social studies exactly, how I got 99% for AMaths overall grade, how I got above 90% for all sciences. At the same time, I also lucidly remember how I spent 8 hours a day playing online games during weekends, which otherwise could have been used to read books to improve my language proficiency, be it English or Chinese. The worst part is that the statement:

"I will read many books to improve my language"

was said by myself before I even reached secondary 3, i.e. it was just all talk, no action. Well, I paid dearly for it. As you can see, the C6 English damage on my certificate was pretty troublesome and irksome. It made me unable to even enter MJC even though I aspired to go to somewhere with lower cutoff points. It almost robbed me off my chance to take KI. It prevented me from taking part in Nanyang Research Programme (NRP). And last but not least, it is the cause of my hatred towards myself which I could never forgive - especially when the students clapped for me when I was announced the top student, one who almost failed a subject and yet called as one. I would rather, at that time, give up that position and let someone else take it, for such results, when announced, simply sounded like an insult and sarcasm no matter how I heard it.

The memory of the result release on 12 January 2009 is one I will never forget; a scene of humiliation caused by my own hands. I don't mind not being the first, the strongest if I can avoid this kind of encounter. I would rather not have that title, for it has never been my aim to be on top anyway.

My school was not particularly impressive in both its academics and environment - or rather, I won't be able to praise any aspect of it in the strictest sense. But one thing for sure, despite the rather low academic standards and all other shortcomings, I do not in the least hate the school. It was a place where I could understand why people have difficulties in their studies and try to help them. It was a place where I first controlled my conceit, my arrogance - it was a place where I no longer see myself as the strongest and strive to equalize with others. It is a valuable place where I first learnt how to be humble - or maybe, humbler than before if I am not there yet.

Life continued towards JC, though the five days in TPJC made me recall the hatred I had for myself. After all, it was my 4th choice and it has no KI. Fortunately I managed to appeal into MJC and the things I lost due to the results are lessened. From then at least, my life has taken a better turn for the next 2 years.

In my JC years, I swore to do well in my studies as payback to what I lost back then in 'O' Levels. Yet for the second time it was just all talk - I did not do it again. Maybe partly because I enjoyed life there too much; these two years have been really fun in some respect. I would not be lying to say that I have more or less changed in terms of demeanour, behaviour, attitude, openness. I felt good being together with my class and accepted as part of them. I am grateful for being relied upon and trusted. And it seems that these partly clouded my dark vision of trying to avenge for my results. Well, I would rather attribute it to lack of determination on my part. In the end, yes, I failed in this respect and finished my JC life this way.

Note that I did not say I hated myself for not excelling. I just wanted to accomplish what I wished - in that case, it was about language proficiency. Indeed, if I suppose that I did badly for other subjects but I did well for my English, I might feel disappointed perhaps. However, it probably will not develop into such powerful regrets and hatred as I am having now. English is a hurdle that any foreign students must overcome first here, and yet that was what I actually left out. I even did not rule out the possibility that my arrogance was the one that caused this - that made me false feel confident for my language capacity and thus was mistaken about where my standard lied. I have paid dearly for it, and yet I did not change in this respect. In Indonesia, I was rather comfortable at staying the 3rd in level or 4th, without aspiring to beat anyone in grades. And in MJC, I did not strive to beat anyone either, simply because that was not my aim at all. Ranks, grades to me are simply consequences of my work; they are indirect proof of my hard work, if any. They are my modes of measurement, not an end of my effort.

That is why despite everything else, I cannot bring myself to forgive. It is because up to this very moment I still did not accomplish what I wished back then. I may have changed the way I socialize for the better (hopefully), but I did not change in this respect. I did not aim high either, I simply wish for better proficiency in language and complain nothing else, so it will not be fair to say that I only make unattainable dreams. The hatred of failing to grasp and reach pragmatic dreams - this is exactly the nature of my hatred, in short.

(Here onwards is about family)

Similarly, in terms of family relationship, there are things I cannot let go even if it means shouldering everything myself. I will not accept "for your own good/for your sake" as ultimate excuses to make whatever choices you wish. My parents might be thinking for my sake, but to submit everything to some superstition to decide your children's lives is nothing but nonsense. They may claim that they know nothing and thus asking for advices, but as adults, don't they have any other way to confirm? Some medium told you to send us here, and you just sent us as she said, and tried to justify yourselves by saying that "other people said here is good and your prospects are guaranteed"? I won't have it. I do not need the best education in the world if that means it was chosen ignorantly. Humans are weak compared to gods, but is it that sinful or pathetic to trust other humans to think through things? I would be perfectly alright if I am not in some mediocre school but at least your rational considerations arrived at that. Now I even start to question whether my very existence in this country has any justifiable cause at all.

You once asked why I was so daring and defiant as to not telling you where and what I was studying (MJC), such that you felt pathetic when you only knew your child's school half a year after he got enrolled in. The answer is simple: rather than going to the best school with half-assed reasoning and absurd way of thinking, I would rather choose a place myself without you interfering. Why not, if in the end my choice was a mistake, I have myself to blame and I will gladly shoulder all consequences. At the very least, I feel accountable for my own life and will not blame anyone else who are not at fault, nor will I choose as if throwing a die and expecting the hand of god to choose for me. The gods may be omnipotent and omniscient, but I admit being imperfect being and I do not crave to be perfect. I do not need divine interference as if begging to be carried when I have my own legs to walk still.

You once said I am arrogant, conceited; that I am so because I feel I can do everything myself and need no parent anymore to decide things; that I will fail in life by acting as such in society. Fair enough, I might just fail in life that way. Indeed, I would not rule out the possibility of me failing terribly as a person in my life either. But I do not want to be called arrogant and conceited by parents who themselves are arrogant enough to think that they can cope financially with that godly advice to send us here, to end up now having financial difficulties and we have no choice but to take PR and subsequently citizenship. You may not tell us you have financial difficulties nor the reason for forcing us to take PR and citizenships, but I believe I saw it through. Singapore may be the best place in the world, but does that imply that given the opportunity, you have no choice but to take it?

Look, out of anger you did say that you will not care about me wherever I go and I could leave you two alone as if I am not your son, but you added the following:"you cannot reject the offer for citizenship no matter what, I want to stay here and if you wish to leave, leave after that". Like hell is that supposed to mean? Was this your intention all along? I do not wish to speculate, but never ever let me trace the conclusion that you sent us here for this very purpose - otherwise for real I am not going to forgive any of you. Let me remind my beloved parents right here: I am NOT a filial son who will do as you wish irrationally. I will be unfilial even if the entire world curses me, unless it compromises something else equally important which I know not.

There are still many words you said that I will always remember. Things such as sending me to the secondary school because you were afraid I am stressed and cannot deal with the sense of losing to someone else. Bullshit. For one, you sent us to that school without even knowing beforehand we would end up there due to some agent you hired to find a school for us. That alone would negate all your reasoning. Even if I give you the benefit of doubt, it is still nonsense; unless I am like this in your eyes: I am a child who does not accept losing, who just wants to be the first, who hates losing, who cannot accept someone is smarter or more capable than myself. Am I really like this in your eyes? When I drew this conclusion by certain reasoning, I found this highly disappointing; it highlights the kind of distrust and useless overprotection that a parent can give. And I don't think it requires high education to just get these right.

---

Enough with the ranting (though I hope the way I put it was not). A conclusion I could simply draw to compress all above is that my mistakes and regrets remain, and will never be overwritten. I may end up feeling like this forever, but I will gladly do so if it offers me slim chance of doing better. I told someone this: mistakes you did will never disappear, neither can the pain. What you can do is simply trying to forget about them and move on. However, somehow I do not like the idea. I feel that it is some sort of running away even if it is for the better change; I would rather embrace it and move on along. The only problem now is that I have no means of moving forward while embracing it. And in this sense, this means of moving forward is something I would attempt to find in the next two years in the army.

Yes, at least, during this time, I need not see the parents who seem to think that they have done nothing wrong. Indeed, I did not and in fact cannot blame them for anything for I have no ground nor evidence to do so, just that I felt they cannot be possibly completely innocent. Well, I could simply make everything my fault - it won't make any difference anyway, just more pain on my part which I am already gotten used to. After all, it has been two years since I last talked to my family properly (in family-like manner). Now I am perfectly accustomed with a house which does not give feeling of being at home or family, for this family feels too fake for me to call it one.

Quite some time ago, I did also mention about the aspects in which a small hatred was born towards my siblings due to some reasons: namely, my sister's attitude towards learning and my brother's lack of self awareness when it comes to his academic capacity. Now for the past one month we have been on really good terms, but do not be mistaken: nothing has changed. I simply made the attempt of making you two feel comfortable before going into NS, for I intend to not go back to kind to any of you since to me this family is just too fake in some sense. To my sister, I may be wrong in terms of my loud voices and direct way of speaking, but trust me, you will do badly for your examination this year if you maintain that kind of attitude in your learning.

And to my brother, I have nothing to say to you since you outshone me in all respects without exception, and all things that I was supposed to tell you were already written in previous entries. At least, it is possible that my hatred for you two is purely my fault, though it may also be not. But for the two parents, I just could not think it possible that they are not at fault at all.

Yes, before I go, these are basically all I need to say. After all, part of the contents were all in previous entries, and some are just written in different perspectives or merely reiterations or re-emphasis. Once again, this two-year long in the army hopefully allows me to rethink some of my perspectives and principles. I hope I was all wrong at everything and thus can live normally without worry. But if not, then perhaps I just have to accept that my existence here is grounded by nothing other than thin air, and I simply failed as a person as I failed to live according to my pragmatic dreams and even failed to live in a simple family properly.

It is highly likely that I will continue to fail to fulfill my wishes just like the past, but no matter. At the moment I wish for technically nothing at all, and in this way I hope some things may change along the way. Otherwise, maybe this life of mine is really too pathetic. What is the use of being the strongest academically in school, but fail at being anything else - including being a proper son.

Fragments of Happiness

2010-12-20T01:14:00.002+08:00

There are few things that I have taken note as days like these pass.

Firstly, I realized that for almost two weeks, my communication levels with my siblings have increased rather significantly, though not for my parents. For my sister, as usual she started on asking me questions about her school work again. Sometimes she would offer me things e.g. ice creams or cookies that were kept at home. Sometimes she would offer jokes that I would never know their origins. For my brother, the computer game (namely DotA) managed to keep us communicating as we were able to play it together through local area network, where we strive together to win the game. And even recently, things like H3, olympiads and other school stuffs became our topics of conversation as well.

One of my closest friends told me once: she said that time will heal everything that we cannot manually heal. It seems that the course of events that I am experiencing starts to become like what she said - the events are 'recovering' to a state where things were less chaotic, namely when things weren't as cold in atmosphere as now. It seems that the immediate 'future' starts to revert back into the cozy, 'desirable' state where family is defined to consist of members that are close to each other. Perhaps this is really happening.

Yet, somewhere in my mind/heart/soul, it bothered me; the fact that things are tending towards this supposedly 'desirable state' made me feel less comfortable. It may be partly because I am used to the feeling of being alone or cold to others, but there is something else. It felt more as if somewhere I wish this reversal of trend does not occur; that these events do not revert to this 'desirable' states of affairs.

I am quite positive that this is not what I want, at least not now. I have come to terms of being distant with people, and family is no exception. All previous entries have suggested the reasons - hatred, regrets towards myself that I decided to be immutable and shall be burdened upon myself to all eternity. This may be the most illogical course of believing/state of mind, but at least feeling the guilt and hatred has so far kept me humane. In a way, I could remain sane and well probably because these things keep me aware of myself and my surroundings.

Recently I also was stuck with this idea - about giving up these things and start anew as if nothing happened, or even attain this by having amnesia or some sort (if tenable). Then life is probably a lot simpler and easier, since people always think that thinking positively, living happily is better than the converse; that is, "why would you dwell in unhappiness when you can be as happy as you wish?"

However, if forgiveness is like this: that forgiveness is infinitely easy to accomplish, then why hatred and guilt exist? If deterrence is a necessary object in question, how can we consistently apply forgiveness to an act that begs deterrence and forgiveness - i.e. how do we know we should forgive or be deterred via punishment, hatred or sense of guilt?

In other words, how easy is forgiving others as well as yourself? How easy is it to release yourself from the burdens of your regrets? How could we know that while forgiving, starting anew, we are not instead taking our lives lightly and simply start over like a game - where when you 'die' or make mistakes, you simply have to restart the game and start all over again - as if it is nobody's business, as if nothing has ever happened?

As long as these are not answered by my own, I think that I have no right to enjoy peaceful, happy life as I had experienced in the past (perhaps). And for that, I will not let myself unconsciously enjoy the fragments of happiness or joy that appear before my very eyes, like what is happening to me now at home for example. If necessary, I will crush that illusion again - I will stop myself from enjoying it with my own hands. I am not saying that I am cursing myself to be unhappy for the rest of my life, but I am positive that I do not want to be happy unless I can find all the answers I have been trying to find for myself, if they exist at all.

In the end, I could not stop myself from admitting that I am 'happy', in the sense that I do not have the ultimate or general happiness, but I do enjoy bits of happiness here and there, mostly from school. Yet, this entry has a conclusion in which I will prevent myself from enjoying these if it is necessary.

Existence

2010-12-09T17:23:00.001+08:00

Yesterday's prom night was good, I suppose, and I shall not describe here since everyone knows how it went anyway. But rather, I was inclined to contemplate the post-prom which took place at Zirca where some of the students went for clubbing as post-prom activity.

As for my class, 6 ladies and 2 guys went.

Analysis

It happened that ladies need not pay on Wednesday and they have priority to enter so the guys have to queue and pay $20 to simply enter. Well, in exchange I suppose it is alright since I get the first hand experience of how clubbing looks like, how people there dance, sing, drink to their hearts' content. Apparently some of my classmates were also first timers so they were quite excited. At the very least, they could dance, sing and chat there as if they were not the first time being in this kind of place. Some even could enjoy to the extent that you may think they are regularly visiting night clubs.

On the contrary, I merely sat and watched from the second floor how the entire night club works, how people danced and sang, how people got themselves drunk, how people are led by the crazily loud melodies coming from the stage, the kind of melodies which will make your heart resonate and the intensity which will make your entire body and soul controlled. As far as I could observe, this is definitely an ephemeral, temporal heaven for souls craving for short-term joy, souls running away from immediate problems, or souls that simply want to revel in the entertainment of the modern era - since it is by definition an entertainment just like games or sports in our current society.

Neither did I talk to my friends nor did I do anything that one could consider as 'enjoying the event'. To me the entire night was terrible for few reasons, but one main reason was that I was not feeling well before even reaching there, thus making the entire clubbing session simply a session in which I am enduring the pain (on the stomach) and dizziness. Yet, I decided to go for unqualified reason - namely, to accompany the girls to ensure their safety, which is a rubbish reason to begin with. Reaching home at nearly 4 am, I could not help myself but to reflect about the entire prom night and the post-prom, and this entry is a written testimony of that very contemplation.

Critique

As I mentioned before, the post prom was terrible for me because of the pain and a little dizziness. But my entire contemplation does not lie on this particular issue. To begin with, I am not sure why I ended up going for post prom. Originally we intended to go back right after the prom night by sharing taxis. However, the girls ended up deciding to enjoy the last bit of prom night and since the other guy said he's alright with the arrangement, I followed.

This may not be a mistaken, unjustified decision if I have a valid/sound reason to go there to begin with. However, after much consideration from last night till today, it seemed that I went there because I was worried about the girls. It seemed that my worry was not dispelled by the general consensus that Singapore is a relatively safe country, thus night clubbing should not be worrisome in any way. Let us assume that this reason is valid - though upon careful breakdown, it may turn out that it is in fact not so.

So yes, I went there and entered the place, and observed for the entire night. So, eventually what I did was standing on one side, sitting on a chair, watching people dancing and enjoying downstairs where the stage was located since I was at second floor. Believe it or not, for the entire session there, these were technically all I did.

And also, as my worry was not dispelled, every once in a while I kept asking my friends where they went if they were missing, and I ended up following three girls whenever they went to so-called 'take care of them' (yeah, how rubbish can this act be), while another guy is with the remaining. Just by this act alone, I felt so stupid.

The reasons are simple. First, it is annoying for the girls - after all, no one will feel alright if they are followed everywhere, and neither did I feel alright following them around and restrict their enjoyment while they are there. They should have been left free to enjoy themselves. Secondly, they are all more experienced with this kind of activity and place - looking after them is superfluous or even contradictory. Thirdly, I did not enjoy the event, simply because I could not bear with the noise level and all the bombarding melodies, and I was not feeling well even before I came to the night club, so basically in short my existence there could only in principle act as mood destroyer.

One last thing, while the four of us (the group I am with) was walking and looking around, and also when we tried to find our friends in the midst of the crowd, out of responsibility, it seemed that I held her hands so that we won't lost one another while moving as a group. It happened twice. Well, before the day ended, I managed to apologize to her in the end for doing so.

But now that I think about it, I felt so stupid and angry at myself. It is because it seemed as if that was not the true reason. My fear was that subconsciously I wanted to hold her hands and by doing this I am doing a job of protecting. By doing this I may be subconsciously hoping for something. As I stumbled upon this subconscious possibility, I really feel like cursing myself.

Why, after all, did I become so over-protective? Nothing will happen even if I am not by her side - and so for the rest, it is alright if I leave them alone. Logically speaking, holding hands is not a necessary condition to prevent oneself from getting lost in the crowd. Furthermore, why did I even go to that place to begin with? To look after them? Rubbish. To begin with, they do not need such thing, and given that I am a first timer, it is a contradictory act for a first timer to look after those who are more experienced. Is it simply because I am a guy? Rubbish - it's not as if IF there was something happening, I could do something to solve it.

Why cannot I just indulge myself in the dancing and singing and enjoy myself, at least for once in my lifetime if I do not like the place? Yes, I was not feeling well, so I decided not to, and besides I do not like the place where I cannot bear with the noise level. But if that is the case, why did I follow her and the other girls? Since I just concluded that the 'protection' is superfluous and I could not enjoy being there, following them around simply restricts their own enjoyment and I am essentially a hindrance.

Conclusion

There are a lot more things I would like to say and scold myself about the event, though the sketch is sufficiently described above. Basically, now I still despise myself for my act and way of thinking regarding the post prom, and whatever that happened while we were there. I simply hope that everyone enjoyed the event even if I did not, and I regret for being such a hindrance who could be better off not coming over and nothing will happen anyway. I underestimated Singapore's safety and as a result I became mood destroyer of the night. And for her, I could not express my apology any better than the message sent this morning, and I am still feeling guilty no matter what kind of forgiveness she bestows upon myself.

Overall, I feel like a trash who is just a hindrance to everyone's period of joy during and after the prom night. This is of course the worst case - it may turn out to be not so severe. But I could not help but to think that the fact that I did not enjoy the events yesterday says something about my existence in those events. And from here onwards, I should learn to care less about others, for most of the time, such care is not needed or contradictory. And this reasoning I take it to be valid simply on the ground that I have despised myself for many other similar reasons since long ago, since every so often my existence is just like this - a hindrance, as far as I can see it. And this is definitely not an opinion but more like a fact, for it persisted wherever I am.

Price

2010-11-03T23:17:00.003+08:00

I am getting more and more confounded by my behaviour and rationalizing. Especially when it comes to the rationale of my hatred and negative thoughts. I will write this in non-chronological form, so it will appear scattered.

As I received more news indirectly that my brother was performing so well in the promotional examinations, I have mixed feelings over this. Compared to last year, my results were mediocre in the face of his. And I cannot have any say in this because I know I did not work hard - at that time I did not practice papers at all, and he did. Meaning, it makes sense that his result is as such. This, as I have always mentioned, is one proof of my uselessness as an older brother (though there is no written obligation for me to be a role model). And personally to myself, it is one of the biggest source of my hatred because it marked the fact that I failed to fulfill my vow - that I am going to change everything after my demise in the 'O' Levels. The fact that I did not do what I should led to the backfire that I currently experience.

I still clearly remember how I walked out of the school hall of Changkat, almost burst with anger and regrets of not taking English seriously enough. After all, I spent the first half a year in Singapore studying scantly because the topics were taught in my country, and thus ended up playing computer games everyday, or even 8-10 hours in weekends when there is no examination coming up. The next two years in sec 3 and 4 were slightly better since some subjects were new, but in principle nothing changed. Weekends I still played 8 hours, and studying at about 5 hours per day when examinations were coming up. English was again neglected - which could have been otherwise if I even bothered to read story books or some sort. The 'stellar' results, as my ex-schoolmates would have called it, are the source of those complacency.

This was especially evident when relation is drawn to the 'O' Levels. My physics in school were considered the strongest, and I was complacent enough to ignore it a bit. I got my A1 but with leaving many blanks in the exam paper; I know, this must be insulting if viewed from the perspective of those who have been working very hard, much harder than myself but did not manage to get A1. Believe it or not, I hated that result - or rather, I hate this capacity of being able to overtake others without doing the proportional amount of work. Same goes for my combined chemistry and biology. Even English is also like this - I managed to get B or even A during preliminary examinations, without beefing up my English and the fact that I am not local student. People started to think that my language is superior than the rest, and I ended up helping them a bit - only to end up almost failing the paper in 'O' Levels, while the rest got at least their B. No matter how much I hated this kind of ending that befell upon me, I knew very well that it was my own mistake - for I did not do what I should.

The burst of anger and regrets led me to wish that I was not the top student in academics, for I gave false hope to those people in the school who thought that I may be able to create history by giving them the first 6-pointer. Not only that I failed in my attempt, but also that it reflected the severity of my mistake. I ended up vowing that I am going to crush GP or KI in the 'A' Levels by going through major changes so that the tragedy will not occur again. After all, I do not want to be overestimated and eventually die again in the most crucial time.

This vow is, after all, rubbish. For after 1.5 years in JC, I realized that nothing has changed. TO conquer GP or KI, I need to correct my language capacity. Reading is the best way. And yet, I remained the same stubborn person. Not only that I did not do the required reading (or rather, I actually did not do anything about my English), I still continued playing a lot - still about 5-6 hours a day in weekends, and I even dared to not practice papers after failing some lecture tests in school, even physics, the subject I supposedly understand the best. And now, here I am, few days before 'A' Levels, only to be faced with the pathetic fact that nothing has changed, all practice papers still not done, and yet writing this entry with the same situation as 2 years back - nothing has changed at all, or if there is, it must be to the worse.

How could I not hate myself for being so weak, not resolute at all, that I made such an easy vow and ended up fulfilling none of them? How could I not hate the fact that such deeds of mine is simply a disgrace to those who worked their way up? I could not help but to hate my own capacity, intelligence, or the so-called my 'talent'. I wish I did not have it, if that is what made me survive all these without the proportionate amount of hard work. Yet, inasmuch as it being paradoxical, I cannot imagine what will happen if these things are not within me - I would probably have been cursing to Gods that how unfair it is to bless some people with superb capability. And now, here, seemingly the blessed one, is paradoxically cursing for having such capacity which probably is dreamt by many. And just by writing this paragraph could have offended some people, for they may think that either I am such an ungrateful kid, or that I am just trying to say that I am more intelligent. Either way, I can safely say that no one will ever come to understand me, for whatever I say will only offend them. Yes, how can they understand how I feel without getting offended?

The very fact that my brother did not tell me his results implies that he did not understand at all what I wrote about him long ago. At that time, I was saying that he has no right to claim that he is not good enough if he is performing well, and thus I concluded that he does not understand true weakness. And apparently he really did not understand the true meaning of what I said back then. He thinks that by not telling me he will not cause me all these negative feelings; wrong from the start. I merely said that one should never claim that he's not good enough at all if he is in fact standing under spotlight. It is an insult as I put it back then, which makes sense, is it not? It is as if you are standing at the top of everyone else and saying that 'I am still not good'. What, then, does the hard work by those who did not manage to climb as high count as? I no longer expect him to understand, and it explains why I do not bother about him anymore. After all, after all these, to me he is no more a critical mirror of my pathetic self. Seeing him reflects to me the hatred and anger that have been mounting and hidden in my self, and my uselessness. Of course, some people would think that now I am also standing under spotlight in some sense and thus I equally have no right to say all these, but no matter - maybe they are right. But if they are wrong, it must mean that they do not comprehend how I feel, which I do not expect them to.

As for my sister, I can only hope that she will do well. She is evidently weaker, but definitely have sufficient ability to go very far if she works hard enough and if she cultivates the correct attitude to learning. Inasmuch as I say that I despise her attitude towards learning so much, I still know the fact that the attitude is all she needs to change for her to climb far. And for that, I have nothing much to say to her. After all, I will not bother about her as well. She will not need such useless brother, full of hatred and can do nothing but to despise and despise even his own family, and the much needed change comes from herself and not from me.

As for my parents, I even have less things to say. To me, no matter how much I owe them, I still cannot forgive them for relying everything on hearsay or even some religious advices to the extent of sending the children to some country to study simply because some gods tell them so. I will clarify one thing (if only they can read this): it is also due to this incident that I choose not to believe in Supreme beings, or religious teachings which they believed. Even if these things do exist, I will rather choose not to believe in them if that means they are going to be used as justification for all their decisions. Secondly, 'we did it for your sake' will not appease me. Whatever decision you make, I will not accept such excuse, especially if those decisions are not properly grounded with good reasons. Even if back then I was too little to be rational enough to decide my future, it does not mean you can then ignore my opinion or just decide everything on your own and ignore everything else. And the fact that some gods actually took part in your decision making is one that I will never condone and thus forgive.

They probably did not realize why I did not tell them which JC I went to, what subjects I am taking until when JC1 year was ending. Meaning, they only knew where I am studying nearly 7 months after I was admitted to the school. Simple reason: I do not want their clouded judgment to anyhow destroy my path. I would rather get destroyed by the path I personally chose, at the same time being aware of why I am facing the risk of destroying my life for the path I choose. Simply put, I do not mind ruining my life if I am aware of why it happens and how I choose the path that leads to my demise. Still, I know it is futile; in the end there is only this much I can do it myself. As examples, whether I am taking up permanent residence or even citizenship here is technically their choice. Few weeks back, after all, the mother has claimed that I have no choice but to take citizenship no matter what happens, i.e. I have no right to reject if I am offered one. Well, it is not as if I never guessed this will happen. Let it be. At least, to show some extent of filial piety, I suppose giving up my freedom in this issue is good enough. Whether they appreciate this or not is another matter. Well, it is easy to think that they will take this for granted, and blaming them is simply waste of time and energy.

Maybe the two years in NS is a good period for me to further reflect about my family and myself. On one hand it is a period in which I can avoid contact with the family members which I have hated for so long - wrongly, in other people's eyes, perhaps. Well, the way how I live my life seems to be very wrong in other people's perception, so I shall give them the benefit of doubt. Yes, maybe that will be a time where my life will be tough due to all the military training, but yet peaceful because I will not need to see them. And I believe they will also agree that a family member like myself will be better to disappear from their eyes. Even if they do not agree, I could care less.

Overall, my hatred will never diminish, much less disappear. As I said, I will carry this for the rest of my life as a burden to always remember. A price I have to pay after all these that have been happening. I am pretty much aware of the fact that to most people, my way of thinking is not only negative but also seemingly warped. Maybe you are right. But I do know one thing - I can write infinitely wrong about my hatred, and I think this entry together with all my previous entries are not enough yet to express how I feel. Nonetheless, no one will understand this anyway, and I do not expect anyone to be able to. Even as I know that there are probably people out there who are less fortunate than myself, be it due to poverty or whatever it is, I still think that a person's problem is not comparable in principle - that is, I am still justified to claim about these problems if they exist, and not merely dismiss them simply because there are even less fortunate people out there around the world.

Well, even if things will no longer change, which after all these, I no longer have the right to claim that changes will occur, it does not matter anymore. I simply have to move on with greater burden in my heart. It matters not if happiness is a luxury to my life. For, after all, even if I contemplate about this infinitely many times, time will not wait for men. The very reason, after all, is that time is irreversible and that's all there is to it.

The Paradox

2010-10-15T23:26:00.002+08:00

It seems that I underestimated my own hatred, even though I have rather complete understanding of it. How paradoxical.

What I realized, at the very least, was that now I find myself being alright - or even comfortable - without what I may call Family Interference. Simply put, now I can live at home as if no one is at home. I could ignore siblings and my mother as if they were non-existent, and only did not do so occasionally just to ensure the decibel level at home is kept at bay. In other words, it seems that the hatred has managed to fortify myself from external influence such that even something called a family means nothing.

Yet, at this point, I am quite grateful that this happens. With the sister whose learning attitude I despise a lot even though other aspects of her are probably the best in the world, my hatred towards her can even grow steadily. With the mother whose description has been done many times in my many entries in the past, I do not see any reason as yet to change my position from hostility to the normal family relations. With the brother who previously was pretentious enough to think he will die even though he is on top on the world, I have nothing to say even if he has managed to hide this aspect of him from me perfectly well.

Even writing this entry is tough, both linguistically and mentally.

Hatred is a very dangerous thing - it consumes the user who makes use of it to gain power and strength, and it hurts the people around if they are close to the user. Plus, in my previous entry, I said that hatred entails selfishness - and thus the pain incurred on the people around the user will be automatically ignored by the user. Up to this much, I know and am aware of. And I still see no reason to revert to the old self.

It seems I was right - maybe this is the best if it remains for the rest of my life. There are just things which one cannot change, and even if it can be changed, if the one who is supposed to effect the change is too useless to be able to do so, then the supposedly plausible changes for the better would also become an impossibility. After all, I only realized all these when I actually committed them - akin to a murderer who only realizes murder is wrong after he kills someone.

No matter. I could care less for everything else.

Last

2010-08-22T23:03:00.003+08:00

It is just two months before the actual examinations take place. And here I am, as unprepared as I was when I first entered this JC - at least figuratively. My intention today is to write the last blog entry which will result in hiatus up to when the examinations have ended at end of November.

I would rather call this entry sort of congregation of my recent thoughts, which might well be the same as what I have always been writing. But I would take this opportunity to actually pen down these things and even if I continue to think about it to the rest of eternity, writing down seems to be the best cure against memory loss of any sort.

My journey in junior college is for certain enjoyable. For one, I feel that the friends I made here are closer to my heart than those I had made before, though it does not imply the previous friends are not my friends. If indeed these JC friends and classmates are friends, then I can be sure that they are closer to my heart. Despite the inability to help them in any way nor am I able to care for them in whatever ways possible, I know my intention is there - proving to myself that indeed they are those that I care the most now. Maybe more than family.

Yes, family. Up to today no problem has been resolved at all. I remained solemn at home and continued the rather tense, hostile atmosphere whenever I am around my family members. As I continue to ponder over it, it seems that I could not bring myself to revert to the old self where hatred is not so intense and directional. Now my hatred is sharp enough to be directed towards certain people, in this case, family members, and defined enough to allow myself to analyse that hatred itself and came to all these conclusions. I foresee that time will not solve this problem, and I think it is time to also admit another option to this issue: to let go of the chance to recover and live with this regret and hatred for the rest of my life. At least, I don't need to blame anyone else, and if one says I am selfish, it is natural. Hatred is by nature selfish, though selfish is not hatred - and hence if my hatred creates ripple effect in the form of negativity to others, I could care less.

There is no doubt that I dug my own grave. Back in secondary 2, if I made the effort to improve my English instead of playing around with computer games etc, by the time I reached secondary 3 things would have been thousand times easier. I am not a scholar, but I think that first half year I came to Singapore should be sufficient to beef up the basics, and the remaining two years in secondary school can be used to improve it to more advanced level. These are very possible - if and only if they were done. I did not do it, and thought that by secondary 4, an effort to salvage my English by vocabulary memorization would work. Theoretically it should, and in the end no matter whatever the reason is, it is a fact that C6 is the grade I obtained and it is, in my opinion especially now, very objective and reflective of my state back then.

The time when I realized clearly the lack of determination to do the things I wished to do was after this period. I swore on the day of 'O' Level release that I will crush the 'A' Levels, especially GP. But I ended up playing around again, at least as severe as in the past. My results fluctuated greatly, from the prized A to the despised U in most subjects. Obtaining KI in place of GP seemed to inadvertently make me arrogant and forget that it was supposed to be the subject equivalent to the one I wish to crush. I ended up treating KI in light manner, thus now, though my teacher said I am doing well, now I feel the strain of the lack of revision and preparation. To think that the topics on ethics and social science and art feel like new whenever I read them is the best testimony of such pathetic state.

I must have become so arrogant that I took mathematics lightly, and finally the backfire came in H3 Mathematics examination where I could not answer many questions even though I have done all tutorials. The lack of attention must be because I thought I would be able to do it since I was able to enroll for it, which is a very naive attitude even though I think I do not have such thoughts consciously. Nonetheless, it did not change the fact that I have sufficiently neglected that subject, and thus obtained a deserving punishment. This regret is very well defined that if the backfire really materializes, I would have nothing to say since the causal relationship is too clear.

The same for physics. I have not been revising for physics up to now, resulting in severe strain in the lack of knowledge and preparation when it comes to time trials and exercises. Maybe this is due to my inherent mindset caused by the Physics Olympiad training. Subconsciously I probably think that I was the only one accepted into NUS training, thus I must be thinking physics in H2 is nothing but laughingstock. Ha, what a joke. Now that I realized all these folly, things may have become too late to be salvaged. Taking physics in university? Maybe I should deal with my capacity to deal with my inherent arrogance first before I decide on my future, and to put it short, maybe this applies to all subjects I take.

My mother once said, in view of my hostile attitude, that I am just being arrogant, that I am useless if I could study well but my attitude is like this. I never responded to such claim simply because I feel it is so ironic. My previous premises seemed to show that I have not studied well, and my attitude seemed to spring up from the rest of the problems, hatred and regrets of my own. At the very least, this serves to prove the severe lack of understanding and willingness to fathom on her part, and I do not ask for these as well. Since I have decided that I will settle everything myself, I will not blame others, nor will I require others to understand me.

Last Friday, I went for the NUS tea session for the so-called top students among the junior colleges. Definitely discussions with provosts, admission staffs and the deans and professors were extremely informative. I practically gained all the things I needed to know from there, especially about something I did not know called the USP (University Scholars' Programme). The session left me with dilemma. On one hand, it seemed to push me to go for scholarship and exciting futures awaiting with all the offers in university that would be very good to obtain. On the other hand, it made me shudder in fear - whether even such an opportunity would end up having the same fate as my previous 'O' Levels, or maybe even my 'A' Levels may suffer the same destiny. At my current state, I wished I need not think about future, for now I fear not of the lack of opportunity available, but I fear the most about the fact I will waste away all these chances with my own folly again. And given my lack of determination which I could not correct up to now, the chance of this happening again is high.

At some point I wanted to eliminate all sorts of happiness I could obtain from school and proceed with life in strictly dispassionate manner, hoping that this may lend me focus and strength to avenge for my 'death' in the examinations two years back. However, I have no guarantee of it working, thus I cannot take that risk. Yet, if I enjoy too much, the same danger may still loom. Problems with studies and determination resulting in mistakes and regrets, creating ripple effect on emotion and attitude towards others and life - these are very deadly combination of problems.

And therefore, today I decided to stop all this folly and try to move on with my previous resolutions. This is my last entry till November, and also the last time I slack off computer for crazily long time. I am pretty much aware from my past that as I say this, the next day I may just break this promise or resolution, but still I would like to say it, hoping with however little chance, that it will materialize. My regrets and hatred will not disappear, but I wish they would not add. After all, I am tired. Very tired of all this nonsense in my life especially if these are created by my own hands.

Reiteration

2010-07-29T00:41:00.002+08:00

My hatred will not disappear, for my ineptitude stays. This does not in any way imply the converse is true - that if the ineptitude disappears, therefore so will my hatred. Under careful scrutiny, it must be understood that what pulled the hatred into the existence is not solely the ineptitude part, nor is it a simple self-accusation to oneself.

I craved for power. A power that could bring me far enough to see the world I want to see, a strength that allows me to enjoy the privilege of learning beyond what I have done before. This craving is not at all for any sort of glory - in simplest term, I sought power in order to learn as much as I could, especially after all the things I missed.

Then came the time where I proved that it cannot be done. Inasmuch as I try to deny, it is unfortunately indisputable that whatever I did in secondary school was far from enough. Once I told two classes in my secondary school, "if you study hard enough and really seriously, a decent grade is yours even if you are not entitled the highest grades called A1." And yes, as I said that sentence, it struck me indeed as being so ironic. I believe, after all, C6 is never a grade called decent, and if I were to abide my own principle, then it follows that I have not been taking English language seriously enough to obtain what I called decent grades.

Today I saw my friends preparing for SAT examination for English. They bought the GRE vocabulary book and attempted to memorize them, and I could see how good they are in doing that. After few minutes of watching them in amusement reciting the meanings of those otherworldly words probably unknown by most people, the 'O' Level scenes replayed itself. It's all about how I memorized all those words back then, hoping that it would be the best way to grapple with the only subject that pulled me down. And apparently it does not work for obvious reason. I feel like asking them not to repeat my mistake, but who knows, maybe they will not face the same problem as me, which means, all those in the past are but due to incompetence on my part.

At the very least, I am comforted by the fact that my siblings no longer do so, and they continue to improve themselves in their language capacity through reading widely, especially the brother who has read really a lot as far as I could observe. His writing style and sharpness has improved to the extent that I could not recognize, simply because my language proficiency is no longer at his level. This is not a praise, nor is this a commendation of any sort conferred by older brother to the younger - this is a mere statement of fact, a positive proposition about our language capacity. Given that in the past two years he has been reading constantly while I technically do not read, it makes sense that this happens.

I did say that my hatred also stems from the fact I could not fulfill the role of good brother, but I did stress the fact that it is due to my own folly and not theirs or his. If I were to simply things out, this makes a lot of sense - after all, I am the one stagnating, but they are improving. It is therefore logically derivable that if I could not attain this role model calibre, it has to be because of myself. After all, it makes no sense to ask others to deprove in order to create relative improvement of myself.

Inasmuch as I said all these, there is no turning back. All the things that have gone wasted, all the things that were left undone, unfinished, will remain so until the end of time. Even if I start reading now, I cannot catch up with them nor can I undo my past mistakes simply because of the constraint of space time. For instance, in order to learn as much as I want, I desired for Raffles Institution, and now that I have failed because of my English, even if my English can be improved to a godlike calibre now, there is no way I could reenter that school. If I do not do well for this 'A' Level due to the same reason, even if I were to repeat everything after my ineptitude disappears, time does not wait.

These are some of the core issues that I have been dealing thus far, if any of you could not fathom what I have been writing all these years in this blog about all my regrets and mistakes. It is a very simple combination of mistakes and regrets together with the limitation of space-time that always left me contemplate aimlessly. As for now, I am not strong enough to even make determination to change myself - after all, I could not even keep my promise to study hard in JC even if that means I were to lose my happiness. Apparently I enjoyed too much when I am in JC together with my classmates, that it diluted all my desires and negative energy.

Sometimes I do wish that there will come a time when I can forgo everything dearest to me for the sake of strength alone, for at this juncture happiness is no longer important. At my current state, I don't even quite see my family - family seemed to lose pretty much of its meaning, and that partly become the reason why I do not wish to go home early. I left house at 6.20am, reach home at 9.30pm, and during the time at home, I do not speak with the family members. From my perspective, it is understandable - for I no longer see 'family' with the same eyes as I did. After all these happening and after being engulfed in vortex of hatred created by my own stupidity, this phenomenon is not surprising to me. And this will probably continue indefinitely.

Lastly, maybe I will fail in my endeavours. Maybe after all these things occurred and the fact that I could not reverse all the wasted time and I could not erase my ineptness, I can be quite certain that I will never get what I want. Even so, it is not important. I need to stay alive, continue living this pathetic life where the pathetic state is evidently due to my own folly, so as to see more regrets and mistakes worth contemplating. I am an inveterate failure in life, relationship, aspirations, but I think in the end living for the sake of regretting is not that bad after all. I have been doing these all these while anyway, and it will make no difference.

Even if I will remain unhappy forever, I do not mind at all. If someone tells me one day that my current state creates a ripple effect where other people are affected by my hatred and unhappiness even though they are not supposed to be the victims, I could only offer my apology. After all, regretting and pondering mistakes are all selfish acts especially if they are doe by someone incorrigible.

Flash

2010-06-23T23:49:00.002+08:00

It struck me again - the thoughts of all things that led me to this state of mind.

I attempted to reason out all the problems that led me to my current state.

And somehow I found these possibly tentative conclusions.

Firstly, I tried to live in hatred, regrets, maybe because it is in a bid to deter myself from doing the same mistakes, falling into the same abyss. I surmise that I possess some sort of 'fear' against repeating mistakes, especially costly ones, therefore unconsciously I posited that punishment or deterrence is needed. For instance, living unhappy life is a price I once claimed to be apt as punitive measure. The reasoning is quite simple: if with all these 'measures' I still repeat them, what makes me think without these punishments I would not repeat them?

I bear hatred to my siblings especially my brother and parents due to my own folly. Long ago I claimed it was my parents' fault. Now, no more. It is because I do not prefer to take risk of accusing anyone external - I would rather assume everything is my fault for it creates less harm externally, in the sense that if it is their fault, I do not need to bother to find justice since past is irreversible, and if it is my fault, I just have to be responsible for my own action.

Tentative reasons, I think, they are. Simply because they are not convincing nor solid enough to be my conclusion. I am pretty aware that I have pretty much ruined my own life with my own hands, and living unhappy life is something I deserve for whatever I have done. Also, I am clear about the possibility of not finding any answer to my questions regarding all these thoughts even if I search for it all my life. My internal turmoil - whatever it is - is still unresolved as I type this, but nonetheless life goes on. I am glad, at least, that I still think vividly.

Hatred

2010-06-19T18:13:00.004+08:00

Somehow I find myself writing here. Sadly, I can conclude that my hatred grew. Towards anyone I have mentioned, especially myself.

The reasons are too many and too typical to write down. Either way, I have to therefore learn to accept from today onwards that whatever I do, if they are tainted with failure and disappointment, or hopelessness and despair, it must be because of my own folly. I have stressed this over and over, but I find myself realizing that this emphasis is increasing.

After all, to me what is most unforgivable in myself is the fact I am incorrigible, incurable and do not have enough determination and willingness to change to the better. Until then, I have to accept any failure without question but can only regret and nothing else.

Letting Go

2010-06-01T21:44:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I consider myself letting go one thing that I once held dear and would not have thought to let it go. Singapore Mathematical Olympiad.

Last year after bronze award, I was determined to repeat it one more time this year. Sadly, after much internal turmoil with myself and lots of things that I think have happened, I decided to finally let it go.

After H3, and all personal matters, the blow remained. I no longer have the heart to decide to continue doing advanced mathematics. As stupid as it sounds, it is just like that. I was the one who resulted in all these, and this time letting go of SMO is nothing but something I deserved.

After all, now I can only regret. Yet, maybe this is the best decision - as a lesson for me to treasure whatever I have. To even give up on things that I used to be able to do... it's painful, I guess.

The Critique of Floating Dreams

2010-05-21T23:36:00.003+08:00

At this juncture, it seems that he does not realize yet that in my eyes, he is now one of the sources of my hatred. Indeed by all means this hatred is unjustified, or rather falsely justified, and an unfair one. Nonetheless, I cannot help to feel that way because of my ineptitude, folly and lastly his way of thinking.

I hate him simply because he surpassed me, but NOT because I lost to him. Competition is never and will never be the object whose existence will be of any influence to our lives. However, allow me to again reiterate myself - I hate myself the most for not being able to be the role model for him and my sister, and the very notion of me being weaker than his is the very testimony of the absence of such role-model characteristic.

And for the same reason, I cannot forgive myself and somehow it led me to possess hatred directed towards him - however irrational this may be. People may suggest that younger siblings outstripping yourself is actually a good thing as we can worry less about them. In my opinion, indeed, that is true, provided that any elder brother has no obligation whatsoever to be the role model. In addition, given our current society, I do not think people are really that comfortable with such notion.

He thinks he is not good enough. Fair enough, considering that he probably had aspirations that were left unattained. But I shall assume that he has never thought for me, or put himself in my shoes. I shall prove for myself that this is the case, and what is the corollary if this is NOT the case.

I posited that the assumption is valid. This is because from what I see, from his blogs, writings, and school results, there is no indication that he is weak, apart from the fact that he is not the first. Yes, in junior college he is not the best students and he has not really topped the whole cohort in anything. However, he is one of the best students around capable of getting B or A when people are failing. It's A and B. And he came to me yesterday and said "sigh, I didn't get A for chemistry again this time round!"

Hence I concluded that he has never thought from my perspective. Because if he did, he should know how I fared for my chemistry which was atrocious throughout, yet he spoke as if he is rubbing salt on my wound. If that shows his ignorance towards his brother, then I may somehow forgive him, and I would not want to think that he deliberately did so to insult me. I definitely think he did it purely without knowing it himself.

He thinks his English is bad, because he got B3 for O Level English and he thinks that he is struggling in GP, thus his claim is justified. Again, I shall assume he is not insulting me. This is because he should know by heart or even by logic that my English cannot be better than him, or rather it has to be worse than his. I never read story books, Times, National Geographic, or any library books. Even if I did, it totaled up to less than ten books all my life. He can count it himself if I recite for him the title to confirm this is the case. A person like this cannot have better English than his, who has been a lot more times more than I do. And just by comparing the writing styles of our blogs, he should know I am below his standard.

My dear brother, let me ask you something. Do you really think you are justified in claiming all those in front of me? That simply shows you have no understanding about me, nor do you have the intention to do so. Do you really think me having KI while you take GP is the solid testimony that my English is better than yours? If you think this way, then all the more you are tending towards insulting me. You simply do not understand.

Do you understand my hatred now?

I hated myself for being unable to be the role model. And nowadays you always claimed you are incompetent here and there, without the slightest clue that this brother of yours is more incompetent than yourself and yet you pretend as if nothing happens. Fair enough, I shall assume that you do not pretend anything and it is purely ignorance that led you to behave in such manner. But again, either way, it shows you know nothing about me, and you do not understand what 'true weakness' really means.

If you were somehow in RI now, you are probably going to be extremely arrogant and stubborn at the rate you are going. Based on these, I would rather think that you fathom nothing out of the word "weakness". Do you think you understand what it feels to be weak just by what you have mentioned? Think again. You have not seen the world, and worse still, you have not seen through your very own brother.

Ma Lan almost persuaded me to forgo all these, as well as Si Ding who had incessantly wanted me to be out of the cycle. But it seems I cannot erase my hatred to you. I despise you for underestimating 'weakness', and think that whatever you are in now is a state of weakness. To me, you are just sounding like an elitist. To despise you is one of my regrets, but given my current state, I could not help but to feel so. I don't mind you accusing me of saying all these to somewhat attack you.

I only know, given my current state, I have more reason to hate than to embrace, I have more reason to regret than to forgo. Same for my very own father and mother. Hating my own family because of my stupidity is a burden heavier than anything else, more suffocating than any form of asphyxiation. And my dear brother, I shall apologize here, right now, that I wrote this entry against you, but to me I am justified to do so. After all, your floating dreams are nothing compared to my shattered dreams, your shattered dreams are nothing compared to my eternal regrets, and your regrets are nothing compared to my hatred.

Maybe as time continues to flow, it will come to a time where I can no longer bear with all these and burst out. Until then, I believe I can still contain myself and live on my regretful life. Before my hatred overtakes my brotherly mind, let me advice you one thing: do not look down on yourself or regret anything before you have definite conclusions on what you are going to lose or fail. Other than these, I have nothing else to say. To me, between us there are only casual chats, laughter and a larger portion of hatred. And this hatred is irreversible because my failures are irreversible.

The Cycle of Hatred

2010-05-16T01:37:00.003+08:00

For this entry, I will try to be as candid as one can be, considering the fact that there is no point to hide things that are more or less too apparent to be kept secret.

Allow me to begin with what I told Nicolette, my classmate, few days back. I told her that of all my education experience from primary 1 to secondary 3 in Indonesia, till now in junior college in Singapore, I feel the happiest right here, in Meridian Junior College. It signifies how blessed I am in terms of external environment and all the things that showered onto me - friendship and many more.

On the other hand, this is the very testimony that I have forgotten the truly important thing I should have been doing - 'revenge'. This 'memory loss' I can safely say because of the heavenly paradise I enjoyed in 09S205 all these while. I enjoyed too much inside there, that all my regrets, mistakes, are forgotten because of everyone else who has given me the worldly heaven.

Strange, is it not. Indeed. To me, however, I merely forgot - and therefore the problems did not resolve themselves. And given at this juncture I have no much time left before everything is too late, it seems that it is timely to forgo this paradise and embrace again the power of hatred I once possessed. It is this 'energy' which should be the drive to excel in view of all my mistakes, and a guarantee that I will no longer enjoy happiness for granted.

I think my hatred to some people like my brother and my parents will never disappear, even as I know that it is definitely not their fault at all. I can only blame myself for possessing such hatred and definitely this hatred does not come from them. Maybe in distant future I may change, but I do not expect anytime soon.

There is one person who wished I could change. The only comfort I can give her is that I will try my best, but I will most likely disappoint her. Also, I think this is the time to give up on such happiness. This may be stupid, as far any rational person can perceive. However, I no longer have high hopes on myself, seeing as I am the one who destroyed my own life. I will still live on and try my best, but it is no longer my concern whether I can achieve that or not. Many things possibly attained in the past has turned into impossibility now.

What is left now is whether I can even carry out what I write here. It may turn out that I am such an incompetent person who cannot even deliver what has just been said. Nonetheless, I think my time is up. I no longer have the right to enjoy happiness at all, nor do I have the courage to do so, I guess.

While I dwell in my own abyss of hopelessness one more time and try to crawl back up to the surface, I will see where I go. The whole point is still the same - I am responsible for my own stupidity.

Contradiction

2010-05-11T01:34:00.002+08:00

It seems to be the time for me to go for my potentially last wish. Things as impossible as Oxford. Distinction for H3. A for KI.

At the same time, it seems to be the time for me to let go everything - to let go of my feelings, my vision, and to give up in whatever I am doing. The closest one would be the H3 exam tomorrow. Maybe I will need to give up and submit myself to merit/pass grade.

Simple contradiction which I will not bother to solve because I have been living with such inconsistency for way too long. Maybe like what I said long ago, I will lose everything. Every single thing.

Even so, it is my duty, crafted by my own, to to keep on living by looking forward even if I am not moving forward. Even if I lose everything, including the dearest ones, I have no other option but to accept.

And under careful scrutiny, this is precisely one reason why my regrets are neverending. And I have no more strength to deny any of those.

Regrettable Apology

2010-04-18T21:13:00.003+08:00

I decided to write this piece of apology, which I wished I would never have decided to write it down. This is a regrettable apology for a person I once held dearest, and will always be.

To 姨妈,

As you said, it is interesting that I do not call you the way other kids do. You said it is to prevent some sort of disaster because someone foresaw that my presence would bring about chaos in this family, and thus how I address you had to be changed to 'offset' that effect. And the last time you explained to me was when we quarreled heavily - that you said out that my current state is precisely the predicament that the person foresaw way long in the past.

To you, I am just a child who has grown increasingly arrogant. The fact that I heightened my voice whenever we quarreled became your evidence of me being snobbish and you took that evidence as proof that I am so arrogant to the extent that I see no one at my eye level. The fact that I ignored you every time you asked me anything - from whether I had eaten to how my studies are - became your testimony of my utmost betrayal and disrespect.

Maybe things would have been different if I started off my life in Indonesia as someone who is not good at all in my studies. I do not know whether such issue really has any link with this, but I think there is. Maybe the fact that I have always enjoyed top positions back there, so now you think that if I were to behave in what you perceive as "arrogant", you will conjecture that my achievements are the ones that made me so arrogant and so rebellious; that I perceive myself being too good that I could see nothing but myself.

Maybe things would have been different if I were unable to make it to Singapore. That way, you won't look at me as if I have beaten the whole world in studies. Maybe then you will not judge me the way you do now. Maybe things would have been different if I were not in Changkat. It is not a good school, admittedly, but since I still topped the cohort, you see me as if I am the best student in the world. You see me as if I am the strongest.

You heard your relatives who shared with you how their children struggled in Singapore and had to have a lot of tuition to sustain themselves. From this, you deduced that since I do not have tuition, I must be damn good in my studies. I topped the cohort - so I am still a good student even in country where education is so competitive.

Now I am in Meridian JC. You concluded that JC is so hard and competitive, so the fact I am here must mean I am one of the best students around. I have not told you anything at all about my studies - which I think is good, or else you will think even highly of me wrongly. And all these - yes, all these 'glorious' journey - have given you sufficient empirical evidence that I am such a good student, and once I behave in any way you see as wrong or arrogant or whatever, you will say, "You always think you are the best, that you never see others in your eyes. To you parents are nothing - nonexistent, so you can ignore us, right? So you can now heighten your voice and go against us right?"

Maybe you are right. Maybe I have grown increasingly arrogant. Maybe I am just a bastard who looks too highly of my own self. Maybe whatever I did is wrong in your eyes. I do not know whether I am even right to say this, but I think I believe you never understand me.

I am certain you never know I do not like being boasted by your relatives regarding my studies. You said you never did that. Bullshit. I never shared my results with anyone and no relative stayed in the same school as me, so if not you who else? IF it is not you, I would be interested to know HOW it is even possible. Back there every single relative is praising me that I am very good in my studies. I hated it. They just do not know what it means to be good student, what is bad. If you understood me, you would not have done this.

I am certain you never know I do not like being top student ever since I reached Changkat. I wanted to put a stop at your perception. But I can't. Such competitive education means that I have to win in order to even choose what I want. and that somehow pushed me to top the cohort again. And now you got your chance to boast to others. I seriously wish I did not do that, but that's not possible - and you would not have thought so if you understood me.

Do you know why I did not tell you anything about my studies, my school, whatever in JC? To prevent exactly that. I just wish I can be a student - a normal student like everybody else without anyone praising unnecessarily. Then praises come only when I really did well, and purely because of myself - not because of some people boasting about me. This is better. Yet, you take it as if I am hiding things - you think that I feel I do not need you anymore, so I don't need to tell you anything. You feel that now I am only 19 years old but already behave like this, so you think this alone shows how bad I have become. And exactly because of such interpretation, which is not logically wrong, that I can easily conclude that you expect me to abide you, but in the end you do not know me.

Do you know why I even agreed to take PR? Do you think it is because I have the same opinion as you - that Singapore is the best place to be? I will not deny that Singapore is a quality place to be. But this may not imply I am obliged to stay here. And maybe you do not know, I have only two reasons to accept that - first, to lighten your burden, second, I know you will object if I reject. But well, I don't expect you to understand that. Though after all these while, I really regretted taking it because you do not appreciate it and think that is the natural thing to do. Now I have to go through things that I may not need to if I were a bit more selfish - but you do not know I exchanged that 2 years for you. If you want calculation, not taking PR will cost me just slightly more for my studies in future - insignificant saving compared to taking PR. You think that such thing is purely a privilege rather than a choice. I will not blame you anymore for that, given your severe lack of understanding of the issue and your own child.

Last time I spoke of how I hated my life here because I am living here with the wrong purpose and reason - namely, because someone, or even God asked you to. After asking some friends, I realized many parents are just like that. But, I never imagined a total surrender to hearsays without even bother finding out. And you assume that as long as our future is safeguarded, anything is justified. Well, I will NOT deny staying in Singapore will have better prospects compared to Indonesia. I will choose here perhaps if given the choice. But, don't you realize it, ever since I came here, I can find no reason why I am even here? And you don't even bother to explain or even ask - because you think those are redundant. Up to now I kept trying to live by crafting a reason out of nowhere.

Let me just shorten this out. At this juncture, I am tired of thinking about all these and continue to confront you just to try to correct you. Here I shall apologize for all my impudence and impoliteness, rudeness, being unfilial, whatever undesirable things you can associate to me. I will do whatever you wish me to, if to you that is what it means to be filial. After all, things are inexorable. Maybe this is better for both of us. I do not mind living in denial as if I am the happiest person in the world having family that does not have disputes simply because the child gives in unconditionally. Interesting to know that I ended up in this conclusion, and it is still, in my opinion, regrettable that in the end, I need to write this and conclude that you do not understand me at all. Or maybe you think there is no need for parents to lower themselves to understand their children. Maybe.

If this is what you define as happiness and being filial, I will give you just that. Hope you are satisfied. Whatever it is, do not ever ask me whether I am happy or satisfied or not. For with regards to this, right after this entry is complete, you lose the right to ask me that question. Yes, I think this is extreme, but maybe similar to what Nikki meant by bringing happiness to others. Maybe true happiness does not belong to me, but maybe also that is not the most important thing ever. I will find out whether there are anything else more important and divert all my attention to it.

Eyes That Do Not See, Ears That Do Not Hear

2010-03-22T21:59:00.001+08:00

I committed another mistake yesterday. The nature is one that hurt someone. Despite the apology, the mistake, regardless of severity, is still felt as if it is an irreversible, immutable and inexorable one.

I was right that I can do nothing but mistakes.

People say humans are sinful creatures, but this does not imply nothing but only sins humans can commit. I thought it worked the same for myself, but I was wrong. I only do the wrong things.

People say sins can be atoned, but this does not mean all sins deserve atonement. I thought it worked the same for myself, but I was wrong. I have never atoned, and continue the wrong paths.

Because of it, it came to my mind again all the regrets and mistakes that I had done. They have never been remedied all the while. It means I have not changed. It means whenever I thought I am better than I was, I was wrong. It means whenever I thought I chose correctly, I was wrong. It means whenever I thought defying parents and remaining hostile were the correct steps to make them not take their children's everything for granted, I was wrong. I was wrong for everything. I was wrong for every single opinion that I thought I was right, and it is also wrong itself that I did not bother to evaluate them. I was wrong all the way.

It feels as if I have eyes that do not see, I have ears that do not hear. It is as if I have sense of touch that does not feel. The correct things are before my very eyes, but I do not see them. The correct things are before my very ears, but I do not hear them. The correct breezes are before my very skin, but I do not feel them.

It is as if the black I see is not the black you see. It is as if the melody I hear is not the euphony that you hear. It is as if the zephyr that I feel is not the breeze that you feel. It is as if the world I belong to is not the world you are in - I live in an illusion of no end.

It is the most ironic, that despite being the most aware of all mistakes, I could not bring change upon myself. Just simply for this reason, I could no longer find reason to smile. For this smile is also necessarily an illusory one.

Thinking

2010-03-18T01:50:00.001+08:00

I am tired. Both mentally and physically. Physically because the past days I have not been having enough sleep. This can be attributed to the fact that I am travelling to NUS everyday, the long distance really drained the strength. Plus I slacked whenever I got back home, leaving a lot of things undone and thus the need to stay up late to catch up, which also in some sense undone.

Mentally because I have been thinking a lot. The previous entry was one. Few days back I reflected upon whether I should change my personality almost totally or not. After all, I am not suited to be someone who I am not - the person who can smile, laugh, joke, etc in school. It suits me better to be the more solemn kind, albeit not hostile. May need to try to know the outcome.

And a lot more. I think the last thought I had was that I may eventually be too late for everything. Maybe. But that does not justify giving up, unless I have no more purpose or wish once I attain that particular something. Also, I decided to forgo my march block test. It is the direct consequence of my Olympiad training and slacking at home. I will need to pay a price, for sure, and I am ready for it. I am always clear about my own retribution cycle and all regrets, mistakes I have.

Self-Induced Retribution

2010-03-12T22:34:00.002+08:00

After my H3 lessons, I came into reflection state again. And despite all the random, redundant and possibly repetitive thoughts that kept coming into my mind, it is my intention to try to figure things out whenever possible. Even if it means I have to embark on meaningless, superfluous, circular contemplation of no end.

I once thought that my problems are so much, so heavy that thinking I am one of those who 'suffer' is proper mindset. I have always ignored the fact that I may just as well one of the most blessed person in the world, and it is likely that those people closest to me in proximity, at least, suffer more than me in any sense you can think of. I thought ever since I came to Singapore, ever since my mistakes started, I suffered a lot and this kind of mental strain is one of those incomparable to others. I further enforced it by thinking that others see me as blessed but in fact I am not, hence I concluded that such situation would make me, in overall, suffer more than them because they do not understand me.

However, I again ignored the fact that things may be just the other way round. It may be that they are true - that I am a blessed kid, blessed with a good family, possibly talent in academics as well. Possibly all the problems I suffered are merely illusions, merely something trivial that I unconsciously felt as severe. If this is the case, why am I always feeling that the problems are so real, so true? Why am I still not in good terms with my parents? Why am I still not behaving like all brothers will behave? Why am I still 'feeling the burden' that are supposedly illusory?

Just now I came up with a solid conclusion, of which it is not truly certain but more solid than any other conclusion I ever came up with. And it is strikingly simple. It is that I artificially yet consciously/unconsciously feel them. Or in other words, the problems are consciously or unconsciously made up by me. Or that I am the sole creator of the problems.

The 'real' feeling is thus explicable in such term. Since the problems are conceived by myself, then it logically follows that any feeling associated with them are also in the same sense artificial. Take my 'O' Level grades for instance. Last year I was devastated that I thought it was my grave mistake that I did not take English seriously, resulting in such result. I swore that I will pay it back in the 'A' Levels, and since them bore hatred towards myself for the mistakes I did. In the most general sense, one does not need to go for such sophisticated length so as to mitigate such problem. I may, in the simplest sense, just say that I will work harder in the future and prevent this from happening again, and move on with a smile in the heart. Both ways will, conceivably, yield equivalent result. The fact that I chose the worse method implies that I created trouble for myself, and thus the 'suffering'. It may probably explain in a very strong sense why all these while I have forgotten this 'hatred' and 'revenge for results' -- after all, if the revenge and hatred is not in any sense genuine, how can it last?

Last time I also mentioned that I decided to think that all the problems are created by myself, and thus I have only myself to blame. This is definitely one mental strain I thought I had. But there is a contradiction here. If I really decided to do so, why am I still not in good term with my parents? There is only one way to extricate myself from such internal contradiction -- I, in fact, have not done so. I still have the inclination, possibly a strong one, to think that my parents are at fault for whatever reasons related to all problems I faced. It implies I am not resolute to take all the blame for myself, or maybe I am just afraid to take all blames. Possibly. I can find no way to explain it other than these. And as long as this 'hatred' exists, I will never be able to confine all problems to myself, and will remain hostile towards them. Plus, I could have ended all these easily through mere reconciliation. And things in my family might have gotten better. Again, I created for myself a trouble where I make my family a place not quite ideal, where I, an unfilial son, do not even talk to parents on daily basis.

I am so stupid only to realize it now. I am so stupid. As my academic strength fades along with time, now I realized that I artificially created all problems that I thought I suffered externally. All problems, in fact, are born internally from the crevasses of my heart, recesses of my mind. And the last genuine problem that I have is the superiority mindset that I possess in school. All these years of 'conquering' the schools I went into have made me a conceited person so full of himself that he always sees everyone as lower than him.

When people ask me questions, I replied as if I know the whole world and they know nothing. I helped others as if that is my job and that is their bliss. I speak to friends as if I am standing on top of the world and others are out there to listen to me. I speak to teachers as if I know more than those who are supposed to impart their precious knowledge to all of us. I think in ways as if others will never think in the same way. I answered questions as if I am the only one holding the key to truth. I write KI essays as if I know more than those who deserve to take KI more than myself. I do mathematics as if my bronze medal in Mathematics Olympiad is the testimony of my superiority. I do physics as if topping the cohort for only once in midyear examination is the testimony of my strength above the rest. I do economics as if my analysis is impeccable.

The list may continue, but the whole point is this: if I do not change this mindset, I will fall. And I will fall terribly into the bottomless pit, abyss of despair beyond imagination that I myself created. I will suffer the backlash of ultimate regrets, and forced to bow down before the destiny. I will be crushed by my own hands, and possibly never stand up again. And this will be ultimately enforced if all of the things I mentioned here are not resolved.

When that happens, I will not lie to myself that I will be able to stand up again.

Complexity

2010-03-09T21:57:00.003+08:00

This morning I had a rather bad form of frustration over my physics and chemistry tests, which I shall elucidate later on. During the time, I had some kind of internal turmoil where all sorts of contemplation took place. Only until the end of the school hours then I managed to calm myself down. I can safely say that now I am much more composed than I was then, hence I decided to write down the things that flashed into my mind on that occasion until this very moment.

I failed my chemistry test, and a D for my physics test. The chemistry test was rather frustrating, because though admittedly I did not study properly and sufficiently, I still studied. Never once did I underestimate chemistry for it is one of my preferred subjects. The problem lies here - I studied, yet this is the result. Physics is even worse; while many people regarded me as some kind of physics god in school (of course, Sun Myung is higher than that), what I showed to myself is exactly otherwise; I kept deteriorating. I can understand if the paper was difficult and I did not study. In fact, I did study and the paper was not difficult at all. I hypothesized that I am simply worsening and it seems truly the case, for I realized there are more concepts I take longer time to understand - so long that I am surprised the things are actually obscure to me. Insofar as physics is concerned, I can't accept it. How did I gain access to Olympiad if I do not even settle my school work?

With that in mind, I realized one very important yet missed conclusion - I overestimated myself. This is the best conclusion I can derive after the most careful scrutiny of the reasons behind all these folly. I assume that because I have not been sort of 'overtaken' by anyone in secondary school life, I developed some sort of superiority mindset; a mindset where I keep thinking I am sufficiently good and thus I am doing well precisely for that reason. Right here, now, I realized this is a complete foolishness I can conceive. With this mindset, I go around explaining to others about their studies, trying to help others in their school work as if I am eligible for that. The newest example is that before the chemistry test, I helped Si Ding in her studies. She did badly and so did I. Both of us failed. So now, do I have the right to help, or rather do I have the capacity to help? It makes no sense that someone who failed chemistry test helps others in chemistry.

I was just thinking. Maybe all these are just backlashes of my past mistakes where I did not study hard enough and I did not take my studies as seriously as I could achieve. The 'O' Level English result is the first proof. Then it seemed that I am complacent when I topped once in physics and KI, as well as doing generally well for the promotional examinations. I failed to realize that I did not work hard enough such that I can sustain those results. In fact, my current results and the difficulties in my studies I am facing now all pointed to the same conclusion. While past mistakes cannot be erased, but at the same time it seems that the backlash is impossible to allay. Maybe all these while unconsciously I still think that I am a great figure who will do well in all circumstances.

Unless I degrade myself to the level where I relearn everything, or else same mistakes will occur again. I have to learn how to learn from others. I have to learn how to be a normal student with a correct 'student' mindset driven for learning and improvements. I have to learn to see others and myself in different light. I have to acknowledge that I am not as great as I thought I was, which is a mark of improper pride and complacency. I have to learn not to overestimate myself and not to underestimate others, be it consciously or subconsciously. I have to admit that I am just the same as the rest. All these frames of mind resulted from the extended period of 'invincibility' in secondary school and also a bad mindset on my part.

While I attempt to change mindset, I have to note the way I study as well. Given this change in mindset, I have to learn that the way to revise is not just reading once as if I am still godlike. I have to learn to relearn the way to study and the way to live within education. I have to relearn everything on a much modest level.

Lastly, today my brother scored a B for chemistry, compared to my U at the same time last year. This also concludes that he is more serious, diligent and at the same time more intelligent. So, I think it is really time to not concern about his studies anymore, for he can deal with it himself perfectly fine and better than how I did. Besides, given all the things I wrote above, same thing applies - though an older brother, I have no more right to treat him as if he needs my help. I have to learn how to admit that I am weaker than my younger siblings, which I refused to accept as it implies that I failed as a brother. I shall no longer concern myself with his studies, for it is redundant. Besides, I can't even face him with my kind of standard in comparison to his.

Many of my classmates, I think, thought I was overly stressed. Maybe true, maybe false. I can only say that if they worry about me, do stop worrying. Not that I do not need to, but the energy to worry might as well just channel them for something better. If they do not worry about me, then that's good. For there is no point in doing so. I dug my own grave - hence I will deal with it myself, without dirtying others' hands.

Yes, the problems I myself created - I shall deal with them personally myself, and only myself. Even if in the end I failed and thus fall into this bottomless pit, at least only one person falls.

?

2010-03-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

I don't know anymore.

To The Two

2010-02-05T00:34:00.003+08:00

To the siblings who had sort of surpassed me in the last examination,

Congratulations. Your hard work has paid off. We are probably not the best people in the world, but the notion 'best people' is so redundant as to make it seemed unglamorous.

At the same time, I would like to show my apology. The fact that I was outstripped also means that I did not do enough to be the model brother of which by definition I should be. Haha, I do not mind being surpassed, honestly speaking, for I should be proud instead that I have such incredible siblings. However, it also translates to the fact that I did not work hard enough to surpass you two - hence my current state.

So, congratulations, and I am very sorry. May the life journey be a fruitful one.

Mental Torture

2010-01-24T17:05:00.004+08:00

Allow me to assume that the mistakes, the regrets and all the other negative objects my mind can conceive as being in my possession still hold true up to this moment. With this assumption, I shall attempt to put it into another round of scrutiny, hoping for another version of conclusion out of this very same premise.

Someone asked me to give up all these notions and start afresh. By this she means I shall put down all the mistakes that have been haunting me, all the regrets that have been chasing me, and move on. By moving on it also translates to reconciliation with parents, making an effort to mend the broken if not severed bonds. The latter sounds a little hilarious since reconciliation seemed to imply one of us is at fault, while at the moment I do not know who should forgive whom, though I decided that it is easier if I take the blame myself.

It came to my attention that even if I suggest that this idea is extremely difficult to carry out, the difficulty arises purely out of the circumscription of the mind. I was the one imposing that level of difficulty in such a way that it is virtually unattainable because of the weight of the burden placed on my mind when it is caught in such dichotomy between "yes" or "no" to that idea. It is as if I created a imaginary burden such that when the dilemma comes in, decidability is extremely improbable.

At the same time, I suspected that the whole dilemma of starting afresh and status quo(hereafter "The Problem") had some effect on my studies and my life. Some examples can be rather easily conceived. For instance, it is possible that my cynical view of the world can be partly attributed to The Problem, since it is also tainted with cynicism. The time taken at home and in school to think about The Problem also considerably broke the focus and concentration to study. In addition, just by conceiving The Problem in the mind every day surprisingly caused much mental fatigue. Even my conversation with friends or anyone else may be different simply because I carry it around in my mind.

Currently my school work is going to be heavier than usual, with H3 around as well as KI research paper. I can employ my imagination to presuppose what could happen if I continue to be like this throughout the year - I can safely conclude that the ending most likely would not be a good one. I would probably be unable to cope with my studies, unable to foster good relationship with friends and family, eventually fail once more under the backlash of all these problems. My life is conceivably easy to be destroyed if these do happen - and the scale of destruction is definitely much larger, even larger than all the mistakes I have created so far.

The natural response to such predicament is to veer away from the off-tangent track. In short, I must stop this folly once and for all. This pithy statement obeys the notion "easier said than done" - the statement that "I must stop this folly once and for all" is by no means easy to implement. Yet, I do not know whether if I take small steps at a time, I could make it in time or not before the cataclysm occurs. So here is another conclusion derivable from preceding statement: a solid yes or no to start afresh, for if yes, no baby steps because I possess no certitude whether I could make it in time, and if no, I would possibly live towards my own destruction. It is a clear-cut dichotomy.

I once wrote a scenario about a possible "successful life" (refer to December 2009 entry "Script") if I answered "yes" to start afresh. That life somehow is not what I want, though it is quite a good ending to begin with. Maybe I should reconsider it - for it is probably just myself who is too idealistic all these while. I have not extricated myself from the apparent illusion that befuddled me.

At least one thing is clear - I have been living an unhappy life all these while ever since I was trapped in this vortex, of which life is so painful at times even if nothing happens. It is suffocating, admittedly, though the asphyxiation is insufficient to kill. How long do I need to decide? How long do I need to suffer this mental torture?

Critique of Clown Analogy

2010-01-16T14:32:00.002+08:00

Right here, right now, I shall pen down a critique for something I have always taken as more or less a reflection of my own life. At my current state of mind, I see myself being able to write a critique regarding this. Content-wise it may not be critical or rational, nonetheless I will embark upon this writing, hoping for unearthing chinks and crevasses which have remained elusive from my thoughts up to this moment.

Lessons from a Clown

(For my special child)

I know that the past weeks have not been easy. Though you wear a smile on your face, I am able to see through you. The colours around you are faded and dull, as if the problems of the world have sucked the lustre and vitality around you.

I see you...

even though the mask you wear is like a sealed armour,

and as you resist...
the only way I can get through to you is really to start peeling those hardened layers...one by one.
I will continue to do so. Remember...I've told you time and time again...we sometimes have to be cruel to be kind.

I would not deny that during that time, 'the past weeks have not been easy' is true. However, I believe I did not smile as you said, and my colours being faded and dull must mean that there were times the colours were not dim. This assumption is rather bold to begin with, unless you can assert that I was vivacious and sprightly in the past - which I believe you cannot either. If I wore a mask equivalent to sealed armour, to say that you are able to see through me is fallacious. I am not saying that it cannot be so in figurative sense, but if I were really closing myself, whatever you perceive can either be wrong or misled, be it literally or figuratively. And you never considered that possibility. Peeling that armour with the wrong mindset in mind is simply either redundant or incorrect.

Today, I want to tell you something about clowns.

We all know that clowns are supposed to make people happy. Their job is to make others laugh at and with them; to put smiles on faces. They fill children with joy by their silly antics.

But do you really think that it is easy being a clown?

I read somewhere, that in reality, some of the best clowns in the world...are 'the saddest people' in the world. The reason for the irony is that it may really take a person who truly understands what it means to be down and out, to feel so low and disillusioned...that he is able to reach out to another. He is able to empathise, and thinks of the hurt and pain of others.

Then to hide his own sorrows, to puts on the layers of face paint...to mask his true self. He in turn gets some comfort in the thought of making someone else feel good.

Good example you have here. A clown is understandably more successful if he is able to fathom what led to people's sadness and sorrow, thus being the saddest people in the world, they are presumably able to empathize and provide the audience with joy and happiness in return for a tranquility within the clown's soul. Now that you think about it, you are taking it as if the audiences necessarily fell into sorrow in order to watch the clowns' performances. If the audiences are watching the performance for the sake of natural enjoyment and not as a way to erase their sorrows, then the empathy of the clowns does not apply. Instead, the clown's empathy is misplaced - their peace in mind in return to make others happy is not as real, or even it may as well be a fake peace. After all, laughter is not necessarily an expression of liberation from sorrow, but may simply be a natural response to socially-constructed joy, namely by the clowns.

I am not comparing you to a clown...don't worry. But I think you are perceptive enough to know what I mean.

Here's the thing I hope you will really think about as you face your challenges each day.

Life...does not really have to make sense sometimes.
There are things that we cannot understand, and cannot rationalise.
So don't try to understand everything - nothing is purely black and white.

You are assuming that shades of grey are not fathomable. Fair enough. However, it is wrong to assume that if something is currently not at our level of understanding, then we should not attempt to understand it. It may be just true that there are things we cannot rationalize or understand, but it should not hinder us from trying to do so. Life is not about understanding those we can currently understand and ignore and give up things that we cannot - the attempts to know and understand the unfathomable are what provided most of us with purpose to find the answers.

Don't be afraid...

to allow your heart to rule your head at times.
to wear your heart on your sleeve...and let others know how you feel.
When things go right, celebrate and be grateful.
And if things go wrong...live with it..and still be grateful.

Humans indeed may be led by heart and head separately. However, it is more appropriate to have both rule us at the same time. I shall try to reason why. If you lead your heart to rule your head, you may end up being selfish or self-centered because your emotions take precedence. Rationality is not able to solve emotional problems as such, as you have already known. If you let your head to solely rule yourself, you are ignoring social interference and patterns. You are ignoring the impact of society and emotions on your life, while in fact real life is always an intermingling of emotion and rationality. Head over heart is robotic and too cold, heart over head is too molten and fluid to grasp a hold in life.

I know deep within you,

you are resilient, and perservering...
So don't allow yourself to feel disheartened to try to make things better.
There will be days...when you feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Bear it a while, and move on.

Live each day of your life to the fullest...
for your yesterdays will be of meaningful memories; and not of guilt or regrets
and your tomorrows...be the stepping stones to your destiny.

Resilience and perseverance you mentioned are again another assumptions. You definitely do not know whether I am as you said or not - what you merely did was to make those assumptions in light of the fact that I have not given up on some things I did in the past. You are only right insofar as the notions 'resilience' and 'perseverance' are derivable from academic results. I believe you know very well, that obviously they are not derivable from that. My results so far do not reflect my perseverance nor my resilience. Even if I am resilient, it is definitely not in the way you derived it. My yesterdays may not be my meaningful memories, for it is at my discretion whether I perceive them to be so or not. My tomorrows may be my stepping stone to my destiny, but the word 'destiny' may entail a bifurcation; a pathetic ending or a blissful one. I favour the possibility of the former given my current state of mind.

Take time to learn, and discover more about yourself,

for the inner journey is just as important as the outer one.
Make this learning a lifelong journey, for it makes you a better person.

There are so many things I want to tell you...but the most important now is this.
Never for once, think that you are alone...and that you have nobody.
You do...remember that.

My journey to discover myself never ends, and surely I will try to do so whenever possible. Whether it makes me a better person or not, it is not the main concern. Discovery does not necessarily entail positive results. Regarding 'never for once, think that you are alone... and that you have nobody', I think this is not my right to decide. I can only say that it may be alright if I have someone or more with me, but it is alright as well if I have nobody and am alone. Your request for me to remember I am not alone is thus redundant.

I will end this entry with this poem by Walt Whitman.

"Each man and each woman of you I lead
upon a knoll.
My left hand is hooking you around the waist,
My right hand pointing to landscapes of continents
and the public road.
Not I, not any one else can travel the road for you.
You must travel it for yourself."

I will not comment on the poem since I do not know anything regarding literature. Hence this is the end of the critique. The things I wrote may be meaningless, but I think I have tried my best to reveal some chinks if they exist at all.

Extensive Contemplation

2010-01-15T21:12:00.001+08:00

This entry may be rather long, erratic, disjointed. Probably the tiredness and mental stress (not because of my studies) caused me to contemplate longer than usual. These few days a lot came to my mind. I shall attempt to enumerate them here as coherently as possible.

First, I am back to the problem of reconciliation with my parents. Now that my mother is staying here permanently, i.e. I would have to see her everyday. As background information, I have not conversed with her at all up to today. Or rather, a good approximation would be that I have not done so for more than a year. Haha. Short of being called a hypocrite, I, who claimed to decide that all the things happened to me were caused by my own faults, am still ignoring my parents which paradoxically shows that I am not doing what I claimed. I suppose continuing to live like this would only make both sides suffer, yet I am still maintaining this rationally stupid situation. Hahaha. Pathetic.

Second, my studies are rather messy. I have been revising randomly with slow speed, compounded with the laziness to practice questions or tutorials. I realized that I am not in good condition as to do well in my studies if this continues. I noticed that this problem is worse than I estimated from the daily staying back in school to help Si Ding. I offered her help in her studies everyday, yet often when she asked me questions, I could not answer them. The frequency is not rare; it is very very often. Worse still, sometimes I provided her with explanations that I eventually slammed the table for realizing it to be wrong instead. Yesterday it happened. While I intend to continue helping her as far as I can, it came to my mind the qualification, the right to help her. It might be as well that I am just a normal student who just acts as if I am good enough to help others. Maybe I do not have the strength to help in the first place yet I am denying that unconsciously. Sigh.

Next, my H3 programme and physics olympiad training. I obtained H3 mathematics in the end, which is not my first choice. Indeed mathematics is still a subject of my preference, but the fact that I did not get what I want seemed to imply that there are indeed things in this world which you will never obtain no matter what you do. Or, maybe my past mistakes and regrets were the ones which led me to this state. Then there is physics olympiad training in NUS which will commence on 27 January. I was said to be the first one in my school to make it to that stage. However, I find myself being mired in a situation where people are overestimating me - my physics teacher is now speaking as if I know everything, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. And given my lack of mastery in even H2 physics (proven by lots of mistakes in MCQ papers), I really do not like the idea that I am perceived as godlike in physics. I would rather not have that status if it means I am incessantly being overestimated.

My brother's and sister's 'O' Level results proved that they are better than me in almost every aspects - especially my brother who actually surpassed me in technically all aspects. I will explain the dilemma here: for their achievements I am glad they did well, for they have proven themselves what they are capable of. But if this is the case, it seems to subtly imply that I am not good enough as an elder brother - for I could not surpass them and let myself be their role model like most elder brothers do. I have often mentioned anyway that my weaknesses are caused by my own mistakes, and yes - this is the consequence I get: being worse than my siblings. If you were me, would you not fall in this dilemma? Should I prefer being better to provide role model, or should I prefer them outstripping me at the expense of my patheticity?

I think the last thing is regarding someone I know. I hope my interpretation below is not wrong. As far as I can see, we are definitely much closer compared to last year about midyear when I did not even interact to her. After some issues here and there, I am glad we can still be the way we do now. I am comfortable with the current state we are in where we are comfortably close to one another. The problem is that I don't know how she perceives this. I am just afraid she is still thinking that she is my burden and she may be the one pulling me down. After so much things happening, I could only say that I hope she does not feel those burdens anymore. I am not good enough for her, yes, perhaps. I may be just her doom bringer. I may be the one who ends up bringing her all sorts of trouble and pain. But being such a useless person, I still try to help. Maybe... I am just stupid. Forgive me. Just allow me to stay by your side for the time being, giving the help I can provide. It may be limited but hopefully it works.

I think that is all for now.

Vortex of Despair

2010-01-09T00:29:00.001+08:00

I just figured out how difficult it is to change your mindset. Yes, you. It seems while you see me as someone who is extremely stubborn, I come to see you as equally stubborn too. If there is a point regarding this stubbornness that is similar between us, that would be that our stubbornness covers something negative - mine about regrets, revenge, yours pessimism, despair, etc. We are more similar than I thought we were.

Admittedly I cannot change your mindset. But, as I have told you, I am bad at consoling or comforting - so in general I can only give these:

- help in studies, by staying back everyday for you.

- talk to you or stay with you whenever you need me to.

Yes, I know it is pathetic. I still have to admit that I can only give these, though I would say that I wished I could give more - or perhaps everything I can give. All these boiled down to the fact that my care for you has never diminished - or rather, it seemed to escalate over time. hence, I am willing to give you all I have to help you now - regardless of how I am doing. Of course, I am not going to sacrifice my grades.

I will pull you out of your vortex of despair - I know I could not hear your wounds, but at least I wish I could wipe your tears.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

2 Days

2010-01-05T00:29:00.001+08:00

Just two days more. Everything will return back to normal, as you said.

I trust you for that, and I have faith you will be fine. Then I can safely leave you alone, and life goes on as per normal.

Stay happy always.

Inexorable Fate

2010-01-01T18:11:00.001+08:00

Today is another beginning of a year, 2010. Just on a random note, I had had my haircut which is presumably different compared to the usual haircut because of two persons who asked me to cut differently, backed up by some others. Thinking that I could just take it as a way to end 2009, I followed their 'advice' and went on. I will not regret this one since it marks a new beginning.

My JC1 year had passed just like that. My apology for those who dislike me writing 'regrets' in my entries, but unfortunately I must admit that 2009 was not a smooth year, tainted by many mistakes and waste of time. The latter implies more of lack of revision in my studies, hence a rather frequent stumbling in the course of my learning. Next year, with the KI research and H3 mathematics commencing in few weeks time, it could easily overwhelm me in terms of workload. Either I would be struggling to death, or I have to prepare myself for the upcoming challenges.

I have been trying to read some books all these while. Most of them are rather dull and boring since they are not story books, and not too satisfactorily when it comes to the speed of reading and absorption of materials contained within it. I attempted to pick up some words to learn since I have been long lost touch with my vocabulary compilation.

Apropos of the preceding statement, I must say that I failed. Haha. As pathetic as it could seem, I do not have the capacity to recall words that I once understood via dictionary. The verisimilitude of this statement is clearly evident and crystal clear when it comes to writing my entries here. I can see the trend of diminishing complexity and esotericity of word choices in the entries recently written compared to when I first started writing. This declension of language strength, as far as I can see, is primarily due to lack of reading, which is very true.

I could contrast it with the entries written by my brother who has been reading either widely or extensively. Last year I did not do all these readings, and evidently the backlash comes right here, right now. I did mention before that it is impossible to read his entries without reference to a dictionary for it to remain vivid and intelligible. Not only his, but I could not even comprehend properly my old entries which utilized some words and sentence structures I do not use these days. The fact that I could not understand my own entries should serve as a good proof that my language power is declining.

As usual, there is probably no point in regretting. However, given the intensity of the workload this year, most likely I could not improve my English anymore - not with the fact that KI no longer emphasizes language proficiency simply because the candidates are assumed to be proficient in the first place. I took the subject realizing this very fact nonetheless. I foresee some sort of retribution for the things that were left undone in the past to come back at me in the 'A' Levels. Perhaps it does not matter - I deserve it anyway.

For those with very good memory, you may recall that I wrote something on the line that my brother was stronger than me in every way, certainly including the use of language. This entry may give you another way of reasoning which led me to that conclusion. I am not only praising or thinking highly of him when I compare myself with him out of care, but I mentioned those based on what I observe and on the basis that there are discrepancies between how we do things - apparently, for his strength to surpass mine, the things he did were sufficient to fulfill this threshold strength gap. He could widen this gap further with more work, if he needs it.

On another note, I am not writing like this to crush my own self-esteem. What I did was just admitting the mistakes I did for the things left undone, and juxtaposed it with what my brother has done all these while - which gave rise to this gap in strength. Sad to say that I may not be able to be stronger than him anymore - a disappointment which arose from the notion that an older brother should be the example for the younger siblings. With this, I could only say that i am disappointed with myself for not being able to supply them with an example, a model all good older brother should provide. If I can make my siblings stronger academically or whatever, I will - since I cannot do the same for myself.

Fate... hahaha. I would never have thought myself to be in agreement with it, for once. It seems to be an inexorable fate that I would remain as weak as I am now - academically, mentally, emotionally. I may have to accept the fact that I will never become stronger anymore. I may need to admit that I would never reconcile with my parents anymore. I may need to admit that I am just a trash flowing along with the supremacy of time.

Nonetheless, life goes on. If I am really just a trash in every aspect of life, let it be so. I will still live my life according to my principles (which may, just like normal people, change accordingly upon advices etc), for even a trash has its own principles as long as it exists.

Brief

2009-12-25T00:54:00.002+08:00

I see it now. Now it appears to me crystal clear why people opine that predestined paths exist, or rather your future has been determined beforehand.

I have been too naive all these while - not to see it.

Excruciating Dilemma

2009-12-24T13:43:00.003+08:00

My parents are reaching soon, in few hours time. If you have been reading my entries all these while, you should know the ambivalence and mixed feelings surrounding the arrival of the supposedly two persons you would have regarded as the most respectful and caring. The two people who are supposedly counted as the ones giving you everything you possess now.

Even as one of my friends suggested me to reconcile with them because I should be grateful for the complete picture of my family and the happiness that I could obtain, I am still unable to easily let go the past mistakes that led to our currently broken if not superficial relationship. As I mentioned long ago, I have decided that all these are due to my own mistakes and folly. And the worst thing is that I concluded nothing is reversible anymore.

And yes, I think this entry will be as short as this. For a side note, whenever I read my brother's blog, it paradoxically looks like both a very clear mirror and glass. Looking like a crystal clear glass simply because I am able to see what he is thinking assuming that the entries are honest and true - I shall not try to establish the truth since it is redundant. Looking like a very clear mirror because the image conjured the very image of patheticity towards myself. Reading it is like looking back to the past, mocking at my own language proficiency.

Imagine that this brother of mine is pessimistic about his English that he declares he is far from good, yet I cannot understand whatever he counted as 'far from good' unless with the aid of dictionary. Even if he is true, it still means my English is worse. Even a narrative style of his writing cannot be understood without dictionary, how pathetic can it be? My KI grades so far can never convince me that my English is not as bad as I thought it would be.

I myself never concern myself with the past. But I am more concerned about how to bridge that gap. Theoretically speaking, that gap I created is never going to close anymore - it can only widen. I even realized that my entries in the past few months have lost all the rigour and complexity that a person with decent English should have - complexity in sentence structure, correctness of grammar, choices of words, etc. Nonetheless, I could not care more of this. If these mistakes are to have a backlash at me, I will bear with it. After all, I am the one digging my own grave.

Depiction (IV)

2009-12-24T13:03:00.002+08:00

I will come back to this depiction again, since somehow I am slacking again. Cai Di and Xu Jie.

Cai Di

This fellow is quite hard to describe. One of our class' Chinese Scholars, he is by far very good in his studies (theoretically speaking). The problem is, according to him he has been slacking all these while with his computer games etc that he did not perform well in the promotional examinations. He regretted it though, but decided to be serious next year even if it means his scholarship is to be forfeited next year. For this part, I can only say that you have our support! We cannot let anyone die at all in 2010; we cannot afford it.

His accent is somewhat 'unique' - having the tendency to speak as if his voice is floating in the air like cotton. Ah well, this description is definitely funny but I am stumbled upon how to find a more apt depiction. He is more of a kind of person who looks happy every single time we see him - especially when he is with ZhiCheng, ZhangQi and some others. He can be classified as one of the contributors of 'happiness' and laughter in our class.

Skipping something was his forte (hopefully not for next year -.-), like not submitting homework (according to GSC people), skipping PE lessons - this is the best, because interestingly for whatever reason we knew, it once led Ms Choy to ask "Where's CaiDi!? I only saw him 3 times this year!" -.- Haha this is what happens. But ah well, he is not totally out of PE stuffs though. He is quite a pro basketball player - if he is in one team with WeiRong, that's it. No chance to win. Yes, I mean 0% chance.

I just don't get it why I could not write much about him despite interacting with him quite often. Perhaps it is because the people I have been interacting all these years are mostly for studies-related purposes. This means that if I were to have any memories or impressions about them, maybe they won't be anything other than academic stuffs. Ah well, it does not matter. I am used to this kind of life. So, CaiDi's depiction shall stop here.

Xu Jie

This one is also one of our class' Chinese Scholars - a Sports (Badminton) Scholar. As the title suggests, she is extremely adept at badminton to the extent that our school's badminton is considerably strong with her presence. And even more impressively, she has done very well for the promotional examinations except a bit of problems in General Paper. Worry not, you will improve as you go along.

I knew her first from Physics PBL where I did that project with XiangTian, XiuQi and Ashwanee. Second time was when we became teammates for Project Work with EngHong and JiaWei. As far as we have been working together, she is a very diligent student who will never fail to be punctual in any form of submission of work. Her works are also of the highest quality - though admittedly there are some little problems with the language part (that can be easily corrected in PW since we work together along with the teacher). Academic-wise, she is one of those students you would definitely call as "extremely able and assiduous student".

She is again one of the contributors of laughter - especially among the girls, or so I heard. Even in PW she never ceases to be funny, though I think that is the natural state of herself. She is more of the positive type of person who will remain positive even if her English grade is not very good... yet. But given the intelligence and hard work that she has put in all these while, I will bet on her efforts paying off. In promotional examinations she has shown us that, and we have every reason to believe she will succeed one day.

She has to juggle badminton and studies together - a feat that only those who are able to cope would succeed in both, since both are equally harsh. All these while I am actually very impressed with her, since at least from the way I look at it, she can deal with harsh CCA demands and at the same time do well in her studies. Plus the fact that she can actually stay happy as she seems - something that I have never been able to do. There is a possibility that she may face some problems inside which I may not know, but seriously I am deeply impressed.

------

Finally they are done. Next one would probably Nicolette and JiaWei.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

Change

2009-12-19T01:52:00.001+08:00

I wish for a change, of which it is never easy to be done for someone like me. Perhaps this statement is just an evidence of a lack of resolution and lack of effort to try.

However, it would be probably nicer if I could. I would hurt less people and myself. The problem is, I may not have the capacity to change - after all, few have tried and failed. Not even parents could.

I wonder. After all, living a life with only constant wishing - keep crafting short-term wishes to keep myself alive - is not easy either. I may as well crumble one day, but it does not matter. I do not expect anything to be able to go well anymore, though certainly if something goes well, it is not too bad. This way if things go wrong, I would not be too much surprised.

Eternal Sins

2009-12-18T00:48:00.004+08:00

To the one I have just (possibly) hurt in any way,

My deepest apology. This is the best I can offer, since a person who can only commit mistakes cannot be expected to do something correct. Even if the apology itself is by definition correct, the correctness value is worthless because that value only exists after the mistake has been committed, which means the meaning of the correctness is offset by the mistake made.

I still do not get the reason why this time I am the one at fault, the one causing disappointment. Rationally speaking, I do not know why. However, I shall not be surprised since mistakes entail disappointment. Disappointment is something that is familiar to me, so having additional disappointment does not really matter to me. This remark seems so indifferent and nonchalant, or whatever - Since I am imbecilic enough not to be able to distinguish right or wrong, apologizing is the best option; if I am right, the apology is redundant. If I am wrong, the apology is apt.

Humans commit mistakes. Indubitably true enough. However, if those mistakes are committed under the premises that the perpetrator knows those mistakes, is aware of them, understands the consequences, comprehends the alternatives available, is consciously able to rationalize everything revolving around them - yet still commits them, then it is no longer the laws of nature or the laws of imperfection imposed by whatsoever God or Higher Beings which caused the perpetrator to commit them. Full blame goes to the person who commits them. I should be able to declare that all the regrets that have piled up within the crevasses of my soul are all of this type, which is precisely why I see no need and way for forgiveness and reversal.

Still, I would once again give my deepest apology to you, since this person before you is someone who is eternally bound to mistakes, ephemerally bound to forgiveness and illusions.

The Eternal Sinner,

Erickson Tjoa

-------------

If someone out there reads all my entries, or at least some parts of it, they may come across many entries flooded with statements regarding regrets and mistakes. Do take note that this blog was originally intended to be a juxtaposition between pragmatism and dreams, however the two crumbled into mistakes and regrets. Hence it is still apt to continue writing as such.

It is possible that someone else would feel exasperated when he/she comes across them. There are two arguments that these people may bring forth: Firstly, I am already good enough compared to many out there, so I should stop complaining. Secondly, I should not dwell in past mistakes and should move forward - in other words, do not get drown in the sea of regrets and fall into the abyss of eternal mistakes, get up and do something about it since action speaks louder than words.

I would not comment much. They are probably correct. I just want to say that even in this second, I am still committing the same mistakes. For you it may be easy to just say "Just do something and forget all those nonsense! They are useless!" If it is easy for you, go ahead and do it yourself. Do you really think I want to stay in the pool of mistakes and keep committing them? As if. The problem is that my wishes were not very far and impossible to attain; I failed to attain them simply and only because I did not work for them. And as they became unattainable, I have to continue living by crafting new wishes at least to maintain myself with purpose.

Can you live meaningfully or do the things that you think will be beneficial to you? Can you live a life without any single regret or live with a mind fully set for the future? If you can, by all means go ahead. I am not interfering with you. Neither do my life intersect with yours - our lives are mutually exclusive where your success is independent of my life, and my failure is independent of your life. I can only tell you that I am barely as capable as you such that I can live a life where all things said can be actualized as easily as you said. I am not that capable.

In The Rain (II)

2009-12-16T15:18:00.000+08:00

Probably it is a good news that I did not stay in the rain for very long, and the rain is not very heavy either. I simply walked home without an umbrella.

Admittedly that my thoughts are often repetitive. No, perhaps I should say that it has always been repetitive. Almost every single moment what I always think of are all things such as mistakes, regrets, all those that this blog has been mentioning ever since this blog came into existence. I was correct in saying that they do haunt me all the time, everywhere I go.

I do not really have choice, or rather the strength to choose. After all, I mentioned many times that they are irreversible and immutable. Even if they can be overridden, the scars or traces would never fade into the abyss. Their continual and persistent existence would never cease to move away from my sight.

And I suppose yesterday I did another mistake. Yes, as expected from a person who can do nothing but mistakes, I should not be surprised or flabbergasted.

I am now at a loss of words as to what to write hereafter in this entry. All that need to be said have been said in many preceding entries, so unless I am clear of what to jot down, I see no point in extending this piece of entry. I only realized that in the rain, many things came into my reminiscence - the old things that will never disappear even if thunder strikes.

Depiction (III)

2009-12-15T00:58:00.001+08:00

SiDing and BingQuan... Yeah, I think I will not change them. Currently I just came back from school today without studying anything at all. This means that I was pretty bad because it was complete waste of time. Nonetheless, this entry shall be written, as continuation of what I have written.

~~~

BingQuan

Again, I do not remember how I came to know him for the first time, but well, he is someone I think I could describe quite a lot. He is more of a mix of mature-childish person, except that it's different from BaiShuang because she could manipulate and utilize her duality to the best possible drama, while BingQuan is just someone with that natural mix - meaning, yeah, sometimes we see him being childish, sometimes not. More often childish than not, though not in a bad way.

That makes him a rather kind and soft-hearted guy, contrary to his build. In short, you cannot judge him by his cover. I would say he is unique - which unfortunately is inexplicable, but I think the class knows what I mean. He is just... simple, funny, childish, kind intermingling together to form the uniqueness that we could not ascribe to a single word, for that word would be either understatement of his good sides or that word would not be an apt one to describe him rather fully.

As we all know, he is by far very loyal. At least some of us know to whom he is currently loyal to. I could only say that given his personality and hers, their future is unpredictable. Very, very unpredictable, for there are too many things intervening including the nature itself. However, they would find a way out, be it sad or happy one, as long as they do not forget that life goes on even when their time comes to a halt.

We are very unfortunate to lose him as a classmate, for he is going to retain next year. However, we also see the need for him to reshape his foundation so as not to jeopardize his own future. So, we do sincerely hope all the best for him, and also XiangTian who will be repeating JC1 next year. Physically we are not one class, but that's only as far as physical. Same for XiangTian, we are all once a 23-people class called 09S205, and will always be.

One last thing, I wonder whether it is apt to call him a shy guy also? I feel he is a bit tending towards there, but perhaps it is just a figment of my imagination. Nonetheless, that would actually complement the interesting side of his. We do really have interesting people around.

SiDing

Same as BaiShuang and Ashwanee, I knew her for the first time in PBL. Yes, BaiShuang and she were the ones who stayed up together with me online until 3am in the morning just to settle some stuff in PBL which turned out to be rather redundant -.- Ah well, as I said, I cherished that moment because apparently I got to know three persons at once in a unique setting (MSN, 3am).

It was also accompanied by funny jokes and conversations by BaiShuang and herself.

Somehow a fan of Doraemon, apparently she wrote 'This is Doraemon, signing off~" during PBLdiscussion mentioned above. I heard she has the collection of Doraemon too, so I presume her liking is genuine (coupled with an additional collection from happy meal when I studied with her and XiaoWen in Mac). From her personal message in MSN, we could also infer her preference over Singapore singer Lin Jun Jie (in short, JJ), especially since she is frantically waiting for his newest album to come out this Friday -.- Note the word frantic, she can be one.

Personality-wise... I think she is very nice and funny also. If we are around her, then usually it is enjoyable - meaning, until you try. Well, I rarely talked to her last time (until term 3 or 4), somehow. I actually realized that there are few people whom I only started to interact more in term 4 or late term 3, such as BingQuan, SiTing, JiaWei, MaLan and herself. Only when I actually talked and interact then I realized I should interact more in order to understand my class more. Ironically, my plan was to isolate myself from the class and focus on revenge though.

As far as I observe, she is hardworking. Of course she is probably going to shout at me and say "Don't anyhow write eh!"... Ah well, I am only writing things I see, not necessarily the real truth anyway. A couple of times talking to her personally revealed that she is really nice to befriend with, or even to talk to. The reason I used vague words such as 'nice' is because of her uniqueness being also inexplicable, but some of us would understand what I meant. Just for a note, I think you are struggling with your studies (in your view), so I would just offer my best wishes for you. This includes everyone as well, though ZhangQi and XuJie and Nicolette probably do not need my wishes anymore XD

~~~

This entry is not very satisfactory to me. I felt that I could write more about these two, and apparently before I started typing this out, I actually estimated a longer entry. Nonetheless, worry not. This entry is by definition incomplete. Besides, there is a lot more to discover and remember which may not be proper or accurate to jot down. I shall let this be, then.

Script

2009-12-13T15:20:00.001+08:00

Allow me to demonstrate a scenario, just take it as a life-depicting script. This will be a long one, so do not read if you are unable to read circumlocutory entry. A first person narration.

~~~

Rather than confusing myself over all the matters that have been shadowing me all these years, forgetting them all and start afresh is an enticing option.

After all, I regretted that I have not worked hard at all until today, which I assumed to lead me to my secondary school, my current junior college, to carry me to the current standard. I assumed that the lack of hard work was the one which caused my demise in the examination last year, which should be indubitable considering the fact that I did not read anything at all in secondary 2 and 3, even to some extent secondary 4. The assumptions are valid and sound for most people rational enough to see my point.

I used to blame my parents for their lack of sufficient consideration and information garnering before they decided to send me to Singapore. However, it should be my problem instead of theirs; for if I were strong enough, I could have moved school if I did not like the school where I was. I could have gotten my good grades and gone somewhere where I wished to be. In the end, it boiled down to the fact that I am the source of the problem, which indirectly resulted in the broken relationship between son and parents, presumably irreversible and immutable.

However, how about forgetting all these? If I do so, then I could imagine that I would forgo all my past, move on to JC2 with no regret lingering and instead a motivation to correct the situation by means of overriding past mistakes with future rectification. I would then be able to move on with smiles and joy in school, enjoy life with friends where I can naturally smile and be grateful of everything around me. I could focus on all my subjects purely on the basis of interest and not tainted with hatred and revenge. I could live a normal student life free from all worries except during examinations.

I could also reconcile with my parents, saying that let us forgo the past and start anew. Just a simple sentence like that could possibly revert the broken relationship or even consolidate the restarted relationship between son and parents. I could joke with them again, I could smile or laugh with them, I would not make them angry or annoyed again, they would not be frustrated anymore. As for permanent residence problem, I just have to clarify that it is only 2 years in National Service - it will be fast. I could be fit, I could feel military training as first hand experience, I could have new male friends. If I am lucky enough, there will be friends or even special ones who will wait for my return and continue university.

NUS is not that bad either. With permanent residence, I could have substantial subsidy for my study in Singapore. There is physics course or mathematics course. There are friends, be it male in the same year or female friends who are two years ahead of us. I could enjoy life as much as I could think of, even if it is not my original path. I can even continue to prestigious university if I do well. By then, my life could possibly proceed very well.

Then, just like my parents expectation, in primary school I have managed to top the cohort, in secondary school as well. Then, now they expected me to continue in Singapore which they consider to hold better future prospects, what I have to do is to conform and follow - and it may turn out just like that, a good, possibly successful life free from problems and disturbing past. What is left is just a career to earn a living, my other half and settle as a family and live a happy, peaceful life with my future wife and possibly child/children without compromising my own vision. There you have possibly the best life you can ever imagine.

~~~

Alluring, ensorcelling type of script, eh? Undoubtedly yes. I can even feel rather certain that life is going to be much easier without a burden in mind or heart.

Unfortunately, currently for unknown reason I just could not live a life like that, no matter how good or heavenly it is. It seems as if I have developed preference of hell over heaven. In society's term, 'the heart has died'. Perhaps this is the time when my heart is dead, leaving a hollow soul behind. In reality probably this description is a bit exaggerating, but should be apt enough.

Interruption

2009-12-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

I will skip a day for the entry of depicting my friends.

It struck my head that as for today, it has been approximately one year since my 'close' relationship with my parents. Over the same old issues, I still do not reconcile with them, and apparently neither side made any move regarding reconciliation. Ah well, to me it is more of my responsibility to do so, but being an unfilial child, I decided to let things flow, status quo. I feel that they have been making efforts, just like every parent in the world to engage and weave bonds with their children, in this case, myself. However, as far as I can see, I have been ignoring that, or perhaps I am just being insensitive inadvertently or deliberately.

I do not quite believe that things would resolve itself by time. After all, time could heal the hurt souls only when the souls permit time to do so. In my case, I see that I am not as forgiving - perhaps I would prefer things to stay this way, i.e. that the relationship will never be recovered. To most people this may be a twisted mindset leaning towards either insanity or rebellion, however to me it is just a symbolism of irreversible regrets. I do not wish to retrieve back that bond if it still means that nothing is going to change.

Admittedly, to allow time to resolve some of the things may prove to be less stressful and burdening. However, it does not really matter. I would simply bear with the regrets and move on. I would not prefer to attempt to change the world simply because that is what people think are the best form of morality and the best thing to do. It is sufficient that I stay as unfilial son and continue living with regrets that are strictly confined within myself.

After all, for every single mistake created, I would bear with it myself. Even if it means a ruined future. At the very least, I am responsible for my own mistakes and will live along with these mistakes, no matter how favourable the situation would change in future. I am not that optimistic yet to try to change the world.

Depiction (II)

2009-12-10T01:18:00.001+08:00

Very well. Today I shall begin with Ashwanee and Xiu Qi. Before that, it is to be noted that I actually skipped the research attachment in NUS today, because I felt it is going to be wasting time anyway. Nonetheless, I would go there for the last two days as a form of respect to Dr Qi who, to the best of my knowledge, is not in any way the cause of this problematic attachment, and at the same time a form of gratitude for explaining lots of things to us otherwise incomprehensible.

Ashwanee

Again, I could not recall how I came to know her for the very first time. Strange as it seems, perhaps being an appeal student in MJC is the cause of why I don't know how I came to know my classmates for the first time round. It would therefore be wise and efficient to begin from where I have better reminiscence. I think that would be... chemistry PBL.

As I said, my group in this project is Ashwanee, Si Ding, Bai Shuang, Jia Wei and myself. The first time we talked were during MSN discussion and school discussion for this PBL. I recall that she is not the type who uses computer much if at all, so you won't see her online until she is needed for something. I heard that goes for PW as well. Ah well, that probably translates to the fact that she is very efficient and not the type who spends her time in front of monitor which may be considered in a way as wasting time. After all, she is quite a serious person after all.

The last sentence has to be modified slightly as time goes by. Apparently, I would be mistaken if I were to say she is a serious person, full stop. She is in many ways funny and humorous, only to be verified by my own eyes -.- I mean, I joked with her before, or when we talked about Mr Wee (to her Lit teacher, to me KI teacher), yeah, we would either smile or laugh. At least, she is both serious and funny, a good mix and balance of both at the right time. Coupled with Ariel, they are able to lighten the atmosphere even better, though sometimes for me whose English is not very good would have a time lag to get the jokes... sigh. HAHA.

Despite being the only Tamil student, I find it very nice that she is able to mix well with most people, including PW group. Oh well, PW group has Nikki too, the ultimate joker -.- She once said that in the beginning she was just like bouncing around each clique or group, but now I see that she can just mix as well with everyone. This is highly advantageous as this promises cohesion in class; if even different races can mix very well, basically class bonding is something easy to weave. Thanks Ash (=

Nonetheless, I still salute her for her seriousness in her studies and her ability to relax at the right time, with utmost punctuality in her work and the relaxing ambiance that she is able to bring to us. Just like this, and I would easily conclude that I have more to say about her than what is written here, but again, completeness is not my aim. So yeah.

Xiu Qi

I think I know him when we first went into KI lesson. Especially I remember that the first day in KI lesson was when everyone was surprised I got C6 in my English. Regarding KI class, I am glad that they treated me as equal regardless of poor English results, giving me support to survive this subject's demanding difficulty.

At first he was just as a normal guy as the rest, only in the end to find him transforming into a cat, with exponential increase in similarity -.- However, while we treat him more than a cat than a human (exaggerating here, but he seemed to enjoy being called or treated as cat anyway), he does have his interesting side. I mean, he is probably the only cat who knows politics, understands democracy, fathom communism inside out, blah blah that in human's perception cats should not know HAHAHA.

Yeah, I think he is actually a bright kid who just forgot to study all these while, hence not very desirable promotional examination results. Just from the way he thinks and mentions things, I estimated that he is not bad as a student if he actually utilizes his fullest potential. Who knows, perhaps next year he would show us some interesting phenomena, but again that is up to him to decide. And yes, while we know that cats can be clever, you may want to try to be human (again). After all, cats cannot take 'A' Level examinations which are conditioned for humans and not cats -.-

He is sure to laugh here and there, joke here and there in his own ways. Being a cat in the class would sometimes bring laughter and joy to the class, though admittedly in some instances his presence would be annoying instead when the cat-ness turned out to be irritating. however, we do laugh with him. We do enjoy his presence. At least, that's what I see.

I felt today's entry is a bit too brief, hopefully just a feeling. Tomorrow, I may want to try to depict... Si Ding and Bing Quan. Heh.

The Next One

2009-12-09T01:19:00.002+08:00

Nikki and Zhang Qi... as mentioned earlier, will be my characters today. Apart from the fact that I was not enjoying the 'research' attachment, I suppose writing something light could 'appease' myself a little bit. At least you can expect quintessence of disappointment.

Nikki

This Indonesian fellow was the first guy I met in MJC, during orientation when Xiao Wen introduced me to him. Ah well, it is good to have a friend from the same country anyway. I remember from that day until this very minute, he does look like the silent type. be it in class, in lectures, in PE lessons, etc... as a class we almost never see him 'making noises' or something. Note the word 'almost'.

We would call him our guitarist. After all, he was the only one who would bring guitar and play it in class when teacher was not around, or even play in the garden - that was during PW OP week. Recall that we were captivated by his display of skill, especially Zhang Qi who was like "waaah~~~so nice~~~" when he played Canon in D. Haha. Such a cute girl, she is, and such a professional player, he is.

We eventually know his prowess in his sarcastic jokes and the extent of lameness he can make himself to manifest. His style of joking, if you ever heard them, would be probably among the first class. recall when during OP, Bai Shuang and Xiao Wen was discussing something in Chinese, then he asked Xu Jie, "hey, how do you say 'speak English, please' in Chinese...?" then he told us that he is going to do one of the most ironic things in the world. he shouted "请说英文!", loud and clear (certainly meaning 'speak English, please!')... -.-lll If we did not laugh, the statement is a lie.

Being a scholar also showed him some characteristic display of intelligence too, especially mathematics. I am still amazed by the fact that he can still write very neatly during mathematics promotional examination. It is as if he has every time in the world or he is able to stop the time. AH! The ultimate joke came during extra lectures after promo... he went into H1 economics lecture despite being a geography student. Halfway he intended to run away by pretending to go to toilet, but he can't. Then when he came back, he got REAL stomachache -.-

"Are you okay?" Ms Quek asked.

"NO!" He answered.

"Do you want to go home early?" She questioned.

"I CAN??"

"Yes, i think it is better."

Then, he took his bag and left. To our surprise, near the door where the teacher could not see, he clenched his fists in the air in joy -.- We could only laugh.

I have so much more things to describe about this guy, if not infinitely many. Nonetheless, completeness is not my aim, so I shall stop here for account of him.

Zhang Qi

HAHAHA. This fellow is either cute or funny to me, at the very least. I believe I know her when she became chairperson. I think I should begin by saying that this girl... is intellectually sharp, no doubt. She never ceases to amaze me when it comes to school work and how she asked questions. Well, not all her questions are very useful and insightful, but I like her style of doing school work. Neat, clean, quick and good.

I would explain the terminology here 'cute' and 'funny'. Though I believe these two words would be explicated very badly by me -.-

She is cute in some ways like these. Some of you may know that when she was excited or amazed or feeling high (!?), her pitch can involuntarily became very high... it sounded like... er... inexplicable. You know what I mean (Sigh, ZhiCheng, should I cite you here!?) Her face also turns red very easily whenever she is feeling high (I guess). There are some other things to fit this description, but at the moment I cannot recall.

She is funny because of her expressions and 'behaviour' (???). yeah, I can only say that her expressions are those that are... funny, yes. I don't know how to describe it, but it is not a bad thing, worry not. To me, it became so amusing and refreshing whenever I see her around. In Sakae Sushi, when few of us ate there as a class outing, we know she at lots of dumpling since she does not really like sushi. And she was like 'I want dumpling!' few times and we ordered many for her -.- of course, we all ate together, she did not eat that much, though evidently she ate a significant proportion of the dumplings. Haha, that was fascinating too.

So far, I know she is a responsible person, towards her work and other things. This is a good thing, and highly likely that this contributed to her strength academically as well. I would say that for her, I also have more things to describe, but my memory seems to be not cooperative. So, I suppose I shall stop here too.

I think I will continue with Ashwanee and Xiu Qi tomorrow.

Depiction

2009-12-08T01:10:00.001+08:00

Alright. As mentioned yesterday, I intend to continue with the next two people. I think I will have a change in candidature - Si Ting instead of Si Ding, and Zhi Cheng instead of Cai Di.

Zhi Cheng

A guy from Nan Hua High, he is one of our classmates who came all the way from the secondary school in the west. He was the second guy I talked to when I first joined MJC, first being Nikki. To begin with, we could say that he is one of the brightest kid, with incredible flair in mathematics and physics (except with the fact that he's playful and does not memorize stuffs -.-). recently, he displayed his competency in CSE as well, a.k.a China Studies in English, getting the second in level. Well done. HAHA.

We know him very well regarding a lot of things too, from the funny ones to interesting ones. His jokes are not really funny, but the way he brought them up plus his accent would complete the laughter. And yes, imagine his rather funny face, plus his accent and his jokes... the ultimate laughing session can be considered complete. And yes (again), we know him for his famous phrase "you know what I mean...". Heh.

In PW, he was among the funniest guy of all time too. it is inexplicable, but indeed he is part of the class' joy and I am certain he enjoys the class, hopefully. I heard there were some funny stuffs also during GP lessons which I could not witness. Indeed, I never really see him feeling 'unhappy' or down at all, except that he almost always sleeps in at least one lecture per day. It has become his habit, I think, to sleep in school at least in one lesson period.

So much for this brief introduction of Zhi Cheng, I usually interact with him in class and his close friend, Cai Di. Eng hong would probably call them gays (in joking manner), but they are two nice guys after all. as far as I can see it, he and Cai Di form crucial part in shaping the happiness of the class, directly or indirectly. All in all, I cannot explain fully how nice having them around.

Si Ting

This girl is weird to me. I mean, not in any bad connotation, but it seems to me that she is so unpredictable. I don't recall how I came to know her, so to speak, but yeah, she is funny and interesting as far as I observe. Yet, I do not know how to elucidate the previous sentence.

Sometimes I thought she was dirty minded, sometimes I thought she was innocent. It's confusing. Ah well, it is not important. At least you get the idea that she is similar with BaiShuang in terms of duality - Bai Shuang's childish-mature duality and hers is pervert-innocent duality. HAHA. I don't know. I suppose my way of putting it is a bit off.

We know her to be one of the 'pro' in Chinese. After all, taking GSC (General Studies in Chinese) as if the subject is child's play is by no means a joke. An A is very easy to get if not absolutely certain to obtain. As for now, her other subjects are not very good yet, but I foresee improvements along the way. At the very least, we know that she is capable - no, very very capable in GSC which is sufficient to establish the fact that she is damn good in Chinese -.-

People would probably describe her as captivating or sweet or something - I don't know most of the guys' terminology for girls when it comes to all these 'beauty', attractiveness, etc stuffs. I think those descriptions are sufficient, but probably an understatement. I shall leave it to the rest to complete, for this is not my area. I only know that she looks quite different when she ties or unties her hair.

Lastly, as far as I can see, she is quite kind for a person. Well, she is the type that can be readily observable in case of feeling down, sad, etc. She is not very good at hiding her expressions, perhaps. Just a guess on my part. But, her presence is also soothing - I think so far no one would ever be able to say anything bad about her, because we really know nothing bad about her anyway. She is perhaps too good and too strange to be true. Okay, perhaps this is too hyperbolic, but I hope you get the idea (which I think, unfortunately, most likely you won't).

I am done for the two today. When I wrote them down, somehow I have a feeling that I missed a lot of points. Yet, I cannot recall at all what it is that I actually cannot remember. the easiest thing to do is that I would restate the fact that this account is by no means complete. Definitely far from complete. So, I shall move on to the next two. I suppose tomorrow will be... Nikki and Zhang Qi.

Something New

2009-12-06T23:45:00.003+08:00

In order to loosen up up a bit, seeing most people who read (ah well, no one reads anyway) would be either turned off by the tone or the content of the entries so far, I will try something new. It would be a brief descriptive entry, lasting for a few posts. It would be on my classmates, a brief, incomplete account on my part but nonetheless hopefully accurate enough despite its incompleteness.

Who shall I begin with? I think... I will start on two people each entry. This time, I will take... Xiang Tian and Bai Shuang.

Xiang Tian

I do not recall how I came to know him, perhaps just by normal class interaction. Being a national team for wushu, we all know him to be an extremely busy person who juggled his study and wushu, to the extent that he is willing to retain one year for the sake of his wushu. Personally I admire him for his perseverance and determination that transcends the norm of 'studying comes first'. I mean, we all live on different purposes and background, surely there should be no preferred or absolute 'frame of reference' that says studying is the only thing that must come first no matter what? And he chose what he wanted to do, so certainly as his classmate and together with the rest of the class, we support you to the end!

As mentioned, this inevitably led us to our separation. He is not going with us next year in JC2. However, we would always count him as 09S205, though he would have to be in 10S205 as well. After all, our class knows nothing called 'member of 09S205 in terms of proximity' - we know that wherever you are, we are still one.

Come to think of it, he is a guy with a good sense of humor also. We have laughed umpteen times because of him, and we rarely see him in other mood than 'good mood'. Be it that he is deceiving us in terms of feelings, but surely his presence is very comforting. He did face a range of problems, of which I know as well thanks to his openness to me, even if it is only to certain extent. However, I think he is the type who would be able to tackle them quite nicely. Ah well, we are always here to help you if you need! (=

Some even would probably think he is quite charming too. And for those who have not seen his wushu performance, make sure you don't miss it again in future if you get to see, haha!

Bai Shuang

For certain this lady I did not know him via orientation. After all, she only came for the first day and I only came on the last day -.- But it is very very nice to know her. I think I knew her by the name Sarah, but somehow I prefer calling her Bai Shuang. Never mind.

First true encounter was probably PBL. That time... I was with Jia Wei, Si Ding, Ashwanee and her. I remember very well that on one night Bai Shuang, Si Ding and me were online until 3am to finish off the project, accompanied by some funny jokes and conversations led by the two of them. That was fun, indeed. While I was quite antisocial, I came to enjoy the presence of friends and their jokes. She is probably one contributor.

We know her for her acting skills too. She is not in any drama club, but her 'proficiency' in acting is really amusing and funny, yet she displayed skillful use of her beauty and drama skills. We called her the Queen of Drama, and told Zhang Qi that it is unfortunate that she is not in drama club. And yes, she is quite good in school stuffs too. Personally i think she is sharp and good in her work, at the same time is humorous also. She would probably stay happy throughout life if she continues like this haha!

Being a guy, certainly I could not know what her problems are in JC and personal life. However, she is nice to talk with. You would enjoy talking to her together with friends or personally. I enjoyed few chats with her, certainly. Her maturity and childishness indeed are confusing - she can be mature and childish at the same time! That would be her trademark. She would live long, I guess.

~~~~~~

Well, I am done with the two. They are not very long, yes. But if I have another chance to write about them again, I will. I only tried to be accurate and not complete, for completion would require much space and time. Nonetheless, I think writing something like this is quite refreshing. Hopefully I would not need to have the entry "In The Rain(II)", which is likely to be melancholic.

Who's next? I predict I would write about Cai Di and Si Ding, but may subject to change depending on my mood and brain.

Signing off,
Erickson Tjoa

In The Rain (I)

2009-12-05T01:21:00.002+08:00

My very existence here has somewhat become a source of contemplation. Not so much because of the existence itself, but more of the reasons or causalities behind it.

In the rain, somewhat all the things flashed out again. The thoughts about if I were a scholar, if I had done this, I had done that, all came out altogether when I walked through the rain this evening. I shall admit that I committed the fallacy of Hypothesis Contrary to Fact, however the fact that choices determine the course of life to some extent or another is definitely indubitable.

Human minds at least contain these two, namely reason and intuition. This is by no means a strict classification, hence the 'at least'. Reason is easily associated with processing, thinking, contemplating; knowledge of the world and assumptions, as well as beliefs are based on reason, though they are not solely comprised of strictly logic and reasoning. Intuition is associated with guesses, speculations, surmises, feelings. Especially feelings, it is to be noted that intuition includes feelings, but feelings by themselves are not intuition.

Knowledge and understanding are based on assumptions humans take for granted or make through corroborations or verifications. People claim they know some things, they do not know some other things. Lesser number of occasions people question their assumptions as compared to their skepticism towards knowledge of the world. This, in turn, affects decision making. After all, decisions are made based on the knowledge people claimed to know together with all the implicit assumptions they carry forth. When they say 'yes, I know this place is better, and it promises better future', they based this on assumptions that whatever knowledge they obtained regarding that statement is true, be it through acquaintance or correspondence with reality.

Unquestioned implicit assumptions are perilous if the statements are made for other people, not the self who created it. This is simply because responsibility is linked with the transfer of information as such, and this in turn means that if something goes wrong, responsibility is demanded. However, mankind has accustomed themselves in diluting and standardizing implicit assumptions such that no one could be blamed if something goes wrong, and everyone can be commended if something goes well. The standardization and dilution come in many forms, such as social customs, hearsays, persuasions, opinions of people, be it close or unfamiliar to one another. The apparent hazard is easily realized in the form of regrets, pain, mistakes that are always be borne by the recipients, not the 'creator'.

When someone becomes the victim of incompatible assumptions made by other people, he/she (hereafter he) would continue to make mistakes or regret for the choices made under such circumstances. Those people who, in 'normal' sense, are able to pick themselves up, are dubbed 'resilient' or 'positive' by the orthodox society. Consequently, those who cannot do so are termed 'losers', 'pathetic'. Indeed statistically speaking, this does not apply for all, but perhaps this is general enough since society operates through generalizations and assumptions, if not hasty over-generalization.

Even as the consequences of the assumptions and knowledge present themselves right before the very eyes of the people, those who created the assumptions or transferred or utilized them would never admit that this is their fault. After all, the problem can always be attributed to the choice of the recipient, that the decision made by recipients is the determining factor - the argument follows that since you choose to follow, it is at your own expense. The problem lies in the fact that even when the assumptions are made explicit, no one actually mentioned any 'disadvantage or cons' presented by them. As such, 'it is at your expense' should logically be invalid. Also,even if the choice lies with the recipient, the newly indoctrinated assumptions or coaxed information have the ability to restrict the possibility of future path choices. This crucial point is one that is mostly unrecognized, and thus unnoticed due to ignorance - that while assumptions do not narrow the future into one single path, they do restrict the future possible paths.

How about feelings? Feelings are subtler, for usually even in society we live in, there is no standardization. However, there are certain norms which give rise to the uniformity of feelings among humans. My happiness my be logically equivalent to yours, for instance, though the content of the happiness itself is evidently and naturally different. This one, I will not go far, for I have no slightest understanding of its nature nor definition.

In the end, humans are able to reason and feel, but they are all based on subjective interpretation of the world around them, and created standardization in order to simulate uniformity and regularity. this is one trait of what we call 'civilization', where the standards of all things were born. However, one ought to question assumptions though not at every single moment, for the latter would cripple even the most logical and rational person. This is because living a life under unquestioned assumptions, regardless of its truth nor accuracy in depicting the world around us is equivalent to endangering one's future, assuming that this person has a well defined or roughly defined future. The vaunted ideal of humankind that whatever people said are true to certain extent, without rigorous or at least decent verifications, is bound to collapse. If it is not, many futures are going to turn into debased hope.

P.S: I do not see the reason why I write this entry in such tone and content. I do not even know what I exactly write, and what I am driving at. Perhaps, this is because I feel very tired - physically and mentally.

Losing Myself

2009-11-26T00:30:00.002+08:00

I start to lose control over myself.

I am wavering when I am facing my own feelings. I do not know how to suppress them as well as last time.

I am encountering difficulties with keeping myself to continual studying and revision.

I am unable to resolve things with utmost rationality, and let my feelings take over. Disastrous results are to be expected.

I don't even fathom the rationale for writing this entry - this entry might as well be nonexistent in order to convey the intended meaning.

What have gone wrong? What did I do wrong?

Another Contemplation

2009-11-18T23:30:00.003+08:00

I am wondering. Now that I decided to help you, would my failure in helping others replay itself on you? This may look a bit too far-fetched, but while I hope you can do well, I have a fear that my help is either insignificant, useless or even counterproductive.

While I said I will not let you die, both your heart and your future, at the same time I am very much shrouded in fear that I will again commit the crime that I detest the most in my life - speaking without action. In other words, I am afraid that I would end up saying something that does not turn into reality.

You would probably tell me "don't worry too much, you think too far." But seriously, if you were me, trying to help someone while you are unsure your help would actually help or destroy the person, can you feel calm about it?

Before I continue, I must say that I said all these not to mean that I should not help you. I said I will not let you die, and it turns out to be some form of obligation - despite uncertain success rate, it becomes something that I feel I need to do, and something I truly wish to do. I am just depicting the fear arisen from within myself.

It is interesting to note that I could be this 'puzzled' by my own decision. In addition, while I am writing this, I realized that I have been very slow in my work these days, on all subjects. Much slower than the rate of doing work when I was slacking before promo exams. I don't know, these days feel like I am at a loss of myself.

Worry not, I will work things out. I will not veer. And as for you, I will not give up on you. Your wish is my wish, and I will do my best to fulfill it.

Derelict Rumination

2009-11-14T17:54:00.000+08:00

I saw my vocabulary handbook which I created last year, and now it is placed right before my very eyes. It reminded me of myriad of things that happened last year. Before that, I think this is going to be an indefinitely long entry.

For one, it marked the first time I gained a better understanding of any passages I encountered. After all, when I started, more words are under my command and less passages that were incomprehensible. That marked the first time I managed to conquer few comprehension passages that were supposedly insurmountable by me.

It marked the first time I could sustain a B for English. Undoubtedly my English is not good, but I would not deny improvements made. At the very least, I could somehow circumvent C grade. It was the time when I understood words like moor, clatter, sodden, glisten, perch, hoist, epidemic, appease, derision, apprehension, frolic, slighted, depose, frankincense, foreboding, daunting, enigma, baffling, momentous, deft, stupefy, morose, predicament, throng, decorous, ethereal, recalcitrant, repudiate, retrospect, harrowing, paltry, meager, prostrated, riveting, etc.

Most of these are common words to my schoolmates, I believe. At the very least, I think they had helped me along the way all these while.

Indeed, the 'O' Level result for my English showed that they are worthless, or that my effort was futile. And up till now, I could find no way to disprove that. The usefulness remains enigmatic and perplexing, nonetheless I could ascribe my result to my own ineptitude instead of these words' worthiness. I could not elucidate why my effort was futile, but I could corroborate that the effort did provide me with something - better understanding. As I am writing this entry, I recognize that I have forgotten about 90% of these words I memorized, maybe because I am not retentive enough.

Things manifested themselves to show that a lot of my past efforts are either superfluous or meaningless. Yet, I do not subscribe to pragmatism completely. Just because I did badly once does not substantiate that all my efforts have no meaning whatsoever. It may be that I have all the things I need, I am not masterful enough to wield them. It is like an amateur holding Aegis fighting against an expert holding Gungnir; Aegis would be useless without the proficiency of the user in battle.

In the past, my schoolmates perceived my English as somewhat impeccable if not godly, simply on the basis that I could command more words than they could. Or they regarded me as somewhat infallible in English seeing my 'extensive range of vocabulary'. Of course this is not true, because the word 'extensive' is subjective and thus the gauge is not right. But the point is, I think I was under the illusion that my English is indeed worth an A - to be disillusioned later during the result release. Fortunately I could now see what is the real English A1, in my current school - that I was indeed under illusion.

After careful scrutiny of my own strength, at least for now I believe that I am judging using the correct set of apparatus. I fathom why I did badly last time. Yet, I still could not extricate myself from its shackles; I still felt the abandoned responsibility to do well for alma mater. Though imperturbable in the face of failure, regrets never disintegrate. Regrets and responsibility mingling together do not present a good ending. On one hand, the result insinuated my own ineptness as well as lack of responsibility, on the other hand it implied that I am living a life incessantly chained by regrets, incarcerated by fate.

I am one who goes against fate; it may be ludicrous or inconceivable to most, since people may posit that this very statement is part of the thing called 'destiny'. I do not deny the existence, I merely suggested that fate is something that is neither provable nor knowable, thus saying that all things are governed by destiny is just an unsubstantiated claim, while saying otherwise is just a proof of obstinate nature of oneself. Either way, since it is neither provable nor knowable, there is no point in trying to establish any meaning about fate as it is in a way irrefutable, and I see no difference in believing in it or not. Hence I prefer to believe that fate does not control all things, and there are occasions when I will go against its flow, however futile it is.

I do not comprehend myself why I am still entangled to the past, though I can say with greatest certitude that I do not dwell in it. Perhaps these have been embossed in my soul, giving no possibility to be overridden nor supplanted by anything else. I could not even surmise whether this entry sounds plaintive in nature or not. This is probably signs of incipient immunity to feelings. Well, I suppose thinking about this too much would prove to be otiose, but contemplating such matters once in a while hopefully proves to be meaningful.

Just to sum up this supererogatory entry in terms of length, after all these ruminations, a lot of things really are not as simple as they seem to be. Even with regards of this vocabulary book, I could write out all these circumlocutory thoughts. I suppose even this trivial matter can present itself to be extremely muddling and arcane at times, but nonetheless it triggered some thoughts that have long been buried under the ground, to be unearthed again now. Now, it feels not too bad to read it again. Just that this time round, I would still remain stolid and read it without thinking that it was once a futile one.

Juxtaposition of Power

2009-11-12T23:42:00.002+08:00

I have seen you growing up together with me, obviously because we stay under one roof.

And for this same reason, I feel that my judgment of you would be to great extent true, only to be disproved by the truth itself.

Here, I shall carry out a juxtaposition of power, between you and me. This is indeed redundant, but I perceive this contrast as a juncture where I could conclude whether my presence would affect you or not in any way. I believe what I am going to write are accurate, nonetheless allowing room for doubts.

I see you as someone much stronger than me. No emotional or faith-related reasons. This disparity in strength arises due to some fundamental reasons. Firstly, we started off doing things together, yet I am older than you. Strictly from spatio-temporal point of view, you are just like me 1 year back in time. Or we are equal if and only if I am older than you by one year.

I see you as someone capable of unleashing great potential. Your mathematical prowess as I witness so far is no doubt superior whenever compared to when I was your age. Same goes for your physics and especially English. Sad to admit it, but indeed I can see nothing that suggests you are weaker than me.

I do not know how you fared for your 'O' Levels examinations. However, I foresee the day when you shall surpass me in near future. Indeed, in the first place I am not trying to be the strongest person in my school/family, so by right I should be happy that you could surpass me in any way. However, a burden would stay in me when you do so, and this is not your fault.

It is simply because I feel that the responsibility to be the example for both of you has been violated. By being the strongest, I would be able to show how you can follow my paths if you face difficulties or you have someone to turn to if you need one. However, since I foresee that this is not going to be the case, I feel that my 'job' is done. I need not to carry out my duty as a guidance anymore; you can continue on your own from now on especially academically.

To be precise, I need not help you or even more precise that I cannot help you. You have come to the point where I could do nothing simply because you have surpassed me. Just like a teacher who has taught everything to his/her students, nothing else can be taught. I, too, cannot help you anymore. You can be solid on your own.

I know I see no point why I am writing this. I am speculating that perhaps now I am in doubt of my own strength; in a way, I do not understand how I became weak in so many things - is it because of lack of foundation/exposure, or is it my inherent limitation? On the other hand, I do not comprehend how people see me as a strong one - did I do something that show my strength? I wonder. Things now came to me as if I am making wrong choices, to the extent that I could not blame any other than myself. I realized now... how severe a wrong decision, or even indecisiveness can be lethal. There are a lot more things in my head, but I would list one thing that is linked to my own self-doubt.

For one, it is that I wished I were a scholar.

Will be Finally Contentless

2009-11-05T23:39:00.004+08:00

To imaginary friend,

This entry is attributed, dedicated to you. I wish to congratulate you that you have finally resolved your internal turmoil and made your decision today. I thought we would have to meet face to face to come to a conclusion, but it seems we do not need that anymore. And yes, the previous entry, the Contentless Entry, will finally remain contentless.

I have learnt a lot, and I believe you do too. These days have been confusing for us, and for your case undoubtedly a painful one. It saddens me that the pain remained for days, which I believe have been suffocating you beyond imagination. However, today it ended. We ended it, with a happy ending. And when I say happy ending, I do hope it is really happy ending for you.

You have been having question marks all over your head... questioning your own beliefs and thoughts. You fall into contemplation and reflection, incessantly in doubt of your own decision. But worry not, it is over. You obtained the clearest of answers, the most solid of decisions, the utmost peace. And I do hope you really feel grateful for resolving this.

I have been grateful for all the things you said to me. They are honest albeit reckless. However, as today you gained your understanding of your own heart, the recklessness diminished. You are clear of yourself now, much clearer than before. I am grateful that we can return to normal. And I do hope that you feel so too.

Your beliefs have been shaken by external factors... future sights, your studies, and so on. I comprehend that your confusion built up and eventually out of control. Still, it is good to hear that things are again under your control. And I do hope that you can take charge of your feelings even better in future.

I said, "I will not let you die - both your heart and your future". I hope that I am counted as successful in rescuing your heart back from the dark crevasses of your soul. Pertaining your future, I will not permit you to die in that respect. I will also help you as far as I can, to make your wish come true. It has now become my wish - to see your wish come true. After all, I cannot let you die - both your heart and your future.

So, sincerely I hope you would accept the offer to help you. This time round, your wish is my wish. Worry not over me, for I am not worth worrying. Yet, rest assured that I do not imperil my own life for your sake - for I believe it would sadden you too. You told me, after all, that I may hurt others if I am not careful. And I do hope that I do not hurt anyone, including you.

This entry is supposedly longer, I have too many things to say. But let it be short and concise, so that all that remain can be memories, transcendental and sempiternal in nature. We will both remember this day, and from here we move on. I may not be able to help you, I may not be able to grant you your wish, I may not be with you. However, when these are possible, I shall help, I shall make your wish come true, I shall be with you.

I am not someone who can help others well. But it is my very wish to help you, as far as I can. As I said, your wish is my wish. Thank you for these few days, I will endeavour to remember these days forever. I do hope you walk through the time with stronger bonds and happier life from here onwards. You deserve your happiness, and certainly it is my blessing to have you around. Thank you, my deepest gratitude are still too weak to represent how much I owe you. Nonetheless, my deepest gratitude to you. May you lead happier footsteps from now on.

Signing off, and my blessings,

Erickson Tjoa

Contentless Entry

2009-10-31T23:55:00.005+08:00

Originally intended to write something for you, to elucidate and clarify as many thing as I can. But for the time being, I think we do not need the content of this entry yet. Not after what I have seen just now.

Perhaps the content would come later. When the need arises. For now, I have faith in you that I do not need to worry for you too much. You should be able to go on. Be it with or without my presence. Do not get me wrong, I only imply that you are strong. certainly it does not suggest I shall leave you alone.

While I myself, would try my very best, to be whatever help you wish me to be. As long as I am capable of such feat.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

Incomprehensible

2009-10-30T20:40:00.003+08:00

Today, I apologized to JiaWei for complaining about his face and EngHong's face during presentation; to be precise, about their facial expressions when they presented. And I bought him a bottle of green tea as a form of symbolic apology.

That is not the point.

The point is, I seem to lose my sense of rationality. My original self all these years has never been as such. I never try to complain or attempt to change others in whatever they do. Even in the form of suggestions, I will never do so. Today, as I did just that, I seemed to be overdoing it. Yes, I think overdid it.

That is not the whole point either.

I have never been able to give constructive feedback to any friends of mine all my life, except regarding their studies. And that was also not well done due to my personality. And all these while I was pretty comfortable with myself. Alright, enough of rambling. I shall come to the time nearer to the present.

Ever since I entered MJC, it seemed, apparently, that I have changed... considerably. Note the word 'considerably' I shall list as much as I can here.

I have been trying to make more friends. I wonder whether this is what you all call 'positive change'. I don't know, for simply I do not understand why there exists such a tendency. As far as I could reason out, my personality and behaviour as well as way of thinking, way of speaking should put me in a situation such that I would not be able to befriend with anyone, thus I should not intend to do so. Worry not, I do not underestimate myself. I am merely stating the situation that was ought to be happening.

But I know more friends than I thought I would have known. It is unbelievable because I really do not fathom how these work out. Is it because of my studies? I wonder. MJC is not a place where I stand as the top student or something; they could befriend with someone better. Certainly in this entry I am not saying all my friends are realistic to befriend with only those who are good with their studies, but it really puzzled me. Still, matter of friendship is something that I do not understand ever since I got into here.

Next, my attitude towards people has also changed considerably. I talked a lot more than any other years in my life in education system. I laughed a lot more. Perhaps I smiled a lot more, I encouraged people a lot more, I joked a lot more. I changed my facial expressions a lot more to go along with cordial atmosphere in the class. And so are my friends; they can do vice versa to me as well. I wonder, again, how these work out. How could I change so much for no reason? Did they change me, or I change for their sake?

If the latter is true, why? What is it that made me think they are worth for me to change? Have I been trying too hard to change, such that I actually did what I did today to JiaWei and EngHong? As mentioned, I would never suggest anything to people other than their studies. If I really have changed for their sake, have I been pushing myself too far for this purpose? I think I pushed myself too far. I try to change too much.

Yet, should I revert to my original state? I thought I was stronger back then. Perhaps with more responsibility for my own studies, less communication with others, less friends, more focused. But perhaps I was not stronger back then. It is possible that these changes shaped me to be stronger.

I don't understand this.

And yes, one thing that was significantly different - somehow I could not feel happy for my promo results. I do not know why. I should be happy, I thought. yet, I am not.

Chance

2009-10-26T16:48:00.004+08:00

That is the only thing I wish for. That's the only thing I long for. And apparently, until today things seemed to occur in such a way that the occurrences sought to prove to me that there is no such thing called chance, only the inevitable, the immutable.

I do not ask for perfection. I do not ask for stellar results, though they are good or even convenient to have. I do not think I asked too much - after all, the whole life of mine has been lacking opportunities and chances to soar and develop. Until the 'O' Levels last year, I was deprived of chance, completed by the English results.

Even so, I tried to seek new paths on my own. I decided my own subject combination, I decided where I would like to study. I chose a new future for my own - out of all the supposed desperation that accumulated until the 'O' Levels results release. And I succeeded; I got whatever I thought I could get - KI and H3 from the time I entered MJC to the time when the promotional examinations in MJC was out.

However, most likely I have to abandon KI due to lack of people taking. And H3 most likely is not under my control, since the school has mentioned that they would not offer internal H3 if not enough people taking it. I have to lose these two things that I obtained with my own hands - the two things that kept myself alive until today.

Without the two, now I question the reason I am here, in MJC. I question every single rationale I made to come here in the first place. Fate? Haha, I despised this word/ concept. I would oppose strongly the idea that life is predestined.

What I wanted... is just a chance. Just a chance to go against fate. And it seems that this very wish would also be one that shall not be fulfilled.

Decide Once More

2009-10-25T14:22:00.004+08:00

No matter how things turned out to be, what is important is that you make your own decision as far as possible, with whatever alternative presented by your own rationality. It depends on the choice on your choice.

Inasmuch I can say that, admittedly I could not utilize that myself. My life, at least to myself, has been heavy though not entirely doomed or ruined - because either I did not make the supposed choice or I did not carry out the choices made. While space-time has provided every single thing needed for a human being, every single point of time occurs only once. Once that point passes on, new decisions and choices are available, without repetition of the past choices.

Indeed, a lot of things that happened all these while have been tiring and frustrating for some, or even highly discouraging. When it comes to this, however, choices have to be made - regardless of what kind of choice it is, good or bad, better or worse, feasible or improbable; sad or happy ones, pathetic or well-deserved ones. For every single unit of time that passes, a number of choices would be gone forever, and new ones would present themselves to us.

We also realize that 'choice' depends only on three things - time, willingness and suppression. Time eradicates choices at any point of time, at the same time provides new ones. Willingness eliminates choices deemed undesirable, prefers some other available choices. Suppression locks some available options, simplifies difficult ones.

We could not go against the flow of time. That goes against the nature of transmission of information by light. Thus, while choices are being destroyed and replaced by the flow of time, they are nonetheless available - no matter how covariant they are. It is about whether we are able to realize their presence in our spatio-temporal world.

Willingness is probably one of the facets we could tinker the most - though unfortunately many could not see it. We often thought that we have certain wishes, that if they are somehow unattainable due to certain reasons, we label ourselves as doomed or ruined. It is mostly forgotten that those wishes are constructed - thus even when failure steps in, we are probably deprived of the chance of fulfilling past choices, but we are not robbed off our ability to reconstruct wishes. Construction of wishes and starting afresh - they are the inalienable ones. Indeed it is painful for us who have failed to obtain what we longed for, but it is more painful hundredfold when you fail thoroughly because you did not decide new paths after that failure.

In other words, giving up past wishes because they are no longer attainable in a particular way is indeed hurtful - but hundredfold more hurtful if you cannot decide what comes after that failure. What decides the level of pain is the decision made at every point of time. Decision decides every single future decision.

Suppression from parents, external world are often hard to oppose or go against. However, they are not impossible. We might not be able to go against it all the time, but as far as we oculd, we should decide for ourselves. the nature has its own course, but even nature cannot choose the best course of life for us. We do not exert full control over nature, but nature does not exert full control over us either. That is why we possess what we call 'consciousness' and therefore 'willingness'. It is just dependent on our choice again... whether we should let the nature carry us away all the time.

Attaining everything we wished, we longed for is perhaps difficult for most of us if not impossible. However, insofar as choices are concerned, we could change the future. We decided on certain paths, we narrowed them down from the myriad paths available. We should be able to see those myriad choices again - if we are willing to seek them, and decide once more. What we need, really, is another chance for ourselves to decide. We need to decide once more.

Second Half

2009-10-19T00:48:00.002+08:00

As I have mentioned, chemistry would be a rude wake-up call. Indeed it was. Though I am now still the same person without any change in determination and focus, but I realized, at the very least, that I did not do my best. I have wasted too much of my time and as such I seemed to have forgotten what I was supposed to do, things that I thought I set up at the beginning of the year when the 'O' Level results were out.

Even after all these, I would not dare to say that I could change myself in the next 1 year and turn everything under my own control. In the first place, I should be able to realize that I have my own inherent limitations of which these were created by my own weakness and lack of determination and focus. These accumulated and eventually showed to be significantly sufficient to hold me down. Whatever this weakness can take form of: lack of reading, comprehension, assiduity, attitude, etc. eventually I could trace no other source other than myself and my own exacerbated ineptitude.

That is exactly why... It would not be surprising if I am trapped in the notorious cycle of 'ephemeral wishes, sempiternal regrets'. This cycle originated from my own folly and exacerbated by my own ineptitude. The next step I take would probably still lay within this vortex, which would render everything meaningless.

However, there is one thing all of us share in common. We could not look back and we could not turn back.

First Half

2009-10-12T18:34:00.003+08:00

Literally means the first half of the returning of scripts of promotional examinations.

As far as I realize, there are indeed things I think I could be 'happy' of, in the sense of improvement over midyears. In particular, my H1 Economics. Not much of an improvement, but as for now I can keep myself contented with a B.

As for H2 Chemistry, it is a rude wake-up call. I know what the outcome roughly is. The problem is, wake-up call for what purpose?

It is because by being such a call, it means I have missed out something I should have done or I should have possessed in this examinations. Seriousness, focus, interest? Or is it due to complacency? Or is it just that I am not good at these?

I shall emphasize that I do not try to open further doubts for my own mind to crush my own self. What I am simply asking, is that whether I have forgotten what I live for. It seems I have totally forgotten, consciously or unconsciously, what my obligations are. The onus is on me, and yet they are not done.

H2 KI would probably end up the same as chemistry. I have long known I am unable to compete with the rest because of total loss on grounds. They have solid foundations while I am standing on the mud. However, that is not strong enough of an excuse. If I were serious and hardworking enough, I should have been able to perform better despite not being able to grab an A. At least a B would have been plausible and conceivable. It seems I really have to go through the regret cycle once more.

I could not bring myself to think about H2 Physics and Mathematics for now. There is no point.

H3 Physics which I have been trying to obtain... perhaps I have to let go. What right do I have, in the first place? Or is it that I am too thick-skinned as to think myself as being so capable of doing such feat?

Seriously, I am not depressed or confused. I am just trapped in a vortex of reflection and contemplation about what is it that I have forgotten to comply when I first stepped into this system. I realized that indeed I could never be happy of myself in every way - high expectation? Nothing of the sort. It is the very proof of ineptitude and weakness, which constitute the regrets I have always carried along.

Moon's Eye

2009-10-09T10:50:00.003+08:00

Next week determines the cycle. However, I comprehend that this is not a juxtaposition between dream and pragmatism. It is the clash between wish, obligation and hatred.

Either way, it is my obligation to continue.

Apology

2009-10-09T00:55:00.003+08:00

Now I partially understand the reason behind last year's apology.

Regardless of the extent of help given, no one would wish that the help does not work or works but still insufficient for certain purposes.

I think I did provide some a tiny bit of help in their studies. No matter how insignificant, how small it is, I do not wish the aid goes in vain. It may be that I am not contributing at all, or perhaps I am not good at helping/tutoring/assisting, but still I hope it works.

It is not because I do not want my own effort to go wasted. It is because by the time I render some help, no matter how little it seems, I become a contributing factor to their results - or, I would have certain impact on their results. This impact can be both good or bad, simply put, i.e. they may not improve or even they get worse when they ask me for help, or hopefully they improve.

Conversely, if their results are shown to be problematic, I think I would be responsible for it as well. After all, education, examinations are sort of social events. There are too many variables to isolate the cause of a failing grade or poor results, albeit there are significant cause-effect relationship. Which means, as I help them, I may be the one causing their downfall, no matter how unlikely it seems to be. I may be thinking too much, but I believe this is one possibility, a plausible one.

All these while I have been helping quite a few in their studies, be it from my school or outside. On one side I have a fear of them not doing well (touch wood), because I may be the one who contributed to this failure, or that I feel responsible for being inept at helping people to get what they want. I fathom fully I am not perfect - certainly I could not grant wish like nobody's business, but I could not stand the ineptitude in granting people the wish to do well when they asked for help. Sigh.

It is strange indeed. When teachers gather to witness every batch's result in major examinations, aren't they subjected to the same responsibility? They are held accountable, and worse still because they are seen as direct agent of education. Even if they are not, they would still be the ones deemed responsible, aren't they?

Now this is precisely what I feel. I hope I do not have to face this kind of guilt anymore.

Eternal Cycle

2009-09-30T13:26:00.001+08:00

The cycle has started.

The Last Step

2009-09-29T18:46:00.002+08:00

Which shall determine whether my regrets can be overridden if not covered.

It is very simple of a dichotomy.

If I fail, it merely means that I am repeating every single mistake I did in the past.

If I succeed, it merely means that I am giving myself a temporary relief.

This last step would consummate either my folly or my strength. Law of Excluded Middle applies.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

Between Revenge and Weakness

2009-09-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Which one shall prevail?

Currently, I feel that I have lost all my foothold. This is not a despair, neither is this a form of giving up hope.

I sought revenge for my weaknesses, now I see myself having the latter crushing the former.

I sought strength to fulfill my wishes and obligations, now I see myself having the latter being vanquished by the exact opposite of the former.

While I still attempt to retain every single wish that I currently have, it seems I have to let them go again. It is strikingly similar to last year.

I do not rely on flicker of hope, neither do I believe in miracles, and I do not hope for one.

I am just wondering, how could I be so weak and imbecilic as to allow all these to happen.

For those who have believed in me, I am sorry that I have magnified the possibility that what I do is all but talking.

These People - New Pact

2009-09-17T00:56:00.003+08:00

I would have never dreamt of being with these people, no matter how conceivable this possibility is.

Everyday after school, I am staying back for revision - by this I include both fruitful revision as well as non-focused ones - with a 'cat', a rationalist-pragmatist semi-perverted, a sweet couple and a at-times hilarious shuttler. Now that I imagine myself being one year in the past, I could never conceive being with these people.

Yet another groups of these people in the class are equally, if not more, unique. Two of them have a very original way of circumventing 'something' with what they coined as 'reasonable study leave', or 'reasonable self-study'. One is a wushu professional who called himself 'nobody' in his shirt and msn. Another is the ultimate sarcastic guitarist who can adeptly play with words semantically such that the sarcasm is never going to impale. Many more interesting guys around.

There are few others still - a drama queen unimaginably proficient with acting, as if acting is natural talent. Another is someone who looked similar with the queen from the back especially when their hair was let down, with intimidating fluorescent eyes if she ever uses it to her advantage. Another panda-cat-kangaroo-(or even) doraemon-like person, with her paws readily scratch the table whenever questions struck her head. Some others with more or less worth mentioning for their 'seraphic smiles' and their cheery lives. Also there are two literature students whom I can have some verbal twists - simple yet interesting. Many more, if I have not mentioned them up as well.

While those accounts are not complete - far from detailed - they are sufficient as to allow me to see that I could never come up or conceive the fact that I am in such group, with such people.

The interesting fact is also that I think I have changed in one way or another, especially after I am with these people. This includes changes in perception, mindset, vision, horizons, concepts, whatever it is. And somehow I feel stronger obligation to 'serve' this class; by this I mean I feel inclined to do my best for the class in whatever way possible.

This, therefore, includes results. It is as if I have signed a new pact with 09S205. That I shall do my best for the results, however improbable it is. It may be perceived to pull up MSG, to put the class on the list of the tops, whatever it may be. Should I not able to accomplish such a feat, i.e. I 'die' along with the examinations, I shall 'die' along with the examinations in reasonably aesthetic manner. I am not saying I am capable of pulling the results up, but I do know that by far I see myself being unable to contribute to the class in any other way. In other words, if I have no contribution in terms of academic results, I practically contribute nothing.

This entry is not supposed to exist, after what I wrote in previous entry. Yet due to some unknown reason, I am compelled to jot down all these. Messy, disorganised, illogical as they seem, I know why I wished to write this more or less.

I know I have changed. And these people are the ones who initiated, resulted, changed me.

Conclusive Extremes

2009-09-13T00:51:00.006+08:00

This shall be the last entry until the promotional examinations end in October.

To you who have defined your contradictions in sort of hermetically sealed manner, I shall throw no more stone. Just to elaborate a bit more, I shall not question how you would and should behave or how you should do your work, pursue your dreams. I shall not inquire how you came to your version of resolution which hitherto seemed to me an extremist kind of resolution. And I shall not, as well, posit to you what ought to be the best, or better course of life. In short, I shall not challenge or even enquire any of your beliefs, concepts, even if they present themselves to me as detriments.

Furthermore, rather that I should not or I would not, it should be that I could not.

Your seemingly extreme measure to keep yourself at the right track, your steps to ensure you are not sidetracked, are all not new to me. They are, to the best of my knowledge, my own concepts and beliefs once. Now, I have to admit that I am not resolute enough as to carry out those concepts. I once told myself of revenge. But now I comprehend that even for this singular aim, I am powerless. I realised that up to now, none of the things I once sought to obtain or put an end to is properly done. That is the very sign of my own ineptitude, or so I interpret.

Now that as I am typing this entry, I am thinking of how I have come to my current self. Once stayed in Indonesia, now I am a foreign student studying in other country. Followed by series of folly and indolence, I reached a point where I could not admit to myself anything but mistakes, regrets and ineptness in my academic years. The somewhat prevalent cliches "never give up", "you can change your life" are resounding yet to my ears are none other than mundane, despicable propositions. It is not that I do not believe in them, it is just that I disproved them with my own hands.

If I were to give up everything - friends, families, siblings, relationships, heart, respect, whatever virtue a man could possess - I do not mind, strictly speaking. For the sake of my studies, I once vowed to give up all those. Admittedly, the current friends I have now are making this demanding task rather impossible, for they engraved marks in my life. Yet, I see no harm as well, if I were able to give up everything for the pursuit of studies. In other words, if I were able to do so, and should I be required to do so, I shall do so. Further, I see no difficulty in forgoing family, siblings, relationships, respect, etc should the need arise.

As such, you can see that my idea is nowhere different from yours. It is just that I do not explicitly carry it out.

Consider this example. I am not very close to anyone whom hitherto I know. This can be ascribed to two simple, simplified reasons. Firstly, I am not good at conversing and knotting relationships of any kind. Secondly, I avoid having that close of a relationship, for I know it may be another source of my weakness. This is indeed a bold claim, but I am cynical enough to take it as true. Deep inside I know this stand is wrong and discriminatory to those who have been great friends to me all these while, however I perceive myself to come to a point such that I wish my existence has no impact on others - my presence should not affect anyone in any way, neither should their presence affect me in similar manner.

The paragraph above admittedly makes no sense, but I can convey it once more; I have my extreme view, that my existence should not affect everyone around, and their existence should not affect me in any way. My mistakes, regrets, weaknesses should not disrupt the life around me, and so allow me to bear all mistakes on my own, without sharing, like how a society would do. I wish that my life is a detached one - of which its existence shall present no difference whatsoever to the world I live in, of which whatever linked to me, shall not be linked to anyone else. This is my extreme view.

Whether in the end, I carry them out, is another question altogether. I may have to come to that, such that all the things in the world are forgone but studies. For my case, I see myself as having given up every virtue that I thought I could have and should have.Whatever the outcome of my life at every juncture would be, I shall accept it as such, for they are due to my own ontological existence. They are due to myself.

I shall emphasize it once more - I shall throw no more stone. And if you wish to see how life can be proceeded in alternative ways compared to yours, see how our class goes on. See how each and every one of our classmates goes on with their lives. See how I carry out my own twisted life. See it with your own eyes, and make the necessary judgments on your own.

For in the end, your judgment is all that matters, or so you believe.

Resolution and Pragmatic Illusionism

2009-09-11T00:39:00.004+08:00

Currently there is one person whom I suppose the word 'resolute' would fit her best, at least, to the extent of her modes of thinking. Here I shall deconstruct what she means by resolution, which she set forth as a principle in life of which its implicit meaning is notably esoteric, if not Delphic to decipher. Do note that whatever posited here is a form of deconstruction if not a personal opinion, henceforth no absolute meaning is suggested.

Resolution is at the very least not equivalent, yet exceedingly often mistaken, to these three things.

Resolution is not equal to the use of time more than one should be. As such, it is not sensible and wise to cut down sleeping time for the sake of productivity and revisions. Revisions under such condition yield illusory results. Productivity under such circumstances is all but hallucination. Here I do not suggest a comfortable 8-hour sleep, however reducing it to mere 'taking a break' compromises the original intention of the revision itself. Resolution is, therefore, not an unwise extension of time usage to fulfil certain activity at the expense of bodily health.

Resolution is not equal to ignorance, neglection and tergiversation. In the course of studying, resolution does not imply setting aside everything but revisions and examinations. If that is the case, then being a private candidate is no different from being a school candidate, as far as I can see it. Resolution does not insinuate neglection of everything but results - despite the unfortunate yet pragmatic reasoning that results nowadays are all that matter. Resolution is not necessarily representation of elusiveness - to avoid certain hurtful experiences replaying in your mind or whatever you are trying to elude, resolution is not the excuse; Resolution is merely a coincidental occurrence which - as the name suggests - coincides with evasion, thus they seem to cover one another. Resolution is, therefore, not a methodology to suppress or obliterate any form of emotions that you deem unnecessary.

Resolution is not equal to justifications for cowardice, optimism and pragmatism. The so-called cowardice, as you define it, is just another form of evasion, which is also a definition of your own. Being resolute does not take you away from cowardice, neither is it usable to 'compensate' your cowardice. Optimism is an overlapping domain with resolution; an optimistic person is almost necessarily resolute, but a resolute person is not necessarily optimistic. One point here is that your optimism, whenever possible, should not be crafted as you indoctrinate yourself with resolution; Rather, your optimism should arise such that it gives rise to your resolution - at least this interpretation would make your optimism and resolution more naturalistic rather than a forced, indoctrinated one. Lastly, pragmatism, despite being a more or less a virtue to uphold, is in many ways against resolution. Resolution tends to more unrealistic realms while pragmatism tends otherwise. These two are but ideal states of mind; a concept. As such, proceed with both concepts in mind with care - for in an inexplicable way, they may be antithesis to one another.

I could not say too much. I am still too far to help people think how to live better, for I myself pondered whether I have the right to do so - in many ways, I perceive my life to be unsatisfactory for mostly my own mistakes or personal reasons. This entry is due to the fact that I am compelled to lay down how my interpretation, based on subjective cynical views of life, of what resolution really is. It is unfortunate that I could not allay my own problems in life as I proceed day by day, however whenever I conceive it as possible, I would try it for my own.

Resolution -- is perhaps pragmatic illusionism, for whatever it may mean.

The Meaning of Desire

2009-09-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

This week again I find myself in school despite the week being the official term 3 vacation. Certainly I do not expect myself to see hollow college considering how the promotional examinations are nearing to each and every single Meridians - that the simplest assumption to be made is that I should be able to see some, of not many, of the students staying back in school to revise or consult their respective subject tutors.

I am here as well, every single weekday, together with some of my classmates.

Again, my original intention was to help them in their studies. It is fortunate that they are much better than I thought, such that they do not require much help. Or else, it may possibly be quite a challenge to juggle my studies with helping them. Yet, all being said, I found myself losing focus all the time, ended up revising in unsatisfactory manner. Put it short, the revision I have done are not good- if not completely useless.

Since it came into the centre of my rumination, I tried to consider it once more. Is it because of lack of desire, drive to go forward and do well? Either way, why?

I wish it is not my cynical views and thinking processes that have turned me into someone who is blinded and deprived of desire to attain something in life. Yet, even if I assume this premise to be true, it surprisingly does not sound anywhere bizarre. Recently I have even fixed quite solidly where I intend to go, and what kind of decision-making I am supposed to involve. Yet, even as this was done, I am still not able to focus to obtain that particular 'aim', if not ambition, desire as you call it.

Desire. It is a wish, that is all. Yet, it is supposed to drive a person to go for it, for no desire entails no wish and action, i.e. daydreaming. I have crafted for myself a desire - a wish that I decidedly chose to be something I have to obtain, no matter what. Yet, I am still not impelled, compelled to go for it in the most satisfactory and focused manner. Even as now, I found myself before my very eyes all my economics notes and practices, technically unscathed. Yet, I have no strong inclination whatsoever to finish them off even as I know the grave situation I am in while facing the promotional examinations.

Maybe all this sum up to these. Probably I am still dwelling in the past, clinging hard to my mistakes and regrets, which in turn impeded me from moving forward, as people would call it. Perhaps the wishes I have are either unrealistic, too simplistic, or whatever it is such that I am not inclined to pursue it at all cost. Or probably it is just that my body could not take all these tasks on hand, giving up would be the easiest thing to do.

Whichever it is, I know I am unhappy. Not so much like a philosophy-desperate person who desires the meaning of life and worldly joy. This unhappiness, in my own oversimplifying words, is derived from my own deplorable inconsistencies. And this is one part why I feel acrimonious towards myself. More to mention, but I do not think I could posit some more at the moment. Let the day pass by as such.

Two Pronged Essay II

2009-08-30T01:48:00.002+08:00

Part II

I still could not, admittedly, settle down to focus and revise well. It is only 30 days left before the promotional examinations commence. If I were to follow my current plan of taking H3 next year, I am not supposed to be slacking or backing down like this. H3 is at stake; Either I do not get it, or else I better catch up as fast as possible.

I have tried some ways to complement that. I stay back in school until 8.30 pm every weekdays, either to help my friends or to study for myself. If I did the former, I hope it helps. For the latter, I hope it is effective for myself. I do not understand why I push myself to sleeping late and revising late, though the only reason I can think of now is that I am too slack, still. This is of course unsubstantiated claim, but I can find no other reason as for now. That is precisely why the incomprehensible side of my thought processes arise.

Sooner or later, I have to find a way to compensate every time lost due to not revising. If I manage to do so, perhaps this promotional examinations may show some promising results. If I do not manage to do so, on the other hand, I have to the ultimately accept my overall weakness, complacency and laziness. That's all there is to it.

Two Pronged Essay I

2009-08-30T00:59:00.002+08:00

This piece is two-pronged, of which one is in response of a recent reading I have done (which I shall denote as Part I).

Part I

I see that you have decided to draw the line. I am fine with it, in the sense that dragging more people into solving or even sharing the burden of my problem is either not helping the situation or making me guilty for making people around confused and troubled by my presence. Or perhaps this is the better course of decision.

On the other hand, I presume you comprehend that I shall not seek further forgiveness from and for myself. This is the essence of my previous entry - being ineluctably illogical and incomprehensible is a form of withdrawal from the search for forgiveness for my mistakes that were done in the past solely by myself. In other words, I perceive my mistakes as permanent instead of spatio-temporal regrets that are not to be overcome nor overridden, but to be understood, deconstructed and brought along as I live every day.

This conception is indeed strange if not idiosyncratic - illogical if not impossible. However, I could not help but to live this way, with this in mind - perhaps until I change my perception one day. Until then, living each day without happiness or meaning would be to no surprise; living each day with intention solely to avenge my previous result is indubitable though the success is in itself dubious; and my being as who, how I am now is arcane enough to both people around and myself.

And lastly, I want you for the last time to understand (again) that the mistake I did is in no way your fault, even partly. You are contributing nothing to the mistake - i.e. you are not the cause of it, not even the infinitesimal fraction of it. And precisely because of this, I do not seek forgiveness for myself - and I wish I do not make any more people apologizing to me for the results I got. I should and must be the one who bear the full responsibility for it.

From here, I hope you do not hold any responsibility over what I did in the past anymore. For in the first place, you have done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing in the strictest sense.

Illogical, Incomprehensible, Ineluctable

2009-08-22T01:43:00.003+08:00

These few days I have been trying to study more than I usually do; staying back after school until 8pm. At home, I continued with revision or work until about 12-1am. Lately, I could not even survive that long; I fell asleep many times at about 10pm, just to find myself up at 2.30pm, realising I fell asleep. Compensation comes in form of revising at around 4am until 6.30am, before leaving to school.

A combination of sleep deprivation and study time stretching, without guarantee of quality of revision is one of the worst decision--or rather choice that I made recently. It presents itself to be illogical, incomprehensible, yet ineluctable preference of lifestyle.

Illogical--People would easily identify that the combination as such can kill, or at least deleterious. Sleep deprivation compromises mental health and concentration. Studying without time management, nor with guaranteed solid focus also sacrifices efficiency or even utility of the effort itself. Yet, I do it while this is exactly illogical even to myself.

Incomprehensible--my friend once asked me why I should go to this length as to 'compensate' whatever loss of studying time I have incurred to myself. I told her:"I have to, though this is indeed unfathomable." yes, I do not fully understand it myself. The essence of incomprehensibility in this context is both true and arcane, for this does not look anywhere like a rational choice.

Ineluctable--this is the final part: how I eventually flatten my stand by the statement that this step, decision, choice of mine is eventually ineluctable. I have come to see that I am in no place to suggest that this is an avoidable rationale.

Three into one, I kept saying that I should not commit that mistake again. At this juncture, undoubtedly it is a bit, or even significantly too late. However, it does not matter. I have done all these--illogical, incomprehensible yet ineluctable choice to continue studying, revising as intensive as possible, with some sacrifices if necessary; health is no exception. I comprehend fully that I may eventually collapse; I may eventually be doing something futile or inefficient; I may be doing the unnecessary. However, all these are not comparable to that particular mistake. That mistake cannot be overridden. Thus this lends itself to the notion that actually this choice itself is paradoxically illogical. Yet, it shall still be done, for things unable to be overridden can only be appended--and by this I mean that as long as I can go through this life while trying to either compensate or minimise whatever regrets I may eventually have, that is perhaps enough.

Perhaps, yes, that is enough.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

Rambling for Once

2009-08-18T00:39:00.002+08:00

I am back, for once.

The midyear examinations have passed. People told me that I fared well for this one, though I would hardly think the same. After all, if having C and E is equated with good results, what does straight A represent, then?

Anyway, back to the main discourse. It has been half a year in JC curriculum. I could certainly convince myself that I like the life and subjects offered in JC, though admittedly things are not as easy. Project Work is demanding and time-consuming, yet I am still trying to cope with it. Physics is getting tough, and I could not be complacent about my Physics result in MYE. Chemistry is getting fun, but I still could not fully tackle the tests and examinations. Mathematics are becoming more arid to me, though I still strive to keep myself at A and B grade. KI is as taxing as usual, but nonetheless I still enjoy the subject very much--lots of reading to catch up though.

A lot of ramblings in my head still, just as ever. Reading KI yesterday about What History Is by E.H. Carr gave me a new insight on the topic which was previously a foreign topic to me. Same goes for the a snippet of work by Professor Alun Munslow on the same topic. That History, one way to interpret it, is nothing but a form of fabrication in narrative form--here fabrication refers to creation of meaning. The argument goes that history which is only a compilation of facts is meaningless; it takes an interpreter to bestow it with meaning, or that the facts contain many truths dependent on the interpretation.

It also takes historians to preselect materials of facts as sources according to his own bias and 'rational' analysis, then provide it with his own interpretation and establish links within occurrences. Thus history is necessarily 'biased' in a sense, or conversely history is nowhere objective. The latter, though, may not fully be dismissed with the presence of consensus within historian community. As such, now we are at a point where we can question how historical knowledge can be anywhere reliable, since it is formed essentially by human minds--which in strictly objective sense, human minds should be excluded as far as possible, just as pristine as mathematics is.

Hehs. I don't know where I am going. Better rest now.

Signing off,

Erickson Tjoa

The 4-Year Gap

2009-06-19T00:36:00.003+08:00

It is simply observable that I could hardly update this blog, or with decreasing frequency. Probably due to lack of ideas, things to jot down or perhaps due to time constraint. Nonetheless, let's see what I can write today.

Currently I am in the middle of term 2 holiday, which is going to end in more or less 10 days time. The first and second week were practically wasted in the sense that no book or note was touched. This week, the third week, I started to go to Tampines Library with some of my classmates to study, on average from 10am to 6pm. Quite conducive and fruitful, with sometimes concentration broke here and there.

I have never given up reflections, reasoning and contemplation. Even at such times when time constraint is an issue, I always reserved the time -anywhere- to think, randomly or systematically, about anything. Recently I heard of my friends graduating from SMA (JC-equivalent), and there is even one who is coming to NTU this Augus--with a scholarship to do Physics and Applied Physics. He was none other than the person whom I had never beaten but once when I was still studying in Jakarta.

With that, if I were to continue to NTU, he would be 4 years ahead of me. In other words, if I start as a first-year student, he will start with his 5th year. Hahaha. I am in different space-time from him, though we started in Jakarta from the same class some 4 years ago.

I wondered, though, why I would care so much about the time difference. People would probably say that what matters is who is successful, difference in time does not matter at all. Now, this argument is simply overturned by the fact that being in Singapore earlier does not guarantee me being more successful than he is, as an example. In addition, being later by that 4 years does not give me anything--I gain nothing in being slower, which probably can be said as being equivalent to wasting 4 years of life.

Parents once said if I study well in Singapore, I can get scholarship and eventually my future is secured. Absolutely nothing to be worried about, and absolutely simple-minded; or maybe too simple for adults' minds. I shall stress it here: Firstly, neither foreigners nor PRs can get scholarships that easily, due to the interest of the country. Singapore certainly could not afford to give equal share to foreigners and PRs so that the citizen is treated. This is the correct policy, as everyone knows.

Next, it does not mean that if I am not in Singapore, i could not get scholarship and obtain the same effect. I do not have any regret coming to Singapore to study; there are many good things here. But I find myself increasingly disturbed by the fact that I may exist here for the wrong reason and purpose. To my parents, as you can see, that friend of mine has gotten his scholarship and studied here. I shall see if you still have anything to say that he is still at more disadvantage than me.

I am not comparing myself with others in particular. Neither am I despising the time difference of 4 years I am experiencing. The questions remain: why is the 4 years difference exist? During this 4 years, what is it that I do? What do these 4 years represent? Because if there is no answer to any of them, it means this 4 years is simply a total waste of time, with nothing gained from this long period.

I, too, realised that I may not have the right to complain all these, for I may not be unfortunate enough. However, currently I could not fathom. That is why, for now, I only have one purpose here. I need to verify what went wrong in 'O' levels using my 'A' levels. I called it revenge. It shall be done even at the expense of everything I have. At the same time, I seem to have lost interest with jobs and future lifestyles. Thus, I decided that all my life I would continue studying. A job as university lecturer while pursuing PhD and continue all the way, is probably the best to lead this remaining life of mine.

I looked like I am giving up on life. Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Either way, I shall continue living this way, for given my thinking capacity, I could not think of better way to lead this life, be it happily or not.

Minor Contemplation

2009-05-28T13:25:00.002+08:00

It has become increasingly difficult for myself to find time to write entries these days. Nevertheless, I will continue writing whenever I could do so.

These few days have been tiring one, especially for an inefficient person like me. Unless I could do my work in faster and and more efficient manner, or else I would always end up burning midnight candles every night. Until now I could still withstand the exhaustion of staying up late, but by right I should not be able to keep going on like this for the rest of my JC life.

Some events included soccer finals between MJC and VJC, and our own sports event 'The Colosseum'. The former we lost to VJC, but still we are pretty much contented that the team made it all the way to the final. The cheers were more than thunderous, that in no way 'loud' is able to encapsulate. College Anthem was sung loudly and clearly. These altogether completed the spirit of the school as Meridians.

Yesterday there was the Colosseum. The cheers were not as loud (each house supports their own houses). Yet it never ceased to amaze me when sportsmanship comes in. Houses cheered for their own players, and they did not forget to support other houses too. The last runners always got the standing ovation from all houses when they finished their runs in the end. Every cheerleaders group heard claps from all houses as well. And again, the event was closed with the College Anthem being sung together in high spirit. (here I shall provide you with my school anthem)

Back to my little rumination. I am pretty certain that here in MJC I am quite fine and contented. Despite all my regrets in the past, I have seen things that kept me pretty much satisfied with this school. Honestly I would not say that I am now leading a completely happy life, but I am glad I could ensure myself that I live happier life than I thought I would have. I might be only choosing the best out of the two devils, however this is better than choosing the worst out of all devils.

Regrets can be carried along forever, but we cannot dwell in it. I do not stay in the past, but I brintg it away with me forever. A good course of choice in my opinion, since time never turns back.

Mirror

2009-05-18T23:59:00.002+08:00

The mirror of truth stood before me. I can declare to any one in the world I have always been demanding, seeking, searching, combing, doing whatever it takes - to arrive at the truth. Today, this mirror reflected one truth I have always asked for - though not exactly in the way I wished it would have been.

I saw the reflection of true weakness.

It was not so much of failing tests and exams, or being stuck at tutorials and consolidation exercises. It was not so much about how careless I have been all these days, or whether these escalated instead of declined.

It was about how I know.

Mathematics test was done this morning. I did rather badly. I committed mistakes I have never done before. I misread the questions. All these could not be attributed to just carelessness, for I know it could have been anticipated if it was really all about being careless. The very fact that I committed grave mistakes never before was the most solid fact that either I am weakening or I am not revising enough, or the worst, I am unconsciously (or maybe consciously) underestimated the papers.

Chemistry test was pretty much the same. Committed grave careless mistakes amplified by some lack of deep understanding in concepts. definitely a pass, but apparently not a good pass.

I am not too hastily generalising my current situation, but I find them being very solid proofs of my weaknesses and follies which can never be neglected. Why? Simply because they are significant.

I realised further that ever since I am in the JC system, I continued to reveal more and more of my drawbacks. It is a good thing in a way that it reflects your true self. However as we all know, exponential increase in this revelation will not help unless there are means to bridge the gaps.

Was I strong, powerful and then I am weakening -- or that I was in the first place weak, just that I was beclouded by praises and mediocrity, such that only when the fog of illusion waned away, then I realised how pathetic my current self?

If the former was true, I should not stumble upon things now and then... and more importantly, these weaknesses should not be this impactful. If the latter was true, then... I may not have any place to stand straight. I am crumbling down if the latter was the true reflection of my own self.

Either way, things show that I am either weakening or in the first place I am weak. This is undeniable for both stands, neither is it able to be opposed.

It Is Heartening

2009-05-18T01:01:00.003+08:00

Yes, there are some things I think it is worth scribbling down here. Heartening ones.

Chatted with Daphne just few minutes ago. I miss her and friends, ever since the last chinese class we had last year and before we separated into many polytechnics and junior colleges. It was a long chat and sharing, and it soothed me that I was ever thought to be a friend of theirs. I mean, it is heartening to have friends who remember you and know that you have impacted in their lives somehow in a way or another.

My results have been deteriorating these days. Perhaps due to lack in concentration. But I am quite alright, for these days I felt calmer knowing the fact that I like this life of mine in junior college, and the subjects I am currently taking. It is again heartening to know that you do not have full and complete regrets over everything.

Things are going to get tougher. I cannot and will not back up, for regrets cannot be eradicated, guilts cannot be simply exonerated, I need to balance them off with a kind of remuneration. I will go for the things I want, no matter how impossible they look. I will only need to change the impossible to improbable, improbable to possible, possible to obtained.

Just allow me to have a last resolution, the last promise, the last aim I could make and look at. I only need the chance. Just once.

Declensions of Paths

2009-05-11T01:06:00.003+08:00

After all these days of life in JC and home, certainly many things have occurred. Ranging from internal struggle, rationalist thinking, to lecture tests and mathematics competitions. Anything I can think of.

In school. I have lost more touch of diligence I used to have (perhaps). I am no longer as assiduous as before, nor do I read as much as before (worsened by the fact that I have never been reading much even in the past). I have lost the touch on things that I once thought I have more, or even maybe in fact I did not have any on them at all. Things that were special to me, even mathematics and physics, betrayed me now. I am not demoralised by the fact that I am unable to surmount them as easy as I did in the past, however I start to wonder what kind of person I am. Am I correctly described in the past as I am now?

At home. I have concluded to myself that all the 'regrets' that I once despised and shirked, were all due to my own doings. Simply put, my fault. Yet still I could not accept fully this conclusion, therefore the blame upon some others still remained a small proportion. This conclusion that I arrived at seemed not to be able to indoctrinate myself of whose fault it truly is. But I believe this failure in convincing myself of my own fault does not propound otherwise.

Social life, or whatever you may call it. The way I relate to others may not be correct as far as I know myself. I may not be able to understand what my friends are going through. I may not fathom what their feelings are. I may not know how to truly and properly behave in a way that amuses everyone. I do not know how to work together to achieve the best. It set me to consider the possibility of me deteriorating to the extent that I am no longer in the proper foundation.

Internally. My identity, my purpose, my steps. I started to pore over how I have been over the past 6 years, and figured that I have changed much in many aspects. Be it my capability, behaviour, perspective, line of thinking, determination, etc. The only problem I could not solve is that I do not have the slightest idea whether in overall... the changes are right, or better. My purpose. Again I was struck by the idea that I have to go for NS. What was the purpose of coming to Singapore in the first place? Studying in Singapore, taking PR, going for NS--did they eventually serve any purpose? Even if following my parents' line of thought, did they ever consider thoroughly these simple things?

My steps. I have finally managed to set myself a goal, too early perhaps but I suppose it is better before all the puppet strings start to strangle me and gain control of my remaining time left in life. I decided upon, at least for now, to go for physicist or mathematician. Back to some problems above, I seemed to lose touch of skill on these two, but I decided to ignore about that. Here also calls upon question of the purpose of staying in Singapore, for to go for either of the two future paths, Singapore provides neither. Eventually I have to leave.

Thus, things in general seem to suggest that every single thing I do either lacks consistencies, purposes, faith, decision or lacks the essence of truth in it. Undoubtedly this propounded a question to myself: what have I been doing, for what I did them, and exactly why. Three simple 'epistemological' questions that brings my life as a whole into the realms of ethereal doubt.

Whimsical

2009-04-26T00:43:00.003+08:00

Few minutes ago just another 'quarrel' with my sister. Again. Because she could not complete the square, and as I taught her how to do it, she got upset. "I cannot do it myself." or something like that right after I was finished with the explanation.

I sort of rose my voice, and told her that she had to think by herself or else she will get nowhere. And a curt reply of hers was " Never mind I will read the notes myself then.", and went back to her room.

Alright. Maybe I was oversensitive, but it is to me a valid conclusion that she still did not get it and apparently she was angry or something for that.

And I do not have the right to be the one who was supposed to be upset? That she was as if asking for a free answer and simply left after being explained as if I am bad at explaining. It created some sort of indirect blame, to me. That I was the one who is wrong, that I was supposed to help more than that. I would not like to jump the gun. I do not know what you think. I am just considering... whether even at this thing, I am again wrong.

Haha. Even such occurrence becomes today's entry. How sad. Things seem to prefer to come to me at once, eh, trying to eliminate me through some sort of Darwinian natural selection.

Hehs.

Tempo

2009-04-22T23:45:00.002+08:00

I am finding back my own tempo. To retrace my own path, set by myself long ago, once more.

-ericksontjoa

PS: just checked QianHao's blog. Saw a picture of my ex-class, 4e1. How could I forget about it?

One More Try

2009-04-12T20:37:00.002+08:00

Embarking on another attempt to search for the thing that I want. I doubt I will ever reach it, but still this step is to be taken. Here I go again.

-ericksontjoa

Waning Away

2009-04-10T15:36:00.002+08:00

The rigour of my college life nowadays have been prominent. Things are getting tough in terms of level of difficulty and much more new things to be learnt. I have not been able to survive as well as when I was in secondary school. This is needless to say, but yeah, I can find hardly anything to express myself.

I know something. I am definitely veering away. Waning away.

What is next, is for me to try my best, though I do not fully fathom what I define for myself as 'the best'.

The Gap

2009-03-23T18:31:00.003+08:00

As days go by, the more I am convinced-- and today it is in a way corroborated, that there is an intrinsic, specifically distinct difference between two people with both L1R5=11;

One is a C6+5A1, another is a 5A2+1A1.

Today there was a briefing on NRP 2009 (Nanyang Research Programme), a programme that allows one to engage in rigorous research activities for a year-long span in fields of science or arts, with the topic is at our own discretion. This is a good platform to improve your research skills as well as to broaden and deepen your scope in the topic you prefer. Requirement: L1R5 less than 12, Maths A1/A2, Science A1/A2, and... English A1/A2.

If you notice, I believe that most of the time academic programmes require A1/A2 for particular subjects. Or possibly a lower L1R5, like DSTA (Defence Science and Technological Agency) Research programme which only demand simply a L1R5 less than 9. And in this case, once again I lost the chance because of my English. I never hated English, just that I hate the result I got for it.

In this case, two 11-pointer would have different chances to get into something. Of course I do not forget to be grateful about the twin precious chances that I got this year: getting into MJC and grabbed KI as my subject that I supposedly could not have own with that C6 in English. Yet, I have to remind myself that chances are not reflections of my own self-- I could not depend on chances and luck forever.

Today, the briefing was an eye-opener. For now I realised more about the gap that my ineptitude in English has created, and possibly will be left unbridged. This gap in opportunity, the gap in proficiency, will always be there. No matter how forward-looking, how optimistic, how able I am in forgetting the past, things will not change.

So what's left now are my siblings. Should they insist that they could not get L1R5 less than 10 or a rather ambitious L1R5 of 6, I would not mind. I would only hope that... should they think that 11 or 12 is the farthest they can go, do get 6A2 instead of 5A1 +1C6. It may seem impressive that you get 5A1, but a C6 will pull you down as if your sparkling 5A1 is useless. Some things may be easier for you even if you get a 11 or 12 but with 6A2 instead of 5A1+1C6.

That's all I can say. I may be wrong in all this, but so far I have not been refuted of my opinion as such. My apology for being rather crude or rude or whatever it is that reflects my impertinence. Any constructive response is welcome. Thank you.

Yours truly,
ericksontjoa

Undefined Strength

2009-03-21T01:47:00.003+08:00

In general I have been doing these few things this year at rather constant rate. Studying (JC life), slacking (with computer), 'helping' a little in my friends' work, reflecting, and daily activities such as sleeping and eating.

A useless opening.

My purpose of typing this entry was nothing but one sudden idea that again struck upon my head and forced me to do nothing but another reflection. I realised few things that may or may not have relation, but I am unbelievably obscure enough to even go towards explaining it to myself through my own contemplation.

I have been helping some of my friends a little in their JC work, particularly physics, chemistry and mathematics. So far they are still within my reach so I met not too much of difficulties in helping them out. At the same time, I have to study for my own since I have my own school work as well, and fortunate enough I have not gotten killed by them as yet.

Yesterday ( since now is past midnight), as I was tutoring as usual, this idea struck me: why am I tutoring? Why am I helping?

Hold no surprise until my elucidation comes in. I felt they are rather pertinent in some ways. Those short questions, I comprehend, probably encapsulate some of my greatest doubts I have ever built.

Things are not as easy anymore. Subjects are much tougher compared to its predecessor (the 'O' levels) and the people are getting better. Currently I am not in much problems, and things have been quite a smooth sail for myself. But I have found myself stumbling few times, which never did it occur with such intensity during my secondary school life. Certainly I do not plan to let the difficulty get over me, but it is rather indisputable that I must be more focused and pick myself up every time I stagger.

Yet, If I am stumbling upon my own problem, why do I still go on helping the rest? Indeed this sounds selfish, for the simplest reason that I myself have to look after myself since I am taking the 'A' level exams as well, thus I cannot afford to lose any time for myself. However, would that stand be always correct for the sake of grades? It is not as if only when you care for yourself so unaltruistically then you are able to clinch that desired grade. I had been helping my friends in mathematics last year and my mathematics do not go down the drain. That is one solid, irrefutable proof.

I am questioning more on my eligibility in helping others. Teachers teaching their students or mentoring them certainly have certain standards for that job; it is nonsensical to ask a 'pure' plumber to teach physics or a 'pure' physicist to teach how to fix your tap. Even though my strength may not be waning, I am no longer able to solve all questions. I am no longer as effective or helpful. I may not even help myself properly with my current calibre.

Those are basically some issues regarding my doubt over whether I am still 'eligible' to help others or not. The only theoretical solution I can think of: get stronger, crawl up to higher calibre, reach higher standards. Then I might be able to help myself and others as effective as I did in the past. The practicality?

I'll see it to myself.

Solemn, Silent Night

2009-03-16T01:28:00.003+08:00

Complete silence befall this very room. Only the sound of the computer keyboard used for typing this entry and the sound of me breathing can be heard. As I write this entry, my very presence seems to be the only life sign around. That is roughly the depiction how quiet it is, now.

Probably just my imagination wandering around, but I do feel a sudden zen-like state; 1.30am here, with such tranquility, this meek night is the balm of every soul. I feel neither happy nor sad, neither depressed nor enthusiastic. Just a very subtle, distinct peace seeped into me, clearing away all emotions.

And something struck me again--what is it that I am going to do from now onwards? The school I am in is no longer the same, be it the physical state or the atmosphere, whatever you may call it. My previous purposes have been defeated by my own incompetencies. My ideals have been buried by my weaknesses. My dreams have faded away, my vision has waned.

Perhaps, I am flickering into an illusion--where everything solid would still gutter, fade away along imagination.

I would like to say, that I may want to start building things up again for myself. Take it as the last wishes, the last hopes, founded upon desperation and weaknesses. It pains me to realise that my previous wishes are all but hollow substances without soul and effort, and now I do not wish to say anymore concrete-- for it may just be another promise that would not be fulfilled again. At least, I want to reconstruct my 'dreams', my 'vision' again. Though they take root on incompetencies and desperation of mine, I shall allow myself... to go on my own, just one more time.

Just one more time, perhaps. Once and for all.

Unfulfilled Promises

2009-03-15T00:49:00.003+08:00

How many of them? And it puts me to shame that I called them promises--for I have no power whatsoever to bring them into the realm of truth.

2005-- A daring dream saying that I would like to try Harvard University when I graduated from JC. This was said to my Indonesian friend when I was still studying there. Haha, people regard big, daring dreams as the first step towards success. While I, though not exactly being cynical, now think that if I dream of things, they will not be done-- for I always do not stay focused towards my target, and do not exactly strive for them, as if I take things for granted. Either my arrogance or my self-extra confidence should have caused it.

26 June 2006-- The first day of school in Singapore. I probably thought that this particular date would mark the beginning of my hard work studying overseas. And I did clinched the first position in terms of academic result about two years later. Yet, was it something that I wanted to obtain on that very date? In fact, I could have felt all these are not worth being proud of--if you know how I felt, and what I meant.

2007-- I set my eyes on Raffles Institution. Not to mention that it is almost technically impossible to get in to RJ, but I did promised on one day that year... that I will do my best to be at their level, get the straight As and prove myself equal to them. Now, now, what gave me that right to say so, while I didn't actually put my best--I was neither resolute, stoic, focused nor strong enough. Pathetic, wishful thinking not followed by actions, that is.

2008-- I emphasized again on my 'goal'-- RJ again. This time perhaps a lot more people knew this and they thought I might be able to make it, though unlikely. i tried harder in my studies this year, and undoubtedly my results improved little by little. But I should have known those are not enough. Even by the end of the examinations, I was not resolute and focused enough. I veered subconsciously, ignorantly from my aims, and eventually missed them. I even created a false hope with my 'excellent' prelim results. And now, all occurrences proved that I am just a liar who can talk without doing anything-- a pathetic self who creates and loses aims all the time, and eventually would not get what he wanted, no matter how conceivable the task is.

Right after the 2008 examination result release, I promised again to crush the 'A' level exams to avenge for my 'O' level exams. And as I take 4 H2 subjects, i expected myself to get another 4 As and 'boasted' my wish to take H3.

Reflect. Think. Ponder. Contemplate. Ruminate. Whatever you may call it. Are you going to continue making all those fake promises and eventually get crushed by your own words?

Erickson Tjoa. Don't expect to go to Harvard with your pathetic English, thanks to your indolence and unwillingness to learn much more and faster, thanks to your laziness in not finding the greater depths of knowledge. Don't think your 'top in 4E' is something you think you can boast about. Do not ever think of going far foolishly, without setting the right tone for yourself, without knowing where you stand-- and without putting your effort. And for now, lastly, don't even think of taking 'A' level exams as if it is not going to be tough for you--your complacency and arrogance, coupled with lack of effort and focus, will lead to your own demise, your own downfall. You will be crushed again by all your promises, just like how your 'O' level results have shown how weak, useless you are-- especially in terms of how consistent you are towards your dreams.

Haha. Despite scolding myself with all that, it seems pretty much clear that I am not to be trusted. How far have I gone, actually? I have asked this so many times, and in comparison with how far I wanted to go, where I stand is nothing-- and I deserve this mess. Now I pragmatically wonder... how far my next step could reach.

Unfulfilled promises... that is why during PCCG class with my class in MJC, when they asked about personal vision, I could only smile pathetically to myself and wrote that I don't have any particular personal vision. For I, while still wish to promise myself towards greater heights, do not want to break another promises.

...Who am I...?

Reflection

2009-03-09T19:10:00.004+08:00

I came towards the monitor, dragging along some things in mind, wondering whether they should be scribbled down here. Self-doubts have been shadowing me quite a while, though not overtaking my body, but it came to the point where I feel the need to stop a while and reflect again.

Let me use flashback method. It may prove easier to backtrack things.

Today, my chemistry teacher told us that our class only had one person who passed the chemistry test. Not me, of course. Yet, come to think of it, this is my first time failing--or at least, the first time i did not manage to do a test well. I will not use my combined chem to make an excuse, but since we learnt from the same notes, there must be either of these three: I am weakening, I am stagnating, or things are getting too tough ( which i don't think so). Enough of my nonsense. Same goes for physics project, where today I did a project template with my group at the level 'below expectation'.

It did came to my mind again... about how far I have actually gone. From a school in Indonesia where I constantly got into the first few of the highest rankings in any subject, to a school in Singapore where I instantly and miraculously got the first in the whole batch. Perhaps during these periods, I have lost the 'gauge' of my own aptitude, passion and strength. Getting to the top positions all these while left me deprived of correct judgement of how far I could go, and this continues until this very minute.

I might have been blurred of the fact that I am weak enough to stumble easily at this juncture. It seems to me that JC gave me a new crystal-clear perception of the journey of studying. I am no longer smoked by the illusion of being the strongest, and the truth displayed another side of the reality that has always been overcast by the darkness. Now I truly learnt where I stand. This will not strip me off my passion for JC life, studying, mathematics, physics, KI, etc-- But it is something I have to accept and tackle as I move on step-by-step. It is not insuperable, but neither is it easy to surmount.

Even group work... I am doubting my won capability. In a place where I am no longer the best of all, would I be of no use, or even degraded into a burden to the team instead? I have never had a really serious, proper and successful group work before, and now that I have this chance, it strikes me as puzzling to know that I may be someone who drags the whole team down. This is probably a cliche in schools, but who knows? I am not actually doubting what I can do, but since I cannot be sure how helpful I am, equally I cannot have confidence rule my head first.

It has been tough days-- where piles of work are pushing me against time while internal reflection suppresses me even further. I would not call myself as being stressed out, yet I know I am now dealing with more than just questions and tests. Perhaps, I even may come to a point at which even exams and tests are nothing compared to my radical self doubt which takes me into rounds of journeys of reflection, of what I have been doing.

Weakness

2009-03-01T01:05:00.005+08:00

These few days I am experiencing the piling of work, and technically speaking somehow I could not finish them up, or at least all at one go. Maybe I am still not accustomed with the intense quantity ( not really on the quality part) of the work assigned to us. Or alternatively perhaps it is me who just could not finish them up even though it is conceivable. Laziness, indolence or inefficiency took charge? I don't know.

Today, while I was doing chemistry, I figured out that there are 2 questions that I could not do-- or at least, I thought that I have followed every procedure and I do not think I misunderstood or missed any points in between. Again this is not something that I am adjusted to, honestly. I was claimed to be almost 'all-knowing' in every subject when I was in secondary school, and chemistry is of course no exception. And now, I never imagined that I would stumble, at least I never thought I would stumble this early.

Which one fits better, then: I am weakening, or the level of difficulty is skyrocketing?

I prefer the former one. The latter does not really make any sense to me. Why? I will give you an analogy. When you were in primary school, have you thought that secondary school stuffs are just insane? Incomprehensible Physics, abstruse mathematics, super-thick textbooks, etc. I would say this phenomenon is natural.

But, when you reached secondary school, did those occur to you again? Instead you would have thought that primary school stuffs are too easy and not worth thinking too much. I may just call this "Age Adaptation"-- it is a kind of phenomenon whereby as long as we are in education system, our minds are adjusted to the level of the education automatically. In other words, if we are primary school kids, we tend to think secondary school stuffs are too difficult, but when we reached secondary school level, we think that primary school stuffs are too easy.

And I should agree that therefore we also see JC stuffs as super-difficult and unfathomable when we are still studying in secondary schools. Now, probably many would unanimously agree to the fact that after a while being in JC system, secondary school stuffs which we went through probably not effortlessly are no longer possible to be labelled as difficult. Our minds eventually adapt to the changes in systems and age in order to suit the purposes of higher order of learning. Though this does not guarantee that we would definitely survive in every system because of natural adaptation of the brain, but this is logical enough to explain that we grow.

And precisely this is one reason why I think I am weakening. I am relatively confident with my adaptive capability to adjust with JC life which may be more hectic and crammed than before. However, at this juncture which I consider as being too early for stumbling over tutorial questions, I found no other explanation but that I am weakening. I am certain it is not too difficult-- for I understand every lecture so far.

Many people would certainly overtake me this way, and in every subject, even mathematics which I thought I am very well-versed in. I do not mind being overtaken, being outstripped, but I do not wish my downfall due to my own folly or weakness. I gladly accept downfall because people are generally "more powerful, stronger, quicker, sharper, etc"... I have to accept that I am not the strongest anymore ( and I am glad I accepted it openheartedly). Now what is left for me to do is just to crawl up from the abyss up to the earth again, from scratch.

The Days I Doubt

2009-02-28T00:05:00.003+08:00

It becomes increasingly difficult to update this blog. One is that i could hardly find time to just simply write this entry, not to mention that I also have to rearrange my thoughts before blogging.

These few days have been the days I doubt things most, I presume. Ever since KI lessons started to heat up a little, my mind has been literally recalibrated from the brain that inputs knowledge in terms of quantity to the mentality that doubts even the slightest slip. I perceive things in slightly different light, and I doubt things which previously I may not do so.

I doubted my own capability. Why am I here? Why again, is that I came to Singapore? Why is that I did not manage to get what I want despite the fact that my wants are not impossible, neither are they improbable. They are attainable, yet why didn't I get them? ( actually there is no point asking this, in addition that some things that I wanted and could not get are not in my possession, e.g. KI) I even doubted why I play badminton in the first place-- I am neither too bad nor good.

And to cut this short, I doubted one thing that perhaps is like Pandora's Box; Why did I take PR? Today, through conversation with CaiDi, XiaoWen, BaiShuang, I realised that apparently I was not aware of the tradeoffs, consequences, benefits, or even reasons why I did so. By taking PR, is all the expenses that I saved worth the exchange of this status? And also is the money saving strategy worth exchanging with NS, i.e. trading money (school fees saved) with time and NS? Are they the correct tradeoff?

On the other hand, how about IF I forgo my PR status, if possible? Would I actually be losing out in terms of anything, e.g. money, fitness, experience in NS, etc? Sigh, this is just like how the Opportunity Cost in economics works. Would forgoing this PR status be a new path that I would not anymore regret, because by having this idea of cancelling PR, I am actually regretting my previous choice of taking PR?

Am I so stupid and imbecilic that I never make the correct choice, never do things that I should be doing, never be what I should and wanted to be? Am I just circumscribed at all times?

Sigh, it is tiring to both doubt and answer my doubts at the same time. Not to mention making decisions.

Today

2009-02-15T23:52:00.003+08:00

Yes, those who know will definitely remember this day-- not anything special, just my 18th birthday. Although today may not be a day of utmost importance, I just want to express my gratitude especially to those who remember. Thank you for everything.

Ah yes. One more thing; I do not think I can further regret my existence in blue uniform. I know my calibre, and therefore back to be a pragmatist, I do not demand something beyond reach.

This term 'beyond reach' may seem ridiculous, but in reality there exists such a fact, an indubitable fact. It is simply inevitable to encounter your own limit, that you have a borderline as to how far you can go. This little argument may not be sound to most dreamers out there and those who strive for their best, dreams, wishes.

However, I am putting my stand in such a way that I state that there is a limit as to how far we can go-- it is just that who actually creates that barrier, that separating lines. If we are the creators, we can break it with hard work, perseverance and any virtue in relation to striving for the best. If we are not the ones who put up this limit, then unfortunately we might not be able to cross this bridge.

Yet in a way, this limit is necessary. It is the only container of power, and the only storage of vices. Possibly a Pandora's box, 'limit' is the natural control that human beings pose in order to 'create stability', though I believe I am not sure what kind of stability I refer to.

Aforementioned points may be just contemplation at a whim of mine, but at least I have something to write. One last point to remind myself-- I am glad to be clad in blue, for now.