The End of Juxtaposition

Though a rushed decision, I decided that this entry is the last entry for this juxtaposition.

For I see that juxtaposition of dreams and pragmatism is probably no longer as germane as it was, for new problems emerge when the old ones dissolve, for new contemplations surface when the old ones sink, for any new modes of thinking override the old ones.

It also has come to my attention that after all these while, perhaps the things that have evolved are paradoxically multitudinous and yet it feels stagnant watching such evolutions. On one hand, while all things may seem to change, I feel as if I am trapped in a rip of space-time and not moving forward. Whatever changes in me, mentally or physically, seem to be not relevant to whatever I require myself to solve. On the other hand, things do change and I can still see that phenomenon affecting my life in one way or another.

Bottom line is: I will end this juxtaposition, and commence another form of it. In laymen terms, it means changing blog. Hopefully it does change the way I think and write, and let me wish that I can think more coherently as compared to the past. Those who are interested in the new one, do contact me.

And that marks the end of my juxtaposition.

Continuum Hypothesis

This title is borrowed from the mathematician Georg Cantor's most famous hypothesis, the Continuum Hypothesis, which speaks about the sizes or cardinals of infinity. And I am borrowing this name for entirely different reason - purely for aesthetic purpose, which will be understood by the end of this entry.

As I have uttered in the previous entry, my classmates, 15 of them, had started their university lives now. It is about one month since their orientation day in early August. I dedicate this entry specifically to convey my thoughts on this matter again, for inexorably I must capitulate that I am still not quite positive about my life at this juncture due to me not being in the same world as them.

Despite the fact that I fathom perfectly the ineluctable nature of the stage of life I am currently in, I must concede at the same time that this comprehension does not at all help to mitigate the proclivity towards bewailing and lamenting my current state. This is so even though the stage of life I am currently shackled to is not actually bad in the absolute sense. Or rather, such lamentation is engendered by the fact that this stage of life is one which could have been avoided and at the same time it is not a stage of life I would choose to go through. Unfortunately, I did not have any say in this matter, so in spite of all my contemplation pertaining this matter, nothing will change for at least the next 2 years.

Yes, my friends are moving on with their lives in terms of education while I remain stagnant in this respect. It feels like I am being isolated away from their space-time and immured into another dimension void of hopes and dreams. No matter how much I am considered irate at the moment, I could at most bawl silently (an oxymoron, yes) in my mind and heart. The world simply will not budge just because a person living in it curses the world in any conceivable way. Yes, basically I am saying that seeing them moving on with their lives in such a way made me feel somewhat sad, or perhaps, kind of crestfallen.

Without pretense, hopefully, I could say that I do like studying. Or at least, I like it infinitely many times more than what I am currently doing every day. This is one major reason why I feel that I am trapped in some sort of cul-de-sac of life, where bewailing is the only thing I can do. Of course seeing them going to university intensifies this feeling, and all the more I feel miserable. I could not help but to at least feel a little bitter about myself, no matter how much the situation has improved.

And the last thing that consummates this entire cycle of pain and regret is that these people are easily the best friends I ever have up to this point, and the very fact that I am watching them walking towards their desired future both lucidly signifies my own stagnation and at the same time prove that I value them much more than I ever thought I did. I miss them easily so much that I always feel bitter because it feels as if I am being left behind by the merciless flow of time.

The continuum hypothesis that I am hoping to make is that the bonds between me and these people are hopefully forming a continuum, i.e. bonds that do not break. My hypothesis is precisely that if our bonds form a continuum, then any form of misery due to separation in spatio-temporal terms can still be overcome. I do hope that our bonds do have such property and that such hypothesis can be corroborated in the affirmative. For if its verity can be demonstrated, I can feel slightly better despite the situation I am in.

In hindsight, what a selfish entry this is. For the first time I feel that I am writing something in which I wish for something purely for myself regardless of others. I know not for certain. However, I can certainly say this: I miss them a lot, I wished I could be with them in the same stage of life, same dimension as they are. However, I do recognize this as empty, futile dreams, and thus I could not help but simply curse myself. However, I will still move forward in this rip of space-time, for they are still the very core of my strength and I believe some day in far future, I will see them again with the same if not stronger bonds.

For I realized one thing. That If I ever have any positiveness in my life and my opinions as well as my point of view, it must be because they are always by my side. However exaggerated this sounds, I do not think I am saying something exaggerated. This feeling is as real as it can be, at least so I believe, and I will continue to believe so. And my apology if this entry, in the end, turns out to be one of the most incomprehensible, impenetrable of all due to its incoherence in many junctures.

Pandemonium of Thoughts

Though this is not something new, I must say that I am a person who incessantly contemplates - practically, profusely or even superfluously about anything, and so endlessly that I could have easily become overloaded with information engendered by my own rumination and scrutiny. So much that thoughts were no longer coherent, no longer germane to contexts I am in, no longer lapidary in its form and shape, no longer rationally justified when verisimilitude is at stake, where assaying feels apocryphal. Being immured in this vicious cycle of information pandemonium and yet being conscious of it makes it worse, for it posits the idea that either I lack the capacity to resolve it or this problem is pretty much intractable, if surmountable at all in principle. Nonetheless any assumption shall be held in abeyance, for again I shall analyze, like how it has always been, for I have never had anything that behaves like a sanctuary - one that provides sense of security privy to those who ponders - besides what I call rationality. And up to this second, I prize it more than anything else, subsuming emotion in the latter set.

I shall commence with the first thought that came to mind, noting the fact that this entry will be expected to be incoherent as mentioned in the prefactory paragraph.

Some time ago, a person told me to keep trying to apply to UK university after I told him I aspired to get into Oxford University's Physics and Philosophy. His reasoning was that it is always worth it to give a shot, and for some reason he is optimistic that I have a chance to actualize it. He mentioned about the interview, that creativity can be learnt, that personal statement is important. And some other things which summed up to one conclusion: just go and try it out.

Not that I do not want to do as he said; in fact, I have prepared much of the UCAS application form, not perfect but nearly complete. However, I have always seen optimism as something that is not logically justified. That is, optimism cannot be grounded at all. I do, however accept the less rigorous version of it, i.e. optimism is justified if there is reasonable amount of evidence for one to do so. Hence this problem is reduced to the problem of how much evidence I have to ground myself for that optimism, and from my analysis, I concluded that I do not have sufficient evidence to feel optimistic.

How so? Firstly, my academic qualification is probably not stellar enough for such top-notch university. Just like the Ivy League universities, their students' performances are pretty much able to eclipse my results quite easily despite me having only one B in my main subjects. It's exacerbated by the fact that I do not have anything useful that is non-academic in nature to support my case, such as leadership qualities. In hindsight, this is a mistake on my part for I was too engrossed with academic aspect and thought I could get away with it alone. The proclivity towards academics alone boomeranged as a result. Plus, I do not have strong enough reference and personal statements to back me up as most teachers do not know me well. Lastly, the lack of financial capacity on my part basically riven all my hopes, cutting asunder all my chances that would have otherwise been theoretically possible at the very least. With such overwhelming evidence against me, how could I hope for optimism, with the tides of despair coming towards me relentlessly? I will still try it out, but my analysis postulates that in pragmatic terms, I would not even dare to have the temerity to claim that I have a chance - even the slightest confidence will not do. This concludes my first thought, and this conclusion assumes that I have construed the person's meaning accurately if not unerringly.

Next, about the commencement of university. My classmates, at least, 15 of them out of 20 have begun their university life starting last Monday, in various places including Indonesia. 2 in Electrical Engineering, 5 in Mathematics, 2 in Business, 1 in Computer Science, 1 in Nursing, 1 in Literature, 1 in Engineering, 1 in Medicine, 1 in Social Work. 1 will be starting Law next year, 1 will be starting Physics two years later. While it has become some sort of inveterate habit minus off the negative connotation, I wished them all the best while concurrently felt that I could have gone with them if not for my circumstances which some people would understand without me mentioning here. Inasmuch as I try to work very hard in whatever I do now, I could not help but often think that I am still squandering 2 years of my life. I could not impugn the proposition that I could learn some things by ensuring that I make the full use of my time at the moment, yet the thought of these things being highly likely irrelevant to what I wish to attain is the major motivation to think that time is simply wasted. Indeed, the main issue here is that regardless of what I think pertaining this matter, I could never extricate myself from this situation; I am inexorably shackled into this circumstance whereby I could only evoke lamentation, whereby bewailing and bemoaning my past mistakes is all I can do at the moment.

If one thinks about it, lamentation or any manifestation of negativity is indeed irrational for it is never more productive than being positive in attitude. After all, negativity cripples more often and not, and it signifies the prelude to despair. Yet, no matter how level-headed one is, negativity is bound to sustain itself even in infinitesimal amount. Vestiges of regrets, anger, hatred, or simply negativity will always retain itself within the crevasses of one's heart no matter how far they dwindle. Furthermore, my analysis suggests that negativity is guaranteed to exist and bound to each individual. Though the argument is quite a cheap trick, I believe it is pretty much apodictic. Given that negativity is a diametric concept, i.e. that its existence entails the existence of positiveness and vice versa, the very meaning of positiveness such as optimism cannot be fathomed without having the concept of pessimism in mind - something that laymen call "two sides of the same coin". This is circular if and only if we use one to prove the other, for each is only justified when the other is. This circularity disappears when we take both to be one and the same thing - that both have to simultaneously exist, and must be understood concurrently. Though not ostensible to some, this is similar to the fact that the concept of difference can only be understood when concept of boundary is understood and vice versa. So it is actually logically justified to possess negativity. However, it is, almost certainly, not practically justified due to its nature of crippling people's productivity in their work and performance, which is psychological in nature. So the point is I do not see why I should lie to myself and say I am contented with my current life when I do not feel so, although I would still continue walking forward and do whatever I can to do what I must.

There is one issue that piqued my interest - namely about what is loosely called relationship in the sense of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Hereafter I shall denote such relationship BGR. My current fellow mates sometimes discuss about this matter, whether it is about their own experiences or simply for the sake of discussing it. And I expected them to ask why I did not participate in BGR, which they did inquire at some juncture. I do not find myself in a quandary when such issue was brought up, for I vividly know what my answer is. I shall state it explicitly for the sake of those who are interested though this is highly unlikely. My answer is that "I have no right to partake in such activity or relation, at least not yet", and this I have upheld for at least 6 to 8 years. Most people would find me lugubrious with such an answer, perhaps?

It is not my intention nor my discretion to make those who wish to know addled by my responses in any matter. After all, any form of writing is never meant to stonewall comprehension; at most, even for poets, they merely try to place their contents behind shrouds of mystery, clandestine as they are perceived superficially. This also means that they were supposed to be comprehended even if the propensity to misapprehend it far outweighs the possibility of understanding it correctly. Therefore, it is imperative for me to demonstrate my thought processes in such a way that its meaning can be made out though multitudinous interpretation is bound to occur.

When I claimed that I have no "right", I implied that I am not good enough in whatever respect one could think of in order to ensure that BGR is a successful event - the phrase successful event do sound disinterested or even clinical and misplaced, but I do this to maintain objectivity if there exists at all. The word "whatever" is used because of the subjectivity of the people involved. Suppose two girls A and B - given the nature of humanity, there are common grounds that A and B will have when they try to participate in BGR, e.g. they do not want me, in this example, to be abusive to them. This is pretty much a sensible demand. However, there can be no consensus about other properties or characteristics of mine that they will demand universally, for both A and B. A may require me to be good looking, B may require me to be rich, and extending this to the set of all possible girls/ladies, a set L containing all ladies cannot demand a universal property that applies to all gents especially positive traits. In other words, it is easier to pin down what all ladies do NOT want than to pin down what ALL ladies want to have, i.e. a universal positive characteristic. Subjectivity prevents such universal positive trait to be derived but permits universal negative trait to be specified. Hence, firstly I have established that I will not be completely able to decide why I have no right, though I can always speculate or surmise some properties inherent in me which the ladies in G will not wish to see, which in turn affects the success of the BGR itself. Lastly, the word "yet" implies that I assume the possibility that there exists at least a lady/girl who despite some negative traits will still partake in the BGR, and such possibility is guaranteed for one cannot posit the physical existence of a perfect being, and thus no one can have zero negative trait especially when the concept of positive and negative is one that is not absolute or indubitable - a stance that even moral philosophy cannot establish rigorously yet.

I must concede that my scrutiny is nowhere close to stalwart. Still, hopefully the analysis itself sufficiently limn my thought processes in pellucid enough way for no one to be flummoxed though my convoluted style of writing and my language proficiency could in principle hamper even the most basic interpretation of it. After all, I could not help but think that in some way this entry is tainted in verbiage, verbose in nature and yet I find myself unable to convey better in other way.

Recently I kept thinking and behaving in such a way as if I have a set of rules and principles hardwired in my mind which I cannot and shall not defy. For example, I have been moving on based on simply two objects - responsibility and integrity. I do things that I must, and I do not say no when it is a yes. These may not seem unnatural, or rather, these seem to be basic values that everyone knows. However, I am inclined to opine that the society do not behave exactly as these basic rules dictate, which is basically an empirical evidence of Kant's Categorical Imperative not working in practice. Most people will reason out that such absolute, sacrosanct obedience to moral rules or principles is way too strict to make practical sense; a weaker version of moral absolutes or a "less absolute moral absolutes", evidently an oxymoron as it sounds, is always at work. It professes to be able to resolve more satisfactorily moral dilemmas, and this advantage is precisely the pretext of a less strict moral rules, and now such rules have been so embedded in people's lives that strictly speaking no one would be able to completely live their lives without at least once committing infraction to one's own rules and principles.

The verity of my analysis in this matter is also not logically certain - for like all philosophers as far as I know, I could not find a logic behind moral rules and mechanism that is at work in society, and in turn no satisfactory moral theory can explain why society behaves in this manner. In my case, I see responsibility and integrity as two main drive in my behaviour and yet I do see people not conforming to these basic laws of societal behaviour. I can certainly conceive of one thing which may be the cause - namely self-interest, such as more rest and relaxation. Basically it is pretty much similar to the concept of hedonistic decadence - that moral rules are eroded by self interest especially material in nature. I will not be so bold as to claim that the morality of people around me has plummeted into oblivion, for it would have been equivalent to see only one side of a coin. However, it is certain that the very same force that drives the Invisible Hand of the market conceptualized by Adam Smith is one which erodes, at arbitrary pace, the morality that people are supposed to uphold in accordance to Categorical Imperative, one of the rational justification of morality.

The only thing I can do pertaining this matter is to list out the problem, which is the previous paragraph, for I believe that self-interest in unquenchable and thus the extent to which it overrides moral values and principles depends on how far a person can suppress his self-interest. If this is the case, will I be able to maintain my own rules and principles despite all odds to go otherwise? After all, to be selfish is still human, if you ask me. For now, I will only regret all mistakes I made, since for most of them there are corresponding infringement of my principles. I am inclined to believe that I am unable to live up to my own principles all the time, but if by doing so I can attain what I wish, I will strive for it even if it means my life will seem mechanical.

Up to this point, I have already been able to see that even the last analysis of self-interest seems anfractuous in style, despite my effort to ensure that my reasoning is as algorithmic as it can be. I must capitulate that perhaps I did not put as much effort as I claimed, thus this vague writing.

While I still have manifold thoughts and ideas that could in principle be written, even if some are merely platitudes of my mind, I shall at least end for now with the last analysis for the day, namely the examination of "juxtaposition of dreams and pragmatism". One would realize without delay that it is the same as the name of this blog, and it is logical to assume that this analysis is meant to scrutinize the very meaning and reason behind this blog's digital existence. I must say that this assumption is justified and indeed that is what I intend to do. this is especially so since the juxtaposition between dreams and pragmatism is on the outset a recondite notion - on one hand it represents a parallel comparison between two objects which more often than not clash bitterly than agglomerate sweetly, while on the other hand it signifies my very own dialectical way of dealing or even reconciling with the pragmatic side of the world and the idealistic facet of my rational thoughts. Indeed, now that I think about it, I have not reassessed since antiquity this notion and given that I have undergone many changes in both way of thinking, or even principles and circumstances, it would not be surprising to find my original ideas in need of revision. The redacted reason will be the end product of this last analysis.

Why should one even juxtapose dreams and pragmatism? For one simple reason - people dream and yet people live in real world, and by "dream" I mean aspiration, conceiving something yet attained for one to try to obtain. And this is especially germane for those who lives for their dreams. After all, some phantasms in one's dreams can be practically achieved or obtained, and this is common sense. No matter how much I am under illusion that I was a millionaire, it is still a practically tenable illusion, while of course some others are not practically possible e.g. squaring a circle. However, tenability or practical possibility is not adequate for most people, for what is important is to actualize all possible dreams. Humanity wants to achieve what they dream of, and if they have infinite amount of dreams, they will have to sacrifice some while actualize others from the entire set containing all dreams. And given the obvious handicap of a sentient being which is that of limited lifetime, one is bound to give up some dreams, or rather, to selectively realize some dreams.

I am of an idealistic disposition, though I do pay close attention to any force that are at work in real life which is short of ideal or perfect. Giving up some dreams does not imply aberration from idealistic behaviour. However, what is at stake is how people reconcile dreams and real life, which is often the very motivation for living and subsistence. It takes aptitude to achieve something of highest calibre. It takes tenacity, perseverance and commitment to achieve something difficult and time-consuming. It takes creativity to achieve something original. It takes what one calls talent to achieve something with less effort than the norm could dictate. It takes knowledge to achieve something new. It takes intrepidity to achieve something pristine and untouched. It takes astringency or in-depth analysis to achieve something rigorous. Whether one concurs with these depictions, I know not. The gist, at the very least, is there.

What is the significance of the above depiction? It simply means it takes A to achieve something of characteristic B, and this is sufficiently universal a guideline. When one dreams, one is attempting to grasp or even create an object O of property B. When one actualizes it, one is said to possess A. When one fails to achieve his dream/aspiration, it must mean that he is not in possession of A provided he knows O with property B. When a person lives whimsically without aim, it suggests that he does not know O, and subsequently he cannot have B as the challenge he must face. Consequently such a person will be likely to lead mediocre life for the lack of knowledge on B means he does not know what the nature of the things he tries to achieve is, thus do not know how to deal with it when things get tough. And lastly, a person C is called "Complacent" if he knows O, but he thinks he is in possession of A, misconstrued B or both.

The Complacent person, C, is of the highest significance because the other two types are easier to rectify. A whimsical person simply has to consider carefully and prudently his goals and dreams, and if he has what it takes, he will be able to fulfill what I shall denote as the AOB equation, that it takes A to achieve O of characteristic B. A person who failed to achieve his dreams simply has to reassess whether he actually has A, or whether O is too far-fetched, or both at the point of time he failed to achieve it and correct the relevant problems by adjusting A or O. However, for C, this is tough. He knows O, the objective he tries to attain. However, he thinks he has A when he does not, and obliviously proceeds to pursue O only to have failure face him in the end. Or alternatively, he misconstrued B as within his calibre or grasp, and subsequently proceeds to pursue O, also to have failure to meet him because his aptitude and characters would then be irrelevant to O, which actually has characteristic B' instead of B. It takes A' to achieve B' and C only has A to achieve it. The mismatch causes his demise.

For example, C wants to obtain perfect score in his examination. According to his results in the past, people regarded him as some genius because of his stellar performance, or better still, a performance cannot be bettered by anyone. The school practice papers are claimed to be harder than the actual examination to allow students to accustomize themselves with the standard of the papers.

Let B be the standard of examination paper, B' be standard of school papers. In this case, B < B'.

Also, O in this case is the examination itself. As such, A would be the proficiency level of the student C.

The AOB equation is:

It takes proficiency level A to achieve(or more aptly, conquer) examination of standard B, because student C manages to conquer examination of standard B'.

However, how about if B is not lesser than B', e.g. actually B > B'? Then there is no guarantee that C can conquer the examination, or in fact, he could have failed instead. Or alternatively, what if he thinks he is good enough with his subjects, e.g. English, that he thinks he will be able to achieve good results, and conquered school papers quite well in this subject as well, but in actuality he is not? This will mean that his proficiency level is actually A', where A' < A. And similarly, A' will not be enough to conquer an examination of standard B. Either way,he will be complacent in the literal sense and as a result, failure is to be expected and no one but C himself is to be blamed.

Yes, some will realize that the very person C that I am talking about is myself. And it happened as I depicted above, almost exactly. The significance of the depiction to my own self is that regrets and mistakes cannot be overridden, they can only be forgotten. Their effects will snowball in whatever they do when you cannot deal with it promptly. And I am here writing this entry with the scars of the past still deeply engraved in my mind, never to be extricated.

So much for the last analysis, I think it is necessary for me to include an equivalent of a peroration to this entry. No matter how much I think, there are things that will not change. I could feel bitter for it, and it will stay as stagnant as one could imagine. I feel more and more powerless in the face of the forces that act on me, be it circumstances or other people. I will, nonetheless be honest to myself. I will be doleful when I am not happy, and not delude myself in optimism and lies. I will be sang-froid even if things get uncontrollably challenging, if that is the only way to obtain what I want. I will not be hesitant to evince a strong feeling of hatred if the need comes. I will be inscrutable if severing bonds is what I require. I will masquerade if that will get the job done and help me attain my wish. My integrity will be upheld, but above all, my wish must be granted. That is my responsibility.

Dreams and pragmatism negate yet intermingle. However, for the sake of my minute, insignificant wish, if need be, I will decimate this logic with my own hands. I will obtain what I want, no matter what.

Realization

The past few days were spent playing Pokemon White. This may seem quite weird and worthless, but somehow I do not feel so. Maybe my conviction towards my studies is not strong enough to make me study at home instead. Maybe. More importantly, there are some things I realized concurrently that of equal importance if not more.

One - the typical issue of 'friendship' or to put it more generally, relationship. What has come to my realization is that this particular object called relationship, if it is an object at all, is something I do possess like all humanity, but its nature is one which can be summarized into one word:

Ephemeral/Fragile/Frail

I do not know the exact chains of reasoning that led to such a conclusion, nor the definite premises which warrant such conclusion. However I seem to have a justification pertaining the conclusion though not the premises nor the reasoning. This justification manifests itself in that I lose friends almost as immediate as I leave them. By 'losing', I mean it subsumes loss of 'contact', conversations, or even greetings. Surely this is not their fault. This, I believe, partly come from the fact that I, by nature, relies on people coming to me in order for a relation to be forged; i.e. a passive person in nature. And what makes me slightly different is that even as I realize this consciously and lucidly, I have made no attempt to reverse this course. And this is likely to continue.

Two - I came to comprehend the fact that I may not be as devoted to physics, mathematics and philosophy as I declared to myself. Between choices to play, to slacken when I am not tired, against the choices to read up on the three fields, the former often, if not most of the time, prevailed. And it persists up till this very second. What this signifies remain shrouded in mystery as far as I can ruminate. But it may mark a turning point in which I may really need to rethink about whatever I have ever thought about in my mind. And this, partly, is the reason why I think I needed the Re-examination of Oneself.

And unfortunately, like all conclusions I ever had, I have no answer to all these - and this includes the possibility that there exists no answer at all and also the possibility that this is unknowable.

Two Months

It has been two months, or rather close to ten weeks since I last enlisted into BMTC at Pulau Tekong. This Monday, in fact, I am going to Pasir Laba Camp for SCS - INF LDR vocation. Therefore, I shall write this entry concerning the two months I had gone through there and the contemplations following it. After all, as I mentioned in the previous entry, this entire two-year period serves as a time for me to stop walking and reflect upon many things, a time for reflection, rethinking, reinvention and hopefully recognition of answers to many things I have always sought after.

To begin, the training was in general manageable for me. This may differ between companies and schools, and in my view my company is one I classify as 'average' in terms of how tough and strenuous the entire course was. I have heard rumours about some companies being relatively more lax as well as some others being much tougher in terms of their physical challenges the recruits faced. I must say that given my physical capability which is less fit than most others (my IPPT was just a pass, for instance), most trainings are considered tough to me although I can cope with them. There are times when I felt like falling out, but I decided not to all the time. After all, so long as I still cannot accept my 'forced' existence into army fully, I will not entertain falling out for myself and I will only accept 90-100% effort for myself as well.

The commanders are varied in terms of language and punishment severity, discipline and other expectations. However, in my opinion they are very nice - or rather, they are nicer than I thought it would be before 8 Feb. My PC (Platoon Commander) is a very nice person with technically zero vulgarity in his language and is very caring to his platoon. My platoon sergeant and section commanders use more vulgarities, but assessing them holistically only conclude that they are still very nice. At one point I even doubted whether this is how army should be, but in the end I decided that the army has its own methods that a recruit like me may not yet understand at this juncture. As such, I will suspend my doubt first and move on with my next vocation before commenting further on army life.

I must say that there are things I learnt, either from my own constant contemplation in camp or from my commanders. Some are packaged in aphorisms - "people do not care how much you know till they know how much you care", "a group is only as strong as its weakest limb", "it takes 60 people to make things right, it takes 1 person to screw it up", "given something, if you cannot defend it, it is not yours". Certainly I learnt the basic military skills expected from BMT, higher discipline level than during civilian life and also how to work with others better, if at all.

As for my own reflection, I did rethink of some things while I was in camp. At least for now, I converse well with my siblings, contrary to my original desire to distance myself from them. I seemed to accept better my own incompetence in contrast to my siblings' strengths, though my original hatred from the past does not diminish. As for parents, no progress - if anything, it got worse due to various reasons and new problems which arose during these two months. I still could not embrace the fact that I am in NS by some stupid reason, even though I came to grasp the idea that I will certainly learn things from this two-year exposure.

In the end, the first two months yield no satisfactory answer to my questions and thoughts, and if anything, it's quite funny that I end up with more problems than before I went in. Either way, I will continue to seek answers to my thoughts, I will continue to hate if necessary, I will try to change if circumstances allow, I will make new friends if they accept me. My effort in SCS from Monday onwards is independent of all my problems, thus I have no reason to not work hard in my new vocation. Meanwhile, I will continue with my contemplation and reflection as days go by, hoping that answers may reveal itself, if any.

Before I Go

Yes, it was my intention since antiquity to write this entry before I embark on a short new journey in the army for approximately 2 years long, of which the commencement of this journey is this Tuesday, 8 Feb 2011. In this respect, the length of this entry may be longer than usual, which I do not find it surprising. After all, despite the flow of time, I do not stop thinking, be it things in the past, future; things that have been resolved and not, trivial issues and important ones; and I believe so long as I continue to think, I would be able to scrawl it down if it is not in order, and I would be able to write it down if it is neatly thought over. Either way, these form the basis of this entry.

I do not know about others, however to me this two-year period would serve as another good time to reflect and stop walking. It is indubitable that I would be stagnant in some respects such as academic capacity and things to think about, but ways of thinking and conclusions of my reflections are expected to change, in whatever direction I will not rule out any. For I believe that whatever issues I have endured or pondered over, whatever conclusions I have reached are not absolute but contingent; I would not be surprised to find myself reaching different conclusions, however distinct they will be from those I believed in the past. In light of this, probably the hardship of any form in the army is too low a price to pay in exchange for such enlightenment. For the past years have been rather heavy in terms of mental load I had to bear, as I have not been able to extricate myself from the burdens of regrets and mistakes that I have created for myself. And for this I bear slight hope of finding an answer to some of these issues I have always had in mind.

I have been here for 4.5 years, since 24 June 2006 and 26 June 2006 being the first day of school here. At that juncture, I did not think about anything regarding this matter (of studying in Singapore and all other issues surrounding it). During the 6 months in secondary 2, it was completely playful period - with my first access to online games and MSN, coupled with easy schoolwork because I learnt them back then in Indonesia. Now when I looked back, I do regret being too playful but perhaps those are just some random fragments of insignificant happiness. The next two years in secondary 3 and 4 were more meaningful, in the sense that I studied when needed, definitely more assiduously than secondary 2.

I have always perceived that the actual problem started during this time - where I had always said that this period were the true downfall on my part. This was the time when I studied harder but at the same time remained playful most of the time. I vividly recall how I could regurgitate several chapters of geography and social studies exactly, how I got 99% for AMaths overall grade, how I got above 90% for all sciences. At the same time, I also lucidly remember how I spent 8 hours a day playing online games during weekends, which otherwise could have been used to read books to improve my language proficiency, be it English or Chinese. The worst part is that the statement:

"I will read many books to improve my language"

was said by myself before I even reached secondary 3, i.e. it was just all talk, no action. Well, I paid dearly for it. As you can see, the C6 English damage on my certificate was pretty troublesome and irksome. It made me unable to even enter MJC even though I aspired to go to somewhere with lower cutoff points. It almost robbed me off my chance to take KI. It prevented me from taking part in Nanyang Research Programme (NRP). And last but not least, it is the cause of my hatred towards myself which I could never forgive - especially when the students clapped for me when I was announced the top student, one who almost failed a subject and yet called as one. I would rather, at that time, give up that position and let someone else take it, for such results, when announced, simply sounded like an insult and sarcasm no matter how I heard it.

The memory of the result release on 12 January 2009 is one I will never forget; a scene of humiliation caused by my own hands. I don't mind not being the first, the strongest if I can avoid this kind of encounter. I would rather not have that title, for it has never been my aim to be on top anyway.

My school was not particularly impressive in both its academics and environment - or rather, I won't be able to praise any aspect of it in the strictest sense. But one thing for sure, despite the rather low academic standards and all other shortcomings, I do not in the least hate the school. It was a place where I could understand why people have difficulties in their studies and try to help them. It was a place where I first controlled my conceit, my arrogance - it was a place where I no longer see myself as the strongest and strive to equalize with others. It is a valuable place where I first learnt how to be humble - or maybe, humbler than before if I am not there yet.

Life continued towards JC, though the five days in TPJC made me recall the hatred I had for myself. After all, it was my 4th choice and it has no KI. Fortunately I managed to appeal into MJC and the things I lost due to the results are lessened. From then at least, my life has taken a better turn for the next 2 years.

In my JC years, I swore to do well in my studies as payback to what I lost back then in 'O' Levels. Yet for the second time it was just all talk - I did not do it again. Maybe partly because I enjoyed life there too much; these two years have been really fun in some respect. I would not be lying to say that I have more or less changed in terms of demeanour, behaviour, attitude, openness. I felt good being together with my class and accepted as part of them. I am grateful for being relied upon and trusted. And it seems that these partly clouded my dark vision of trying to avenge for my results. Well, I would rather attribute it to lack of determination on my part. In the end, yes, I failed in this respect and finished my JC life this way.

Note that I did not say I hated myself for not excelling. I just wanted to accomplish what I wished - in that case, it was about language proficiency. Indeed, if I suppose that I did badly for other subjects but I did well for my English, I might feel disappointed perhaps. However, it probably will not develop into such powerful regrets and hatred as I am having now. English is a hurdle that any foreign students must overcome first here, and yet that was what I actually left out. I even did not rule out the possibility that my arrogance was the one that caused this - that made me false feel confident for my language capacity and thus was mistaken about where my standard lied. I have paid dearly for it, and yet I did not change in this respect. In Indonesia, I was rather comfortable at staying the 3rd in level or 4th, without aspiring to beat anyone in grades. And in MJC, I did not strive to beat anyone either, simply because that was not my aim at all. Ranks, grades to me are simply consequences of my work; they are indirect proof of my hard work, if any. They are my modes of measurement, not an end of my effort.

That is why despite everything else, I cannot bring myself to forgive. It is because up to this very moment I still did not accomplish what I wished back then. I may have changed the way I socialize for the better (hopefully), but I did not change in this respect. I did not aim high either, I simply wish for better proficiency in language and complain nothing else, so it will not be fair to say that I only make unattainable dreams. The hatred of failing to grasp and reach pragmatic dreams - this is exactly the nature of my hatred, in short.

(Here onwards is about family)

Similarly, in terms of family relationship, there are things I cannot let go even if it means shouldering everything myself. I will not accept "for your own good/for your sake" as ultimate excuses to make whatever choices you wish. My parents might be thinking for my sake, but to submit everything to some superstition to decide your children's lives is nothing but nonsense. They may claim that they know nothing and thus asking for advices, but as adults, don't they have any other way to confirm? Some medium told you to send us here, and you just sent us as she said, and tried to justify yourselves by saying that "other people said here is good and your prospects are guaranteed"? I won't have it. I do not need the best education in the world if that means it was chosen ignorantly. Humans are weak compared to gods, but is it that sinful or pathetic to trust other humans to think through things? I would be perfectly alright if I am not in some mediocre school but at least your rational considerations arrived at that. Now I even start to question whether my very existence in this country has any justifiable cause at all.

You once asked why I was so daring and defiant as to not telling you where and what I was studying (MJC), such that you felt pathetic when you only knew your child's school half a year after he got enrolled in. The answer is simple: rather than going to the best school with half-assed reasoning and absurd way of thinking, I would rather choose a place myself without you interfering. Why not, if in the end my choice was a mistake, I have myself to blame and I will gladly shoulder all consequences. At the very least, I feel accountable for my own life and will not blame anyone else who are not at fault, nor will I choose as if throwing a die and expecting the hand of god to choose for me. The gods may be omnipotent and omniscient, but I admit being imperfect being and I do not crave to be perfect. I do not need divine interference as if begging to be carried when I have my own legs to walk still.

You once said I am arrogant, conceited; that I am so because I feel I can do everything myself and need no parent anymore to decide things; that I will fail in life by acting as such in society. Fair enough, I might just fail in life that way. Indeed, I would not rule out the possibility of me failing terribly as a person in my life either. But I do not want to be called arrogant and conceited by parents who themselves are arrogant enough to think that they can cope financially with that godly advice to send us here, to end up now having financial difficulties and we have no choice but to take PR and subsequently citizenship. You may not tell us you have financial difficulties nor the reason for forcing us to take PR and citizenships, but I believe I saw it through. Singapore may be the best place in the world, but does that imply that given the opportunity, you have no choice but to take it?

Look, out of anger you did say that you will not care about me wherever I go and I could leave you two alone as if I am not your son, but you added the following:"you cannot reject the offer for citizenship no matter what, I want to stay here and if you wish to leave, leave after that". Like hell is that supposed to mean? Was this your intention all along? I do not wish to speculate, but never ever let me trace the conclusion that you sent us here for this very purpose - otherwise for real I am not going to forgive any of you. Let me remind my beloved parents right here: I am NOT a filial son who will do as you wish irrationally. I will be unfilial even if the entire world curses me, unless it compromises something else equally important which I know not.

There are still many words you said that I will always remember. Things such as sending me to the secondary school because you were afraid I am stressed and cannot deal with the sense of losing to someone else. Bullshit. For one, you sent us to that school without even knowing beforehand we would end up there due to some agent you hired to find a school for us. That alone would negate all your reasoning. Even if I give you the benefit of doubt, it is still nonsense; unless I am like this in your eyes: I am a child who does not accept losing, who just wants to be the first, who hates losing, who cannot accept someone is smarter or more capable than myself. Am I really like this in your eyes? When I drew this conclusion by certain reasoning, I found this highly disappointing; it highlights the kind of distrust and useless overprotection that a parent can give. And I don't think it requires high education to just get these right.

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Enough with the ranting (though I hope the way I put it was not). A conclusion I could simply draw to compress all above is that my mistakes and regrets remain, and will never be overwritten. I may end up feeling like this forever, but I will gladly do so if it offers me slim chance of doing better. I told someone this: mistakes you did will never disappear, neither can the pain. What you can do is simply trying to forget about them and move on. However, somehow I do not like the idea. I feel that it is some sort of running away even if it is for the better change; I would rather embrace it and move on along. The only problem now is that I have no means of moving forward while embracing it. And in this sense, this means of moving forward is something I would attempt to find in the next two years in the army.

Yes, at least, during this time, I need not see the parents who seem to think that they have done nothing wrong. Indeed, I did not and in fact cannot blame them for anything for I have no ground nor evidence to do so, just that I felt they cannot be possibly completely innocent. Well, I could simply make everything my fault - it won't make any difference anyway, just more pain on my part which I am already gotten used to. After all, it has been two years since I last talked to my family properly (in family-like manner). Now I am perfectly accustomed with a house which does not give feeling of being at home or family, for this family feels too fake for me to call it one.

Quite some time ago, I did also mention about the aspects in which a small hatred was born towards my siblings due to some reasons: namely, my sister's attitude towards learning and my brother's lack of self awareness when it comes to his academic capacity. Now for the past one month we have been on really good terms, but do not be mistaken: nothing has changed. I simply made the attempt of making you two feel comfortable before going into NS, for I intend to not go back to kind to any of you since to me this family is just too fake in some sense. To my sister, I may be wrong in terms of my loud voices and direct way of speaking, but trust me, you will do badly for your examination this year if you maintain that kind of attitude in your learning.

And to my brother, I have nothing to say to you since you outshone me in all respects without exception, and all things that I was supposed to tell you were already written in previous entries. At least, it is possible that my hatred for you two is purely my fault, though it may also be not. But for the two parents, I just could not think it possible that they are not at fault at all.

Yes, before I go, these are basically all I need to say. After all, part of the contents were all in previous entries, and some are just written in different perspectives or merely reiterations or re-emphasis. Once again, this two-year long in the army hopefully allows me to rethink some of my perspectives and principles. I hope I was all wrong at everything and thus can live normally without worry. But if not, then perhaps I just have to accept that my existence here is grounded by nothing other than thin air, and I simply failed as a person as I failed to live according to my pragmatic dreams and even failed to live in a simple family properly.

It is highly likely that I will continue to fail to fulfill my wishes just like the past, but no matter. At the moment I wish for technically nothing at all, and in this way I hope some things may change along the way. Otherwise, maybe this life of mine is really too pathetic. What is the use of being the strongest academically in school, but fail at being anything else - including being a proper son.

Fragments of Happiness

There are few things that I have taken note as days like these pass.

Firstly, I realized that for almost two weeks, my communication levels with my siblings have increased rather significantly, though not for my parents. For my sister, as usual she started on asking me questions about her school work again. Sometimes she would offer me things e.g. ice creams or cookies that were kept at home. Sometimes she would offer jokes that I would never know their origins. For my brother, the computer game (namely DotA) managed to keep us communicating as we were able to play it together through local area network, where we strive together to win the game. And even recently, things like H3, olympiads and other school stuffs became our topics of conversation as well.

One of my closest friends told me once: she said that time will heal everything that we cannot manually heal. It seems that the course of events that I am experiencing starts to become like what she said - the events are 'recovering' to a state where things were less chaotic, namely when things weren't as cold in atmosphere as now. It seems that the immediate 'future' starts to revert back into the cozy, 'desirable' state where family is defined to consist of members that are close to each other. Perhaps this is really happening.

Yet, somewhere in my mind/heart/soul, it bothered me; the fact that things are tending towards this supposedly 'desirable state' made me feel less comfortable. It may be partly because I am used to the feeling of being alone or cold to others, but there is something else. It felt more as if somewhere I wish this reversal of trend does not occur; that these events do not revert to this 'desirable' states of affairs.

I am quite positive that this is not what I want, at least not now. I have come to terms of being distant with people, and family is no exception. All previous entries have suggested the reasons - hatred, regrets towards myself that I decided to be immutable and shall be burdened upon myself to all eternity. This may be the most illogical course of believing/state of mind, but at least feeling the guilt and hatred has so far kept me humane. In a way, I could remain sane and well probably because these things keep me aware of myself and my surroundings.

Recently I also was stuck with this idea - about giving up these things and start anew as if nothing happened, or even attain this by having amnesia or some sort (if tenable). Then life is probably a lot simpler and easier, since people always think that thinking positively, living happily is better than the converse; that is, "why would you dwell in unhappiness when you can be as happy as you wish?"

However, if forgiveness is like this: that forgiveness is infinitely easy to accomplish, then why hatred and guilt exist? If deterrence is a necessary object in question, how can we consistently apply forgiveness to an act that begs deterrence and forgiveness - i.e. how do we know we should forgive or be deterred via punishment, hatred or sense of guilt?

In other words, how easy is forgiving others as well as yourself? How easy is it to release yourself from the burdens of your regrets? How could we know that while forgiving, starting anew, we are not instead taking our lives lightly and simply start over like a game - where when you 'die' or make mistakes, you simply have to restart the game and start all over again - as if it is nobody's business, as if nothing has ever happened?

As long as these are not answered by my own, I think that I have no right to enjoy peaceful, happy life as I had experienced in the past (perhaps). And for that, I will not let myself unconsciously enjoy the fragments of happiness or joy that appear before my very eyes, like what is happening to me now at home for example. If necessary, I will crush that illusion again - I will stop myself from enjoying it with my own hands. I am not saying that I am cursing myself to be unhappy for the rest of my life, but I am positive that I do not want to be happy unless I can find all the answers I have been trying to find for myself, if they exist at all.

In the end, I could not stop myself from admitting that I am 'happy', in the sense that I do not have the ultimate or general happiness, but I do enjoy bits of happiness here and there, mostly from school. Yet, this entry has a conclusion in which I will prevent myself from enjoying these if it is necessary.

Existence

Yesterday's prom night was good, I suppose, and I shall not describe here since everyone knows how it went anyway. But rather, I was inclined to contemplate the post-prom which took place at Zirca where some of the students went for clubbing as post-prom activity.

As for my class, 6 ladies and 2 guys went.

Analysis

It happened that ladies need not pay on Wednesday and they have priority to enter so the guys have to queue and pay $20 to simply enter. Well, in exchange I suppose it is alright since I get the first hand experience of how clubbing looks like, how people there dance, sing, drink to their hearts' content. Apparently some of my classmates were also first timers so they were quite excited. At the very least, they could dance, sing and chat there as if they were not the first time being in this kind of place. Some even could enjoy to the extent that you may think they are regularly visiting night clubs.

On the contrary, I merely sat and watched from the second floor how the entire night club works, how people danced and sang, how people got themselves drunk, how people are led by the crazily loud melodies coming from the stage, the kind of melodies which will make your heart resonate and the intensity which will make your entire body and soul controlled. As far as I could observe, this is definitely an ephemeral, temporal heaven for souls craving for short-term joy, souls running away from immediate problems, or souls that simply want to revel in the entertainment of the modern era - since it is by definition an entertainment just like games or sports in our current society.

Neither did I talk to my friends nor did I do anything that one could consider as 'enjoying the event'. To me the entire night was terrible for few reasons, but one main reason was that I was not feeling well before even reaching there, thus making the entire clubbing session simply a session in which I am enduring the pain (on the stomach) and dizziness. Yet, I decided to go for unqualified reason - namely, to accompany the girls to ensure their safety, which is a rubbish reason to begin with. Reaching home at nearly 4 am, I could not help myself but to reflect about the entire prom night and the post-prom, and this entry is a written testimony of that very contemplation.

Critique

As I mentioned before, the post prom was terrible for me because of the pain and a little dizziness. But my entire contemplation does not lie on this particular issue. To begin with, I am not sure why I ended up going for post prom. Originally we intended to go back right after the prom night by sharing taxis. However, the girls ended up deciding to enjoy the last bit of prom night and since the other guy said he's alright with the arrangement, I followed.

This may not be a mistaken, unjustified decision if I have a valid/sound reason to go there to begin with. However, after much consideration from last night till today, it seemed that I went there because I was worried about the girls. It seemed that my worry was not dispelled by the general consensus that Singapore is a relatively safe country, thus night clubbing should not be worrisome in any way. Let us assume that this reason is valid - though upon careful breakdown, it may turn out that it is in fact not so.

So yes, I went there and entered the place, and observed for the entire night. So, eventually what I did was standing on one side, sitting on a chair, watching people dancing and enjoying downstairs where the stage was located since I was at second floor. Believe it or not, for the entire session there, these were technically all I did.

And also, as my worry was not dispelled, every once in a while I kept asking my friends where they went if they were missing, and I ended up following three girls whenever they went to so-called 'take care of them' (yeah, how rubbish can this act be), while another guy is with the remaining. Just by this act alone, I felt so stupid.

The reasons are simple. First, it is annoying for the girls - after all, no one will feel alright if they are followed everywhere, and neither did I feel alright following them around and restrict their enjoyment while they are there. They should have been left free to enjoy themselves. Secondly, they are all more experienced with this kind of activity and place - looking after them is superfluous or even contradictory. Thirdly, I did not enjoy the event, simply because I could not bear with the noise level and all the bombarding melodies, and I was not feeling well even before I came to the night club, so basically in short my existence there could only in principle act as mood destroyer.

One last thing, while the four of us (the group I am with) was walking and looking around, and also when we tried to find our friends in the midst of the crowd, out of responsibility, it seemed that I held her hands so that we won't lost one another while moving as a group. It happened twice. Well, before the day ended, I managed to apologize to her in the end for doing so.

But now that I think about it, I felt so stupid and angry at myself. It is because it seemed as if that was not the true reason. My fear was that subconsciously I wanted to hold her hands and by doing this I am doing a job of protecting. By doing this I may be subconsciously hoping for something. As I stumbled upon this subconscious possibility, I really feel like cursing myself.

Why, after all, did I become so over-protective? Nothing will happen even if I am not by her side - and so for the rest, it is alright if I leave them alone. Logically speaking, holding hands is not a necessary condition to prevent oneself from getting lost in the crowd. Furthermore, why did I even go to that place to begin with? To look after them? Rubbish. To begin with, they do not need such thing, and given that I am a first timer, it is a contradictory act for a first timer to look after those who are more experienced. Is it simply because I am a guy? Rubbish - it's not as if IF there was something happening, I could do something to solve it.

Why cannot I just indulge myself in the dancing and singing and enjoy myself, at least for once in my lifetime if I do not like the place? Yes, I was not feeling well, so I decided not to, and besides I do not like the place where I cannot bear with the noise level. But if that is the case, why did I follow her and the other girls? Since I just concluded that the 'protection' is superfluous and I could not enjoy being there, following them around simply restricts their own enjoyment and I am essentially a hindrance.

Conclusion

There are a lot more things I would like to say and scold myself about the event, though the sketch is sufficiently described above. Basically, now I still despise myself for my act and way of thinking regarding the post prom, and whatever that happened while we were there. I simply hope that everyone enjoyed the event even if I did not, and I regret for being such a hindrance who could be better off not coming over and nothing will happen anyway. I underestimated Singapore's safety and as a result I became mood destroyer of the night. And for her, I could not express my apology any better than the message sent this morning, and I am still feeling guilty no matter what kind of forgiveness she bestows upon myself.

Overall, I feel like a trash who is just a hindrance to everyone's period of joy during and after the prom night. This is of course the worst case - it may turn out to be not so severe. But I could not help but to think that the fact that I did not enjoy the events yesterday says something about my existence in those events. And from here onwards, I should learn to care less about others, for most of the time, such care is not needed or contradictory. And this reasoning I take it to be valid simply on the ground that I have despised myself for many other similar reasons since long ago, since every so often my existence is just like this - a hindrance, as far as I can see it. And this is definitely not an opinion but more like a fact, for it persisted wherever I am.

Price

I am getting more and more confounded by my behaviour and rationalizing. Especially when it comes to the rationale of my hatred and negative thoughts. I will write this in non-chronological form, so it will appear scattered.

As I received more news indirectly that my brother was performing so well in the promotional examinations, I have mixed feelings over this. Compared to last year, my results were mediocre in the face of his. And I cannot have any say in this because I know I did not work hard - at that time I did not practice papers at all, and he did. Meaning, it makes sense that his result is as such. This, as I have always mentioned, is one proof of my uselessness as an older brother (though there is no written obligation for me to be a role model). And personally to myself, it is one of the biggest source of my hatred because it marked the fact that I failed to fulfill my vow - that I am going to change everything after my demise in the 'O' Levels. The fact that I did not do what I should led to the backfire that I currently experience.

I still clearly remember how I walked out of the school hall of Changkat, almost burst with anger and regrets of not taking English seriously enough. After all, I spent the first half a year in Singapore studying scantly because the topics were taught in my country, and thus ended up playing computer games everyday, or even 8-10 hours in weekends when there is no examination coming up. The next two years in sec 3 and 4 were slightly better since some subjects were new, but in principle nothing changed. Weekends I still played 8 hours, and studying at about 5 hours per day when examinations were coming up. English was again neglected - which could have been otherwise if I even bothered to read story books or some sort. The 'stellar' results, as my ex-schoolmates would have called it, are the source of those complacency.

This was especially evident when relation is drawn to the 'O' Levels. My physics in school were considered the strongest, and I was complacent enough to ignore it a bit. I got my A1 but with leaving many blanks in the exam paper; I know, this must be insulting if viewed from the perspective of those who have been working very hard, much harder than myself but did not manage to get A1. Believe it or not, I hated that result - or rather, I hate this capacity of being able to overtake others without doing the proportional amount of work. Same goes for my combined chemistry and biology. Even English is also like this - I managed to get B or even A during preliminary examinations, without beefing up my English and the fact that I am not local student. People started to think that my language is superior than the rest, and I ended up helping them a bit - only to end up almost failing the paper in 'O' Levels, while the rest got at least their B. No matter how much I hated this kind of ending that befell upon me, I knew very well that it was my own mistake - for I did not do what I should.

The burst of anger and regrets led me to wish that I was not the top student in academics, for I gave false hope to those people in the school who thought that I may be able to create history by giving them the first 6-pointer. Not only that I failed in my attempt, but also that it reflected the severity of my mistake. I ended up vowing that I am going to crush GP or KI in the 'A' Levels by going through major changes so that the tragedy will not occur again. After all, I do not want to be overestimated and eventually die again in the most crucial time.

This vow is, after all, rubbish. For after 1.5 years in JC, I realized that nothing has changed. TO conquer GP or KI, I need to correct my language capacity. Reading is the best way. And yet, I remained the same stubborn person. Not only that I did not do the required reading (or rather, I actually did not do anything about my English), I still continued playing a lot - still about 5-6 hours a day in weekends, and I even dared to not practice papers after failing some lecture tests in school, even physics, the subject I supposedly understand the best. And now, here I am, few days before 'A' Levels, only to be faced with the pathetic fact that nothing has changed, all practice papers still not done, and yet writing this entry with the same situation as 2 years back - nothing has changed at all, or if there is, it must be to the worse.

How could I not hate myself for being so weak, not resolute at all, that I made such an easy vow and ended up fulfilling none of them? How could I not hate the fact that such deeds of mine is simply a disgrace to those who worked their way up? I could not help but to hate my own capacity, intelligence, or the so-called my 'talent'. I wish I did not have it, if that is what made me survive all these without the proportionate amount of hard work. Yet, inasmuch as it being paradoxical, I cannot imagine what will happen if these things are not within me - I would probably have been cursing to Gods that how unfair it is to bless some people with superb capability. And now, here, seemingly the blessed one, is paradoxically cursing for having such capacity which probably is dreamt by many. And just by writing this paragraph could have offended some people, for they may think that either I am such an ungrateful kid, or that I am just trying to say that I am more intelligent. Either way, I can safely say that no one will ever come to understand me, for whatever I say will only offend them. Yes, how can they understand how I feel without getting offended?

The very fact that my brother did not tell me his results implies that he did not understand at all what I wrote about him long ago. At that time, I was saying that he has no right to claim that he is not good enough if he is performing well, and thus I concluded that he does not understand true weakness. And apparently he really did not understand the true meaning of what I said back then. He thinks that by not telling me he will not cause me all these negative feelings; wrong from the start. I merely said that one should never claim that he's not good enough at all if he is in fact standing under spotlight. It is an insult as I put it back then, which makes sense, is it not? It is as if you are standing at the top of everyone else and saying that 'I am still not good'. What, then, does the hard work by those who did not manage to climb as high count as? I no longer expect him to understand, and it explains why I do not bother about him anymore. After all, after all these, to me he is no more a critical mirror of my pathetic self. Seeing him reflects to me the hatred and anger that have been mounting and hidden in my self, and my uselessness. Of course, some people would think that now I am also standing under spotlight in some sense and thus I equally have no right to say all these, but no matter - maybe they are right. But if they are wrong, it must mean that they do not comprehend how I feel, which I do not expect them to.

As for my sister, I can only hope that she will do well. She is evidently weaker, but definitely have sufficient ability to go very far if she works hard enough and if she cultivates the correct attitude to learning. Inasmuch as I say that I despise her attitude towards learning so much, I still know the fact that the attitude is all she needs to change for her to climb far. And for that, I have nothing much to say to her. After all, I will not bother about her as well. She will not need such useless brother, full of hatred and can do nothing but to despise and despise even his own family, and the much needed change comes from herself and not from me.

As for my parents, I even have less things to say. To me, no matter how much I owe them, I still cannot forgive them for relying everything on hearsay or even some religious advices to the extent of sending the children to some country to study simply because some gods tell them so. I will clarify one thing (if only they can read this): it is also due to this incident that I choose not to believe in Supreme beings, or religious teachings which they believed. Even if these things do exist, I will rather choose not to believe in them if that means they are going to be used as justification for all their decisions. Secondly, 'we did it for your sake' will not appease me. Whatever decision you make, I will not accept such excuse, especially if those decisions are not properly grounded with good reasons. Even if back then I was too little to be rational enough to decide my future, it does not mean you can then ignore my opinion or just decide everything on your own and ignore everything else. And the fact that some gods actually took part in your decision making is one that I will never condone and thus forgive.

They probably did not realize why I did not tell them which JC I went to, what subjects I am taking until when JC1 year was ending. Meaning, they only knew where I am studying nearly 7 months after I was admitted to the school. Simple reason: I do not want their clouded judgment to anyhow destroy my path. I would rather get destroyed by the path I personally chose, at the same time being aware of why I am facing the risk of destroying my life for the path I choose. Simply put, I do not mind ruining my life if I am aware of why it happens and how I choose the path that leads to my demise. Still, I know it is futile; in the end there is only this much I can do it myself. As examples, whether I am taking up permanent residence or even citizenship here is technically their choice. Few weeks back, after all, the mother has claimed that I have no choice but to take citizenship no matter what happens, i.e. I have no right to reject if I am offered one. Well, it is not as if I never guessed this will happen. Let it be. At least, to show some extent of filial piety, I suppose giving up my freedom in this issue is good enough. Whether they appreciate this or not is another matter. Well, it is easy to think that they will take this for granted, and blaming them is simply waste of time and energy.

Maybe the two years in NS is a good period for me to further reflect about my family and myself. On one hand it is a period in which I can avoid contact with the family members which I have hated for so long - wrongly, in other people's eyes, perhaps. Well, the way how I live my life seems to be very wrong in other people's perception, so I shall give them the benefit of doubt. Yes, maybe that will be a time where my life will be tough due to all the military training, but yet peaceful because I will not need to see them. And I believe they will also agree that a family member like myself will be better to disappear from their eyes. Even if they do not agree, I could care less.

Overall, my hatred will never diminish, much less disappear. As I said, I will carry this for the rest of my life as a burden to always remember. A price I have to pay after all these that have been happening. I am pretty much aware of the fact that to most people, my way of thinking is not only negative but also seemingly warped. Maybe you are right. But I do know one thing - I can write infinitely wrong about my hatred, and I think this entry together with all my previous entries are not enough yet to express how I feel. Nonetheless, no one will understand this anyway, and I do not expect anyone to be able to. Even as I know that there are probably people out there who are less fortunate than myself, be it due to poverty or whatever it is, I still think that a person's problem is not comparable in principle - that is, I am still justified to claim about these problems if they exist, and not merely dismiss them simply because there are even less fortunate people out there around the world.

Well, even if things will no longer change, which after all these, I no longer have the right to claim that changes will occur, it does not matter anymore. I simply have to move on with greater burden in my heart. It matters not if happiness is a luxury to my life. For, after all, even if I contemplate about this infinitely many times, time will not wait for men. The very reason, after all, is that time is irreversible and that's all there is to it.

The Paradox

It seems that I underestimated my own hatred, even though I have rather complete understanding of it. How paradoxical.

What I realized, at the very least, was that now I find myself being alright - or even comfortable - without what I may call Family Interference. Simply put, now I can live at home as if no one is at home. I could ignore siblings and my mother as if they were non-existent, and only did not do so occasionally just to ensure the decibel level at home is kept at bay. In other words, it seems that the hatred has managed to fortify myself from external influence such that even something called a family means nothing.

Yet, at this point, I am quite grateful that this happens. With the sister whose learning attitude I despise a lot even though other aspects of her are probably the best in the world, my hatred towards her can even grow steadily. With the mother whose description has been done many times in my many entries in the past, I do not see any reason as yet to change my position from hostility to the normal family relations. With the brother who previously was pretentious enough to think he will die even though he is on top on the world, I have nothing to say even if he has managed to hide this aspect of him from me perfectly well.

Even writing this entry is tough, both linguistically and mentally.

Hatred is a very dangerous thing - it consumes the user who makes use of it to gain power and strength, and it hurts the people around if they are close to the user. Plus, in my previous entry, I said that hatred entails selfishness - and thus the pain incurred on the people around the user will be automatically ignored by the user. Up to this much, I know and am aware of. And I still see no reason to revert to the old self.

It seems I was right - maybe this is the best if it remains for the rest of my life. There are just things which one cannot change, and even if it can be changed, if the one who is supposed to effect the change is too useless to be able to do so, then the supposedly plausible changes for the better would also become an impossibility. After all, I only realized all these when I actually committed them - akin to a murderer who only realizes murder is wrong after he kills someone.

No matter. I could care less for everything else.

Last

It is just two months before the actual examinations take place. And here I am, as unprepared as I was when I first entered this JC - at least figuratively. My intention today is to write the last blog entry which will result in hiatus up to when the examinations have ended at end of November.

I would rather call this entry sort of congregation of my recent thoughts, which might well be the same as what I have always been writing. But I would take this opportunity to actually pen down these things and even if I continue to think about it to the rest of eternity, writing down seems to be the best cure against memory loss of any sort.

My journey in junior college is for certain enjoyable. For one, I feel that the friends I made here are closer to my heart than those I had made before, though it does not imply the previous friends are not my friends. If indeed these JC friends and classmates are friends, then I can be sure that they are closer to my heart. Despite the inability to help them in any way nor am I able to care for them in whatever ways possible, I know my intention is there - proving to myself that indeed they are those that I care the most now. Maybe more than family.

Yes, family. Up to today no problem has been resolved at all. I remained solemn at home and continued the rather tense, hostile atmosphere whenever I am around my family members. As I continue to ponder over it, it seems that I could not bring myself to revert to the old self where hatred is not so intense and directional. Now my hatred is sharp enough to be directed towards certain people, in this case, family members, and defined enough to allow myself to analyse that hatred itself and came to all these conclusions. I foresee that time will not solve this problem, and I think it is time to also admit another option to this issue: to let go of the chance to recover and live with this regret and hatred for the rest of my life. At least, I don't need to blame anyone else, and if one says I am selfish, it is natural. Hatred is by nature selfish, though selfish is not hatred - and hence if my hatred creates ripple effect in the form of negativity to others, I could care less.

There is no doubt that I dug my own grave. Back in secondary 2, if I made the effort to improve my English instead of playing around with computer games etc, by the time I reached secondary 3 things would have been thousand times easier. I am not a scholar, but I think that first half year I came to Singapore should be sufficient to beef up the basics, and the remaining two years in secondary school can be used to improve it to more advanced level. These are very possible - if and only if they were done. I did not do it, and thought that by secondary 4, an effort to salvage my English by vocabulary memorization would work. Theoretically it should, and in the end no matter whatever the reason is, it is a fact that C6 is the grade I obtained and it is, in my opinion especially now, very objective and reflective of my state back then.

The time when I realized clearly the lack of determination to do the things I wished to do was after this period. I swore on the day of 'O' Level release that I will crush the 'A' Levels, especially GP. But I ended up playing around again, at least as severe as in the past. My results fluctuated greatly, from the prized A to the despised U in most subjects. Obtaining KI in place of GP seemed to inadvertently make me arrogant and forget that it was supposed to be the subject equivalent to the one I wish to crush. I ended up treating KI in light manner, thus now, though my teacher said I am doing well, now I feel the strain of the lack of revision and preparation. To think that the topics on ethics and social science and art feel like new whenever I read them is the best testimony of such pathetic state.

I must have become so arrogant that I took mathematics lightly, and finally the backfire came in H3 Mathematics examination where I could not answer many questions even though I have done all tutorials. The lack of attention must be because I thought I would be able to do it since I was able to enroll for it, which is a very naive attitude even though I think I do not have such thoughts consciously. Nonetheless, it did not change the fact that I have sufficiently neglected that subject, and thus obtained a deserving punishment. This regret is very well defined that if the backfire really materializes, I would have nothing to say since the causal relationship is too clear.

The same for physics. I have not been revising for physics up to now, resulting in severe strain in the lack of knowledge and preparation when it comes to time trials and exercises. Maybe this is due to my inherent mindset caused by the Physics Olympiad training. Subconsciously I probably think that I was the only one accepted into NUS training, thus I must be thinking physics in H2 is nothing but laughingstock. Ha, what a joke. Now that I realized all these folly, things may have become too late to be salvaged. Taking physics in university? Maybe I should deal with my capacity to deal with my inherent arrogance first before I decide on my future, and to put it short, maybe this applies to all subjects I take.

My mother once said, in view of my hostile attitude, that I am just being arrogant, that I am useless if I could study well but my attitude is like this. I never responded to such claim simply because I feel it is so ironic. My previous premises seemed to show that I have not studied well, and my attitude seemed to spring up from the rest of the problems, hatred and regrets of my own. At the very least, this serves to prove the severe lack of understanding and willingness to fathom on her part, and I do not ask for these as well. Since I have decided that I will settle everything myself, I will not blame others, nor will I require others to understand me.

Last Friday, I went for the NUS tea session for the so-called top students among the junior colleges. Definitely discussions with provosts, admission staffs and the deans and professors were extremely informative. I practically gained all the things I needed to know from there, especially about something I did not know called the USP (University Scholars' Programme). The session left me with dilemma. On one hand, it seemed to push me to go for scholarship and exciting futures awaiting with all the offers in university that would be very good to obtain. On the other hand, it made me shudder in fear - whether even such an opportunity would end up having the same fate as my previous 'O' Levels, or maybe even my 'A' Levels may suffer the same destiny. At my current state, I wished I need not think about future, for now I fear not of the lack of opportunity available, but I fear the most about the fact I will waste away all these chances with my own folly again. And given my lack of determination which I could not correct up to now, the chance of this happening again is high.

At some point I wanted to eliminate all sorts of happiness I could obtain from school and proceed with life in strictly dispassionate manner, hoping that this may lend me focus and strength to avenge for my 'death' in the examinations two years back. However, I have no guarantee of it working, thus I cannot take that risk. Yet, if I enjoy too much, the same danger may still loom. Problems with studies and determination resulting in mistakes and regrets, creating ripple effect on emotion and attitude towards others and life - these are very deadly combination of problems.

And therefore, today I decided to stop all this folly and try to move on with my previous resolutions. This is my last entry till November, and also the last time I slack off computer for crazily long time. I am pretty much aware from my past that as I say this, the next day I may just break this promise or resolution, but still I would like to say it, hoping with however little chance, that it will materialize. My regrets and hatred will not disappear, but I wish they would not add. After all, I am tired. Very tired of all this nonsense in my life especially if these are created by my own hands.

Reiteration

My hatred will not disappear, for my ineptitude stays. This does not in any way imply the converse is true - that if the ineptitude disappears, therefore so will my hatred. Under careful scrutiny, it must be understood that what pulled the hatred into the existence is not solely the ineptitude part, nor is it a simple self-accusation to oneself.

I craved for power. A power that could bring me far enough to see the world I want to see, a strength that allows me to enjoy the privilege of learning beyond what I have done before. This craving is not at all for any sort of glory - in simplest term, I sought power in order to learn as much as I could, especially after all the things I missed.

Then came the time where I proved that it cannot be done. Inasmuch as I try to deny, it is unfortunately indisputable that whatever I did in secondary school was far from enough. Once I told two classes in my secondary school, "if you study hard enough and really seriously, a decent grade is yours even if you are not entitled the highest grades called A1." And yes, as I said that sentence, it struck me indeed as being so ironic. I believe, after all, C6 is never a grade called decent, and if I were to abide my own principle, then it follows that I have not been taking English language seriously enough to obtain what I called decent grades.

Today I saw my friends preparing for SAT examination for English. They bought the GRE vocabulary book and attempted to memorize them, and I could see how good they are in doing that. After few minutes of watching them in amusement reciting the meanings of those otherworldly words probably unknown by most people, the 'O' Level scenes replayed itself. It's all about how I memorized all those words back then, hoping that it would be the best way to grapple with the only subject that pulled me down. And apparently it does not work for obvious reason. I feel like asking them not to repeat my mistake, but who knows, maybe they will not face the same problem as me, which means, all those in the past are but due to incompetence on my part.

At the very least, I am comforted by the fact that my siblings no longer do so, and they continue to improve themselves in their language capacity through reading widely, especially the brother who has read really a lot as far as I could observe. His writing style and sharpness has improved to the extent that I could not recognize, simply because my language proficiency is no longer at his level. This is not a praise, nor is this a commendation of any sort conferred by older brother to the younger - this is a mere statement of fact, a positive proposition about our language capacity. Given that in the past two years he has been reading constantly while I technically do not read, it makes sense that this happens.

I did say that my hatred also stems from the fact I could not fulfill the role of good brother, but I did stress the fact that it is due to my own folly and not theirs or his. If I were to simply things out, this makes a lot of sense - after all, I am the one stagnating, but they are improving. It is therefore logically derivable that if I could not attain this role model calibre, it has to be because of myself. After all, it makes no sense to ask others to deprove in order to create relative improvement of myself.

Inasmuch as I said all these, there is no turning back. All the things that have gone wasted, all the things that were left undone, unfinished, will remain so until the end of time. Even if I start reading now, I cannot catch up with them nor can I undo my past mistakes simply because of the constraint of space time. For instance, in order to learn as much as I want, I desired for Raffles Institution, and now that I have failed because of my English, even if my English can be improved to a godlike calibre now, there is no way I could reenter that school. If I do not do well for this 'A' Level due to the same reason, even if I were to repeat everything after my ineptitude disappears, time does not wait.

These are some of the core issues that I have been dealing thus far, if any of you could not fathom what I have been writing all these years in this blog about all my regrets and mistakes. It is a very simple combination of mistakes and regrets together with the limitation of space-time that always left me contemplate aimlessly. As for now, I am not strong enough to even make determination to change myself - after all, I could not even keep my promise to study hard in JC even if that means I were to lose my happiness. Apparently I enjoyed too much when I am in JC together with my classmates, that it diluted all my desires and negative energy.

Sometimes I do wish that there will come a time when I can forgo everything dearest to me for the sake of strength alone, for at this juncture happiness is no longer important. At my current state, I don't even quite see my family - family seemed to lose pretty much of its meaning, and that partly become the reason why I do not wish to go home early. I left house at 6.20am, reach home at 9.30pm, and during the time at home, I do not speak with the family members. From my perspective, it is understandable - for I no longer see 'family' with the same eyes as I did. After all these happening and after being engulfed in vortex of hatred created by my own stupidity, this phenomenon is not surprising to me. And this will probably continue indefinitely.

Lastly, maybe I will fail in my endeavours. Maybe after all these things occurred and the fact that I could not reverse all the wasted time and I could not erase my ineptness, I can be quite certain that I will never get what I want. Even so, it is not important. I need to stay alive, continue living this pathetic life where the pathetic state is evidently due to my own folly, so as to see more regrets and mistakes worth contemplating. I am an inveterate failure in life, relationship, aspirations, but I think in the end living for the sake of regretting is not that bad after all. I have been doing these all these while anyway, and it will make no difference.

Even if I will remain unhappy forever, I do not mind at all. If someone tells me one day that my current state creates a ripple effect where other people are affected by my hatred and unhappiness even though they are not supposed to be the victims, I could only offer my apology. After all, regretting and pondering mistakes are all selfish acts especially if they are doe by someone incorrigible.